to just want to run away from family life?

[Sloeginclub]

I really love my DH and DC but the repetitiveness and 'housekeeping' element of family life is making me go slowly mad to the point where i really am getting very stressed and horrible about it. It sounds really trivial but I like to live in a fairly orderly, tidy, clean home. Not a show home but not tripping over shoes, pants, general clutter all the time. The three of them(all male if that's relevant!) just don't seem to be bothered or even see when things like bathrooms need cleaning. NOTHING they ever use gets put away. They also seem incapable of doing anything properly even though they try. Eg wash up but stuff not properly clean. Take ages cleaning bathroom but then nothing gets put back where it goes afterwards. (One DC does have mild autism which is relevant in his case). I'm constantly nagging, cajoling, threatening, repeating myself a million times to no avail. I either do it all myself which I'm fighting against as a feminist as I know that's just bloody wrong and i don't want to rear kids who think 'the mum' does it all. Its really making me just want to f**k off on my own and leave them. DH is lovely, despite how this sounds he isn't lazy, he just has very different standards and is a bit inept. Reading this back i sound so bloody pathetic but I'm starting to hate living here.

OP don't blame you for wanting a break. Most people feel like you at one point or another.

@rvby
I grew up in a messy house. We had a cleaner but the untidiness was overwhelming and even now mess makes me claustrophobic. Kids need good examples setting.

And the op has said they can't afford a cleaner. So they clearly can't afford 2-3 times a week.

Op sounds like a dynamic where you're parenting all of them. Agree with Dh what your baseline is and then split up the jobs between you.

Yep, you are me. I’ve taken drastic measures. I broke my ankle on Friday so now I’m immobile, they’re already having to learn to do things for themselves and me now. The floor needs to be kept tidy so I don’t trip up on my crutches.
Sorry I haven’t got any less drastic measures but I’m hoping by the end of the next few weeks mine will be more housetrained. I shouldn’t have let it get this far but it has just been easier to ‘do it myself’. Good luck!

I think you have made a rod for your own back. I do understand that not everyone has the same standards but picking up after them, is making it your job. Everyone should be helping.

I think a lot of people feel this way

My DP does almost equal house work and picks up a lot too. I never have to pick up after her. We have a cleaner who mops and hoovers the whole house once a week and cleans kitchen/bathrooms.

Give the kids a chore chart that they have to do.
Here's what our kids have been doing since the age of around 6/7:
rooms tidy - floors clear, stuff on shelves, clothes in laundry basket
lay and clear table
fill and empty dishwasher
coats shoes are in a place neatly
All dirty clothes are in their laundry baskets and they have to take their own clothes up and put away
10 year old now takes turn with putting a family laundry wash on.

You shouldn't be tripping up over shoes etc. there's a huge difference in a place being lived in and falling over things! We make kids take their stuff to their room, and then they have to keep hose in. decent state.
No arguments, no negotiation!

Same here OP. I do think the all male element is relevant. They learn from their male role models and it is SHIT.

My only way to cope is to pay a cleaner. I know it's a cop out but we can afford it and honestly it makes my marriage happier.

I often feel this way but for the opposite reason. I hate being an adult, I hate the responsibility of being a parent and hate running a house!!
It stems from my upbringing as I was an only child, put in a pedestal, never had to lift a finger at home until I left at 21 with no clue of how to look after myself.
I go through phases where I want to pick myself up and go and leave in my dream place alone but I then realise that I'd still have to clean and look after that house but be lonely too!! Then I appreciate things again

Thanks all for some useful tips although have tried a lot of them already tbh. Chore charts and allocating tasks - sounds very simple how some posters have described it, if it was that simple there wouldn't be a problem! It sounds like some posters have more compliant children than ours ! ("We just give them tasks and they do them, no negotiation" sounds amazing but not in the real world of any family I know. We HAVE done chore charts, task allocation etc, with penalties (like phone, TV, gaming time, other treats removed) but hasn't worked most of time - certainly not without relentless input from me which is sort of what I'm moaning about in original post, just sick of that level of non stop input. Its draining.

You're not controlling at all, OP, so ignore that.
It's so hard when you like things clean and tidy to a decent standard, but those around you aren't bothered.
What about if you were to move out for a week and leave them all to it?
Oh, and YANBU.

