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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go and shoto my EX DP?

36 replies

mamazon · 06/10/2007 23:28

of course i am, i know i am. but right now i just want to cry.

basicly some of you will know about my history with him and will know that i am going through court to try and prevent access to teh children.
primarily because everytime they see him DS gets aggressive and violant because he remembers what he has seen before, but also because he has found me once before, tracked my parents and my brother down despite them both moving home.
and i fear (actually i know) thatgiven time he will gain enough information about our lives from teh kids taht he would find me again...this time i seriously doubt i will live to tell teh tale.

i have had the independant social workers report through and she ius recomending that he has unsupervised ocntact for an hour and half a fortnight.

she has stated that if i can prove the fact that he has been out every week getting pissed and fighting then she will recommend supervised contact.

i am just so tired of having to fight him. he is a complete waste of space and his only interest in teh children is so that he can get to me.

this whole case has been gouing on since i was moved for the second time, more than 2 years ago!
I am so tired of no one listening to me or anyone that knows my children.

i just want to forget about him and get on withour lives. each and every time i have to go to court i have to sit within feet of him.
they have no idea how hard that is. how hard it is not to be sick right there and tehn in the court room.

i just want it all to be over and instead i have another 2 day hearing in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
ArmadilloDaMan · 06/10/2007 23:32

oh sweetheart, it must be exhausting.

controlfreaky2 · 06/10/2007 23:36

that is crap mamazon.
dont know your story but....
has there been a "fact finding" hearing to determine whether he has done what you say in the view of the court? if there are contested allegations of domestic violence these need to be determined if they are significant before an informed decision can be made about whether direct contact is in the children's best interests....
do you have a solicitor? what does he / she say??

Original poster
mamazon · 06/10/2007 23:42

yeap we have had a fact finding and teh judge found in my favour. the facts were that he had beaten me daily, raped me, held knives against my throat, verbally abused me in public, physically abused me in front of his family. he had also hit and forced himself on me in front of my children.

it was also shown that following his contact sessions with teh children my sons behaviour (he has SEN) deteriorated dramatically.

and yet still it seems he will be allowed to have access to them.

I am just so fed up with it all. i have to go all the way to london for teh court hearings - i 140 mile round trip for me, 5 inutes down the road for him.
I have to pay about £20 in petrol and a further 10-15 in parking fee's.
i need to arrange childcare as i need to leave so early in order to make it to court.

he is working and yet he doesn't pay a penny for the children. teh only thing they get from him is a magazine once every 3 months.
im just so sick of the way he is able to twist the system.

OP posts:
mrsmarvel · 07/10/2007 00:09

I can't believe he's getting so much - how does he manage it? Is he very clever/rich/manipulative? I don't get it. It seems a clear nono to me that he should have any contact with you or the dcs.

xXxamyxXx · 07/10/2007 00:15

youn poor thing!how on earth is he allowed any contact considering what the p##ck has done did you report all the things you mentioned to the police

mrsmarvel · 07/10/2007 00:27

Mamazon I'm going to bed so can't follow up now, but if you ever need a place to park your car in London - I'm on the piccadilly line and will gladly give you a space.

hugsandallthat

controlfreaky2 · 07/10/2007 21:10

that is appalling mamazon.
what does your legal rep say?????
are the children separately represented in the proceedings? sounds as though they may need to be.....ie what you want / he wants may be clear but their best interests may not be the same as weither of yours and someone should be putting their position forward separately.... your solicitor will know what this means.....
what is the rationale of the isw's reccommendation against the background of the judgment in the fact finding???
finally, dont forget the judge may not agree with the isw in any event..... is it the same judge who heard the fact finding?? again it should be.
am speechless for you and and

Original poster
mamazon · 08/10/2007 00:30

i have a brillaint barrister and we are fighting it all the way.
we do have the same judge that heard teh fact finding so i am hoping she will listen to reason as clealryteh ISW is nutty.

i have raised objections about her before anyway, like the fact she was accepting lifts from my ex following a supervised contact session and passing on information about me athe children to him when she had no right.

legally i am in really good hands but i am just so tired of it all. i have been fighting this man for almost a decade now and i just want to give up.

OP posts:
mrsmarvel · 08/10/2007 00:34

When is the hearing?

controlfreaky2 · 08/10/2007 12:40

phew. am relieved to hear all that mamazon.
fingers crossed for a sensible outcome.
let us know what is happening.
feel free to rant and vent won't you?

Original poster
mamazon · 08/10/2007 19:27

25th and 26th of October.

just had a letter from my solicitor telling me that he has failed to get teh CCTV from teh pub my ex was in trying to provoke a fight with my brother and his friends.

so it looks like thats yet another thing he has gotten away with.

i have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he is getting contact, i think i know deep down that it will be unsupervised.

how do you allow something to happen when you now that it is so wrong.
i just feel sick every time i think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
mamazon · 16/10/2007 21:43

I really do not want to go to court next week.

i am dreading it. i know that the expert witnesses will be there and i just cannot face hearing them stand up and say that in teh space of a one hour visit they have decided he is fit to care for my children.

i honestly think i will burst into tears there and then just listenign to him speak.

it really does hurt each time i have to hear his voice, its horrible.

i am honestly of teh opinion that seeing as tehy all seem to have made their minds up i may not even bother going. i may just enjoy teh two days of half term with my children.
it will probably be the last time we will be able to enjoy ourselves before he is able to poisen my son into a woman hating rapist.

god i feel sick

OP posts:
SaintJude · 16/10/2007 21:47

oh mamazon. I dont know what to say

I hope the judge sees sense.

