Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL providing childcare

43 replies

Frazzled13 · 06/09/2020 20:58

Despite the title, this isn’t a problem MIL thread.
DH and I have a 14 month old DD who is currently in nursery full time and loving it. MIL is retiring at the end of the year (not sure it’s relevant but she’s 59, FIL will still be working but full time from home). She’s offered (we absolutely did not ask, or even hint, and we didn’t expect the offer) to take DD one day a week to save us some nursery fees.
I get on very well with MIL and always have. Over lockdown we moved in with them so that they could help look after DD while we all wfh. We got along well during this time, plus obviously it means DD is very comfortable with her, she knows DD very well etc so we wouldn’t be leaving DD with someone she was a bit unfamiliar with (obviously she could have a close relationship with DD without us having lived there for 2.5 months, but it helps me to know how comfortable DD is at their house etc).
But, for some reason I’m wary of her looking after DD regularly like this. I have no concerns about safety or anything like that, I think it might be all the stories on mumsnet about grandparents providing childcare and it causing problems!
I’m sure plenty of people use grandparents for childcare and it all goes completely smoothly, so they have no reason to post about it. Can anyone in this situation reassure me? Is it only a problem if there are already issues in the relationship? Or are there pitfalls I’m not seeing?

OP posts:
notanotherpothole · 06/09/2020 21:03

My parents and PIL provided childcare for DS while he was very young. No major issues., and no fall outs. We did have to turn a blind eye to more chocolate than we would give him. He now has a great relationship with all his grandparents and they have taught him so much that I couldn't have. Go for it.

JeNeComprendsPas · 06/09/2020 21:04

If your relationship is fine then this could be grand. I'd offer money for any activities (and provide food/snacks) just so she doesn't feel taken advantage of though, especially if her income drops due to retirement.

RhodaDendron · 06/09/2020 21:05

That all sounds lovely. For the sake of looking for problems where there may not be any, has your MIL got decent, recent experience looking after young children?
We were in much the same boat with my own parents and, since our DD was their first and then only grandchild, they really had forgotten how much hard work it was. We kept up the arrangement for six months but I could see they were getting frazzled and called it a day. They loved bonding with her but did find it hard covering the full day, they had underestimated the stamina required. They now look after my niece no problems though! It sounds like you have a lovely set up, I’m sure it will be fine.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/09/2020 21:07

Is the nursery over subscribed? If so, I'd hang on to the space (but not use that one day) for the first couple months as a trial.

If the nursery always has places, the just give it a go and see how it works. Make it clear to her that it's a trial for all of you as she may find she prefers 1 day a fortnight/month/etc.

nervousnelly8 · 06/09/2020 21:08

I also think it's only an issue if the relationship isn't good beforehand. Hell would freeze over before I'd make this arrangement with my MIL, but I have several friends whose MILs do regular childcare for their toddlers. Were you generally on the same page when you were living together about food, activities, screen time etc.? Those seem to be things which can cause upset.

Original poster
Frazzled13 · 06/09/2020 21:11

For the sake of looking for problems where there may not be any, has your MIL got decent, recent experience looking after young children?

Well, when we were there over lockdown, all four of us (PILs, DH and I) were wfh full time so we’d all be looking after DD throughout the day, coordinating schedules etc. So she did quite a bit of feeding, bathing, playing etc, plus they’ve taken her overnight a couple of times since we moved back home. FIL absolutely dotes on her and he has his own company and wfh fairly flexibly so will be on hand as well.

OP posts:
LilaButterfly · 06/09/2020 21:13

My parents have my brothers DD two days a week. Been like this for 2 years with no issues.

Pebblexox · 06/09/2020 21:14

I think you've read too many horror stories, and honestly you need to stop. You'll create problems that don't exist.
I think it's lovely if your mil wants to do that, especially if shes good with you dd and you all have a good relationship. The bond between grandparents and grandchildren can be so beautiful, so I'd honestly go for it.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 06/09/2020 21:14

Sounds completely fine and totally normal in my circle.

