to just want to run away from family life?

[Sloeginclub]

I really love my DH and DC but the repetitiveness and 'housekeeping' element of family life is making me go slowly mad to the point where i really am getting very stressed and horrible about it. It sounds really trivial but I like to live in a fairly orderly, tidy, clean home. Not a show home but not tripping over shoes, pants, general clutter all the time. The three of them(all male if that's relevant!) just don't seem to be bothered or even see when things like bathrooms need cleaning. NOTHING they ever use gets put away. They also seem incapable of doing anything properly even though they try. Eg wash up but stuff not properly clean. Take ages cleaning bathroom but then nothing gets put back where it goes afterwards. (One DC does have mild autism which is relevant in his case). I'm constantly nagging, cajoling, threatening, repeating myself a million times to no avail. I either do it all myself which I'm fighting against as a feminist as I know that's just bloody wrong and i don't want to rear kids who think 'the mum' does it all. Its really making me just want to f**k off on my own and leave them. DH is lovely, despite how this sounds he isn't lazy, he just has very different standards and is a bit inept. Reading this back i sound so bloody pathetic but I'm starting to hate living here.

We can't afford a cleaner plus that's a cop out. They need to take responsibility for cleaning up after themselves.

Are you me? Waiting for people with solutions to reply!!

You sound rather controlling, we all are entitled to different levels of tidiness as long as the home environment is safe. My DH has far higher standards of cleanliness than I do. My DC and I keep things generally tidy and clean but when, as frequently happens, DH finds the odd coat on the back of a chair, or a carrier bag left empty on a worktop etc. he either lives with it or clears it himself.
A family home should reflect the whole family.

I know what you mean. I have three teenage boys and yes none of them can wash up or even put things in the dishwasher. There is pee on the toilet seat , they leave whiskers and toothpaste round the sink, there toothbrushes have toothpaste all caked on the thick stem of the brush which I can't stand ! I'm not the most tidy person or want to live in a pristine house but the mess does really grate.

LocalHobo if I let it go 'their way' you literally would not be able to see the floor or a work surface or find anything in the house after a few weeks of 'non intervention'. Not to mention breaking your neck tripping over several pairs of size 10 shoes in the hall (I have actually done that a couple of time in the dark - not the neck bit but tripped over!). The number of times we've wasted lots of time looking for something, made ourselves late etc (piece of PE kit, scissors, various keys, etc etc etc ) because people don't put things back when they have used them. I don't think its controlling. Its a practical way to live with a house of 4 people. And why should i use a bathroom that stinks of piss if left for days without cleaning if I wait in vain for other people to take a turn at cleaning it?!

I hear you!!!

Do people who are happy with mess understand just how miserable it makes those of us who like it clean and tidy feel? I am in nearly the same situation as you, OP, all boys here too. My oldest son has started to say to me "why should I do it when X doesn't?" X being my partner. I didn't have an answer. Sometimes I don't want to go home as I can't relax there surrounded by mess and clutter.

I feel your pain. I've spent all lockdown - 6 months - trying to get ds (12) to do two things.....to put his dirty pants and socks in his laundry bag each day rather than throw them on the floor and to put his breakfast plate in the dishwasher.

He's an intelligent child. It's not difficult, yet I have to remind him every single morning He does it without complaint if I remind him but if I don't.....nothing! I don't get it. I already feel sorry for his future wife.

Your children are taking their lead from their father. They see him living in a tip and not caring so why should they. If you and he aren’t compatible in your standards then I can’t see how it’ll change. I’m not fussed by a bit of dust and I never wash skirting boards like you see people mention on here, but pants on the floor? Worn ones? That’s disgusting.

Oh wow, sounds incredibly familiar. I’ve got 3 older teen boys my biggest irritation is not putting thing in the washing bin just next to it apparently is fine.......

Mine are no where near teenagers but can't clean up after themselves even now. DH is always busy so doesn't, leaving me to do it on the days the cleaner doesn't come. I couldn't manage it on my own, so whilst it's not something i enjoy having, i'd rather spend the time with my family than cleaning up all day after work

@LocalHobo 🙄😱

I hear ya OP. Does my absolute tits in and I'm so fed up of cleaning and tidying now. 😩👊🏼

You don't sound controlling at all. We are all with you on this one as lots of us could have written this post! Amen!

Time to lose your shit, OP. I'm also living with three males, and I'm far too hot-tempered to live like that.

What has worked for me is:
Zero tolerance for cluttery mess in the sitting room.
No screens until any chores I choose to give you are done to standard. (Applies to kids, not husband)
As far as husband goes, accept what he does badly (incapable of cleaning kitchen benches properly) because he's actually better than me at some things (vacuuming).
If the loo is left in a state they all know that there will, by God, be a Family Meeting, and I will be delivering a TED talk.

Be more blatantly demanding. We do so much for them, don't be a doormat.

I hear you OP! I started small. I told them if they did not take their dirty dishes through after eating or drinking, I would not be cooking for them again (luckily they like my cooking 😆). I told them that if the clothes that they had worn were not in the washing basket, they would not be washed. I stated that leaving an empty loo roll when they knew where the extra supply was, was selfish and uncaring. I emphasised the fact that we are a family and their current behaviour was disrespectful to me and then asked them if they thought that I behaved in the same way to them. Basically I was given permission to retrain their brains so they could start to recognise that our home cannot run as it should, with only me ‘doing it all’. Don’t get me wrong, there are still slip ups but things have definitely improved. I wish you luck, the process can be terribly exhausting however it is so worth it

I remember my uncle once telling me, “if you want your parents to buy you a car, ask for a motorbike!” In other words suggest something unacceptable, to shock your partner into realising how big a deal this is for you and take action.