Grannyspecsand slippers, how specificaly do you "make kids take their stuff to their room" when they just won't do it? I'm genuiuanly wanting to know if you have practical tips? If a 14 year old is on the sofa despite you telling them a zillion times to go put stuff away, you've turned off wifi and TV. What other options are there given that taking a slipper to their rear end is no longer the done thing in parenting.

My DC (15 and 12) do have set chores and they usually do them- but like you, the standard isn’t always great! DD is supposed to clean the two bathrooms- she’ll do parts of them reasonably well but then ignore other areas, e.g. the floors. I’ve shown her how to clean properly, but it’s a constant battle.

Sorry I don’t have any brilliant advice. I just keep hoping. 🤣

Yes, it’s rather soul destroying, isn’t it...

I just have a teen dd and somehow she has reached the age of 14 thinking that things magically put themselves away... I think there is hope as she is used to things being clean and tidy (thanks to me...) and has recently shown more inclination to put stuff away and clean when prompted by me, so maybe role modelling does work in the long term...

Yep I hear you op. DD's job is the dishwasher. That has been her job for several years. Yet still some nights she 'forgets' or I 'didn't tell her to do it' - making it my responsibility again. I'm sick of it.

I say it's a good job I don't 'forget' to cook their dinner!

@Pumpkintopf yes, uploading the dishwasher is DS’s job and we usually have a pile of dirty dishes in the sink before he finally get around to doing it ( sometimes I do it from sheer frustration).🤣

Sloeginclub
Seriously?
You repeatedly ask your 14year old to do things and they just ignore you?
God I'd bloody well kill them.
I'm trying to raise responsible citizens, not be their bestest friend.

@serin. What are your tips for making this happen? How old are your teens (I’m assuming they’re teens)?

@Sloeginclub

Thanks all for some useful tips although have tried a lot of them already tbh. Chore charts and allocating tasks - sounds very simple how some posters have described it, if it was that simple there wouldn't be a problem! It sounds like some posters have more compliant children than ours ! ("We just give them tasks and they do them, no negotiation" sounds amazing but not in the real world of any family I know. We HAVE done chore charts, task allocation etc, with penalties (like phone, TV, gaming time, other treats removed) but hasn't worked most of time - certainly not without relentless input from me which is sort of what I'm moaning about in original post, just sick of that level of non stop input. Its draining.

Don't give them penalties, give them 'rewards'

ie, don't take their phone, gaming etc away, make them earn them in the first place. And that also means you don't have to keep reminding them. They have to look at the chart themselves and do what they're supposed to do.

Take the money for a cleaner out of their pocket money.

Serin, why on earth has anything I've said suggested I'm not trying to raise "responsible citizens?"

Yes - I do feel like bloody well killing them a lot of the time but violence isn't an option is it? Not unless I want to end up with social services. I do shout and get angry a lot. I'm not some kind of soft touch parent that lets them walk all over me like a door mat. Thats the point of my post really. Its the constant battling and effort that I'm sick of.

Serin, also guesing you don't know many 14 year olds? Most of the parents I know say similar things about being regularly ignored!

@Guineapigbridge

In addition to the cleaner (which is cheaper than counselling and much cheaper than divorce, btw) you need a tidying strategy. Here's two tips: 1) As my kids have gotten older I've taken to piling all their discarded clothes, toys and shoes into a huge plastic bucket that lives in an unused, hidden corner of the lounge. It's called the Fairy Bucket after the magic fairy that picks up all their sh*t for them. If they say, where's my sneakers I say, check the Fairy Bucket. It's not my problem to sort it all and put it away. Every now and then when they want screentime I say that's fine, your lunchbox has to be washed out and the Fairy Bucket is full so it has to be emptied and all the stuff in it put away. 2) This is from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. Leave funny notes. Like, dear Michael, As a mirror I can't stand reflecting on a dirty room, Yours Sincerely, The Mirror. Or, Dear Michael, this towel on your floor could be used to grow mushrooms, From, A.Fun.Ghi. How old are your sons?

The fairy bucket is a genius idea! Although I suspect it might get very full very quickly

I'm suspicious when people say they "don't see mess". Sounds like a convenient excuse not to have to do anything to me. When I was a kid me, DSis and my stepfather all had a room we had to thoroughly clean weekly. We also all had a cooking night and a washing up night. Think my DM would have gone insane otherwise. Not sure how she made us do it though, it didn't ever seem like an option not to.