Siameasy · 06/09/2020 21:15

Don’t overthink it. Variety is good for DCs (nursery some days, family others) and they’ll develop an excellent bond. My MIL like yours suggested similar (we had DD in nursery 2 days, MIL one day plus other random days as we work shifts). Yes you have to pick your battles as ILs will do things that are highly annoying. Yes it always seems to be centred on junk food and plastic tat! But that’s life!

hibbledibble · 06/09/2020 21:18

My parents help with childcare, it's great. Lovely bonding time, and it obviously saves on expensive nursery fees. You need to accept that you can't dictate the terms as much as you might with paid for childcare (have to be more relaxed about screen time, treats, discipline etc) but overall I find the benefits more than outweigh that, as long as you have a good relationship and are on the same page re parenting styles

Fatted · 06/09/2020 21:19

If you use family as childcare, I think you have to accept that it's not the same as Nursery/Childminder etc. There won't be as much structure or learning based activities as you would probably see at nursery. I think you also have to accept that they may not adhere to your rules/routine as much as you might like. The main issue is that you need to be comfortable enough to bring up any issues you're not happy with about your DC's care. If there is something you're not happy with in nursery, if it isn't resolved you can take your DC to another nursery. If family are looking after your DC, it could cause irreparable damage to the relationship if you don't agree with how your DC is being looked after.

I used family members for child care for a couple of years. It was for a couple of hours each day between DH finishing work and my day starting. I'm not sure I could have done it for more than a few hours at a time. But all in all, it went OK. Now I'm back full time, DC are with a CM. I must admit I much prefer having a professional rather than personal relationship for someone looking after my DC. I don't know why though. I think it's just a clear distinction for me, DC and the CM who's role is who's in the family.

SciFiScream · 06/09/2020 21:25

My late MIL looked after my son 1 day a week always on my return to work when he was 9 moths old. He's 14 this month.

We didn't do it for the childcare we did it because we wanted them to have a wonderful relationship. One of the best things we've ever done.

My MIL loved her grandchildren so much. She wouldn't have managed with my DD but I'd dropped a day a week by then so we all spent time together. Then when both at school she used to pick them up from after school club, get the bus home with them and stay for dinner. She brought them bags of sweets. I wasn't supposed to know they ate them on the way home. It was a secret MIL and I shared...then the DC thought they were sharing a secret with their Granny!

Anyway not needing it is often a stress free way of having grandparent childcare and it does build amazing relationships.

Miss my wonderful MIL so much.

UserFriendly14 · 06/09/2020 21:33

My MIL does 2 days a week for us and it’s wonderful. If anything it’s improved our relationship as there’s common ground for us now.

Yes, you have to pick your battles/turn a blind eye if they do something you’d rather they didn’t. If there is an issue, I talk it over with DH to see if it’s worth mentioning and he will do so if needs be but it’s honestly few and far between. I always try to remember that there’s no such thing as free childcare- even if you’re paying in a different way!

hiredandsqueak · 06/09/2020 21:38

I have dgs whilst dd works. I follow her routine because it makes life easier for her and dgs. She hasn't given me any dos and don'ts but I have a pretty good idea of how she would like dgs to be looked after and I stick with that. Dd is grateful and I am happy to spend time with dgs so it works for us. I think so long as there isn't too much rigidity from either side it can work well.