Explain to your husband that you love him very dearly but you are extremely unhappy in the home. Tell him that you are considering buying a small flat or caravan nearby to go to relax in the evenings because the constant mess is making you so stressed out and sad. You will always come home to sleep, you are not leaving him, you don’t want to be the nagging mother, you just need some space to yourself where you can be as happy and relaxed as they are. See what he says...

You should maybe stop being a martyr and tell them to do their bit.

Having a cleaner is not a "cop out"

I hear you! I have a husband and two boys (younger, at 8 & 12, but still old enough to do the basics) who don't see mess and would happily live like pigs. Since lockdown, while we've all been at home all day (both adults working from home and both kids doing schoolwork at home), I've had to lay down some hard and fast rules chores-wise. It's me doing the reminding each day, but at least I'm not doing all the bloody chores myself. Now we've been in thus routine for a few months, it's pretty ingrained.
So, every evening, just before the youngest's bedtime, everyone pitches in with a sweep of the house for things out of place and we all put things back where they should be. Then, once a week on a Sunday, late morning/just before lunch, we do a blitz of the cleaning: I do hoovering, the youngest does mopping, the eldest does dusting and DH does the bathroom. Only takes a half hour with everyone pitching in.
It's now become part of the weekly routine to do these things, as if they know it's coming at the same time each day/week, they just crack on.
I think it's important that we're all pitching in and doing it together, so it doesn't seem unfair to them.
Hope you guys can figure something similar out.

I pretty much lost the will to clean and discovered when the place is an utter shit tip my husband will clean it. I got sick of spending my days off cleaning only to go to work for a couple of days and it was just as bad again. I am ignoring mess, lowering my standards and only cleaning if I feel like it. He even cleaned out the fridge when it looked like a science experiment. I agree it's much nicer to have a clean and tidy house though.

YANBU

Your DH needs to step up. Your sons will turn into him. The cycle of womenswork needs to end.

My mum was like you when us kids were teens. She's now 63 and recently told me she was being an arsehole back then and wasted her life obsessing about trying constantly to force us to be like her, when it really didn't matter at all and she could have just left it and had a happier family life.

Anyway

Look you can martyr yourself, or accept that your kids are exactly like their dad (who, presumably, you liked and respected enough to have kids with??) and just make adjustments to account for that.

Dad needs to pay for a cleaner 2-3 times a week and you need to take up meditation and learn to let go of things you can't control. Stop rescuing your kids from experiencing the consequences of their actions (e.g. finding PE kit) and then getting shitty with them about how they never learn. It really doesn't need to be as difficult as you're insisting it has to be

I live in a house of 3 boys although mine are a lot younger and one has severe learning disabilities. In my experience they just don't see the mess. Things that have helped me are
A) Having my own space that they cannot mess up
B) For my DH to have a room that I don't touch that he can do what he likes with
C) In the joint space when my DH left a mess I started taking a photo of it before I cleaned up. My DH was genuinely shocked at how much I was tidying/cleaning up after him and started to make more of an effort.

It is all very well for people to say to just leave it but if I did this we would be living in a permanent mess. The room my DH has is rank but I just close the door and let him get on with it. I find it quite amusing when visitors see it as they assume it is a teenage boys bedroom. I showed his mum once as I in part blame her for not making him tidy up as a child. Funnily enough the only person he will tidy up or clean for is his Dad.

in line with the previous poster who suggested starting negotiations with something that you know they won't go for, then negotiating downwards... Tell them you've got an ad prepared to employ a cleaner three days a week and when they kick off grugdingly accept one day a week.
A cleaner makes all the difference to how you feel as it just means its not ALWAYS you doing it.
You probably can afford it. Prioritise your sanity.

In addition to the cleaner (which is cheaper than counselling and much cheaper than divorce, btw) you need a tidying strategy. Here's two tips:

1. As my kids have gotten older I've taken to piling all their discarded clothes, toys and shoes into a huge plastic bucket that lives in an unused, hidden corner of the lounge. It's called the Fairy Bucket after the magic fairy that picks up all their sh*t for them. If they say, where's my sneakers I say, check the Fairy Bucket. It's not my problem to sort it all and put it away. Every now and then when they want screentime I say that's fine, your lunchbox has to be washed out and the Fairy Bucket is full so it has to be emptied and all the stuff in it put away.
2. This is from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. Leave funny notes. Like, dear Michael, As a mirror I can't stand reflecting on a dirty room, Yours Sincerely, The Mirror. Or, Dear Michael, this towel on your floor could be used to grow mushrooms, From, A.Fun.Ghi. How old are your sons?

My husband is WFH, my two children are home from university. I work full time and we have a dog. I get up at 5am to walk the dog before I go to work and then again at 4pm when I get home. I don't want a medal but I like things to be very tidy. I appreciate that everyone is different so I don't nag and find it easier to do all the cleaning myself. However....a couple of months ago I had a really bad headache so asked my husband to cook supper. He grudgingly agreed and i sat down (6pm) with a cup of tea. My daughter came in and said "isn't it nice that dad is cooking supper for you."
This unleashed a side that I don't think they had seen before when I told them all in no uncertain terms that it was not for me but for themselves. I then made a roster and asked them all to pick 2 chores and a night each a week to cook and that would be their responsibility.
I surprised myself...and it has worked. Sometimes they have to stop thinking of it as helping you out but helping themselves out. I have also stopped ironing - it is liberating.