Original poster
mamazon · 16/10/2007 23:44

so do i but i just know that he is going to get unsupervised access.

its going to be an hour and a half a fortnight and then in 3 months we will be back in court with h im asking for more time.

i just cannot even face being in the court to hear them condemn my children to a life of violance and abuse.

what do you think would happen if i dont go? i have already got to teh point where i am ignoring my soliciters calls as i justc annot face hearing about it as it makes me feel ill to think about it.

OP posts:
SaintJude · 17/10/2007 00:09

oh you must go. But, tbh, I dont think it would hurt to show the court just how much this is affecting you physically. If you feel like throwing up - then bloody do it!!!!

No point in hiding just how much this is affecting you.

Your safety, and the safety of your children and their future partners is at stake here.

Original poster
mamazon · 17/10/2007 10:55

thats the problem though Stjude ( and thank you for responding, was thinking i had been ignored for dareing to voice an unpopular opinion on another thread)

I dont think that anyone but me is taking this as seriously as they should. they don't seemt o look ahead 5,10.15 years to what an involvment with their dad will mean to their understanding of the world, and how to treat people within it.

i burts out of court once as i just couldn't listen to his voice anymore. when i was bought back in the judge had a go at me and said that i was the one that was aggressive!
all i had done was stand up say sorry as i ran out the door.

OP posts:
SaintJude · 17/10/2007 16:38

LOL, the thought had crossed my mind once or twice too

Sorry that it is so difficult. I dont know what to say. I cant believe they would think that this is in the best interests of the children.

MorticiasMother · 17/10/2007 22:36

But Mamazon, you are the main carer of your children, you are the one teaching them morals and values. You have the main influence over your children and it is your example that they will follow. If he is as bad as all that, then pretty soon they won't want any contact with him, and no court is ever going to force reluctant children to see their father. If they don't want to go, you just have to say that to the court.

How old are they? Are they old enough to be able to tell the court how they feel? Many courts will now let children tell them what they want.

Your children will realise in time what a bastard he is. They'll not want to have any contact with him at all. Be brave. If he sees you in a state then he knows he is getting to you. Let anger determine your composure in the court. Don't let him see your tears, let him see you in fighting mode. Pretty soon he'll see that it's more effort than it's worth on his part. And once he realises that he is no longer affecting you, he'll bore of it.

It must be so so hard and I really do feel for you. But you are strong and you can do this. He'll not win. The courts aren't stupid and hopefully common sense will prevail. Just try your best to keep your composure, it'll go down well in court too.

TotalChaos · 17/10/2007 22:38

I don't know much about the family law system, it sounds really horrible and unfair. I hope that it turns out as MM says, that your children can express their views and say they don't want to be with him.

MorticiasMother · 17/10/2007 22:44

I do believe that is the case now, although I know that mamazon's ds has autism but not sure how old he is? So he will have difficulty expressing himself and how he feels. However they can offer a video link to make things easier.

And if you suspect he is drink/driving or drunk whilst in charge of minors, a quick call to the Police wouldn't help his case either. It only takes one slip-up on his part for the whole custody decision to come crashing around his ears.

(Just a thought, how about calling the police station and asking any officers who have had contact with him, presuming he has been arrested for fighting and so on, to take the stand on your behalf? Or ex-friends of his?)

curseofthemummylin · 17/10/2007 23:45

no advice to give you but will be thinking of you ,what an ordeal for you to have to go through and still going on after so long.Hopefully someone will see through your ex and see him for what he really is.good luck

Original poster
mamazon · 17/10/2007 23:50

ds is 7 and DD is 3.

the court wouldn't accept any statement from them as they are too young and it would be assumed i had coached them.

As for getting friends to take the stand, my own brother wont take teh stand because my ex is so violant. the police wont release any info on him to me unless it is a direct order of the court and teh court wont order anything unless i can convince them (without any evedence now) that he has been drinking and fighting.

I am really gratefull of all your messages. it does help me feel more positive about it knowing that others ( who don't know either of us) can see it from my side and support me.
it does give me hope that the judge will see sense, so thank you all.

OP posts:
curseofthemummylin · 17/10/2007 23:57

wasnt there anybody who witnessed him fighting who you could ask to give a statement or something on your behalf ?

MorticiasMother · 18/10/2007 09:16

As people who work with children have to be CRB checked, surely to goodness they would have to check his own criminal record?

I would speak very politely and as composed as you can, to the judge stating his violent history but adding that, although the police know him, you cannot prove his violence unless you put yourself in danger trying to do so. It's a Catch22 situation but family court judges have seen it all before and trust me, they would not willingly put children in danger. Any judge worth their salt would take into consideration what you are saying and can order the police to release info on him.

I would ask all your friends, anyone you can, to consider giving evidence against him. Ask the court if those witnesses can be protected. There must be someone willing to stand up to him.

curseofthemummylin · 18/10/2007 13:19

i hope you have someone going with you to give you support.