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2020 21:41

@Frazzled13

Despite the title, this isn’t a problem MIL thread. DH and I have a 14 month old DD who is currently in nursery full time and loving it. MIL is retiring at the end of the year (not sure it’s relevant but she’s 59, FIL will still be working but full time from home). She’s offered (we absolutely did not ask, or even hint, and we didn’t expect the offer) to take DD one day a week to save us some nursery fees. I get on very well with MIL and always have. Over lockdown we moved in with them so that they could help look after DD while we all wfh. We got along well during this time, plus obviously it means DD is very comfortable with her, she knows DD very well etc so we wouldn’t be leaving DD with someone she was a bit unfamiliar with (obviously she could have a close relationship with DD without us having lived there for 2.5 months, but it helps me to know how comfortable DD is at their house etc). But, for some reason I’m wary of her looking after DD regularly like this. I have no concerns about safety or anything like that, I think it might be all the stories on mumsnet about grandparents providing childcare and it causing problems! I’m sure plenty of people use grandparents for childcare and it all goes completely smoothly, so they have no reason to post about it. Can anyone in this situation reassure me? Is it only a problem if there are already issues in the relationship? Or are there pitfalls I’m not seeing?
I have done childcare for various DGC of various children for a few years now.

One day a week will be fine and they'll both enjoy it!

Original poster
Frazzled13 · 06/09/2020 21:45

If you use family as childcare, I think you have to accept that it's not the same as Nursery/Childminder etc. There won't be as much structure or learning based activities as you would probably see at nursery.

This is actually something I really like about the idea of MIL looking after her, rather than something I’d have to accept. She’s so little that I’m not fussed about more structured activities, and I know MIL will take her out and about lots to parks so as much as she enjoys nursery and being around other toddlers, a day of one on one attention, and running around outside will be lovely for her I think.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 06/09/2020 21:46

OP what is your concern? She is the child’s grandmother, right? And you live or have lived with her? You know her better than the strangers on an Internet forum.

Original poster
Frazzled13 · 06/09/2020 21:52

@sst1234

OP what is your concern? She is the child’s grandmother, right? And you live or have lived with her? You know her better than the strangers on an Internet forum.
It’s not a concern specific to her, I was thinking more about the general idea of it and whether it was something that tended to strain relationships. I would hate to not have such a good relationship with her because she felt taken advantage of, or I disagreed with something she was doing for example . So was just asking about general positives and negatives of free childcare provided by family.
OP posts:
Fortheloveofgodwhy · 06/09/2020 21:53

Sounds great OP, I would bring up holidays. How will you manage if her and FIL decide to go on a 3 week cruise? Can you cover or book your DC into nursery with notice? Otherwise it’s lovely and I totally advocate using extended family to help. Wish my in laws or parents were near enough to do it, but we do leave the 3 dcs with them for a few days or even a week at a time so we can do DIY or have a weekend break once or twice a year.

mumtobabygilrl · 06/09/2020 21:57

Our DD used to go to nursery full time but now my mum has her one day per week. She absolutely loves it! She enjoys a fun day with nanny with less structured routine than nursery and plenty of outdoor time in the garden visiting local farm etc. If you trust MIL I'd give it a go, why don't u try a 6month trial to see how it goes?

user1493413286 · 06/09/2020 21:58

We’re in a similar situation with mil due to provide childcare and from talking to friends the main things seem to be about letting some things slide and not expecting them to be at the level of a childminder or nursery. I can imagine my mil won’t do certain things how I’d like them done but as it’s only a day a week I accept that and my gratitude at the money we save will outweigh any irritation (or I’ll remind myself of that if I do get irritated). I think the point made about paying for activities is a good one though and something I’ll make sure I do

MrsFezziwig · 06/09/2020 21:58

Mumsnet is not representative of real life. In real life I know a number of DMs & MILs who look after their GCs with no issues whatsoever, and everyone benefits.

And with reference to the poster who is worrying that on one day a week the GC won’t be doing any “learning based activities”, makes me wonder how people of my generation ever managed to grow up into educated people when no-one even went to nursery.

katienana · 06/09/2020 22:00

It sounds like you get on really well and your PIL are lovely so I think you'll be fine. My mum looked after my son till I stopped working and it was great, they bonded and she was amazing at sticking to his routine and focusing on his needs .

LetItGoHome · 06/09/2020 22:05

I'm sure it will work out fine. But have you considered how you will cover the days when your parents in law go on holiday or are unwell. There may well be lots of holidays being booked now your mother in law is retired! She may well be planning all those trips she has been unable to do before.