MIL providing childcare

[Frazzled13]

Despite the title, this isn’t a problem MIL thread.
DH and I have a 14 month old DD who is currently in nursery full time and loving it. MIL is retiring at the end of the year (not sure it’s relevant but she’s 59, FIL will still be working but full time from home). She’s offered (we absolutely did not ask, or even hint, and we didn’t expect the offer) to take DD one day a week to save us some nursery fees.
I get on very well with MIL and always have. Over lockdown we moved in with them so that they could help look after DD while we all wfh. We got along well during this time, plus obviously it means DD is very comfortable with her, she knows DD very well etc so we wouldn’t be leaving DD with someone she was a bit unfamiliar with (obviously she could have a close relationship with DD without us having lived there for 2.5 months, but it helps me to know how comfortable DD is at their house etc).
But, for some reason I’m wary of her looking after DD regularly like this. I have no concerns about safety or anything like that, I think it might be all the stories on mumsnet about grandparents providing childcare and it causing problems!
I’m sure plenty of people use grandparents for childcare and it all goes completely smoothly, so they have no reason to post about it. Can anyone in this situation reassure me? Is it only a problem if there are already issues in the relationship? Or are there pitfalls I’m not seeing?

My parents looked after my children for one day a week for years (not necessarily all of them at once as there’s a spread of ages) but they are all teens/adults now and my ‘kids’ have a really close relationship with them now. It’s lovely and I’m so glad they did it.

I agree with @MrsFezziwig care by grandparents doesn't necessarily mean that gc won't be learning. 1 to 1 care by someone who has plenty of experience raising their own children will mean ample time for learning opportunities. My own dc didn't go to nursery yet could read and do simple sums before school so expect dgs will most likely do the same with care from his granny.

Sounds good. It's just one day per week after all. If MIL was suggesting 3-5 days I'd say it would be too much, but one day will be great.

@LetItGoHome

I'm sure it will work out fine. But have you considered how you will cover the days when your parents in law go on holiday or are unwell. There may well be lots of holidays being booked now your mother in law is retired! She may well be planning all those trips she has been unable to do before.

I agree with this, make sure you make some kind of agreement to how much notice they can give you if they plan a holiday, and make sure you’ve thought about your alternate plans for this and illness

But have you considered how you will cover the days when your parents in law go on holiday or are unwell. There may well be lots of holidays being booked now your mother in law is retired!

Pre-Covid they went on quite a few holidays, a couple of longer ones a year and then several weekend breaks. MIL has suggested taking DD mid-week so that they can go away at the weekends without it clashing. And for their longer holidays, if it’s two weeks, DH and I will just take a day off each. I think the nursery do do ad hoc sessions if they have the space but obviously we can’t guarantee that.

It sounds like I was being unreasonable to fret, and that it is a good idea.

We use creche 2 days a week and MIL one day a week while I work. MIL (59)was determined to have DD. Never been any issues, problems at all. Dd adores her grandma but also loves her 2 days at creche so it's nice and balanced.

We did try to pay MIL but she refused. Now we over buy for her on birrbdays Christmas and generally just nice gifts randomly.

I think you have heard far to many horror stories. I love that my child is so close to dh mother. However we have always got on amazing

As others have said, despite what you read on here, hundreds, thousands even, of dcs are successfully cared for by gps when parents return to work. Some have their dgc full time, others have them part time. In our case, it is dh who has our dgc a couple of days a week. Dils mum does a couple of days and Ds and dil do the rest between them. As they both work shifts, the fact that gps can be more flexible than a nursery makes it much easier for them. If dh or dils parents cant do their day for any reason, the other side tend to step in. And I help dh when I can, but due to my job, this is really limited to school holidays.
Neither dils parents nor us, take liberties - if we want to give a treat, we always ask but equally dil doesn't weigh us down with a long list of demands. As for the structured learning - dgc has plenty of opportunity to learn, whether it is painting, singing, looking at books together, playing with toys, physical activities in the garden etc.

It sounds like it will work out well. You have a good relationship with your MIL...Your DD is used to get and your FIL sounds like he would pitch it too.

It will help to continue develop the relationship between then all.... go for it.

I am 70 in three weeks time and have my two year old DGD three days a week. She speaks in sentences, knows her colours, manages her puzzles, knows nearly all the letters of the alphabet and all because I spend most of my time playing and speaking to her. She is very calm and well behaved, (for me), loves nap time which gives me a break and the days just fly by. Go for it, she will have a lovely relationship with her.

I think it will probably go really well. If you know that she isn't the type who doesn't believe in car seats, which was one MN example, you'll probably be fine.

I've never relied on grandparents as they live too far away, but DS cries at nap time for a few minutes and I know my in-laws would pick him straight back up again, for example. If we left them to put him to bed he'd still be up at 10pm! As you have recently lived together she should be able to be in loco parentis and follow your usual routine quite easily.

My mil looked after ds1 1 day a week. No issues, they have a fantastic bond. Unfortunately she isn't able to do the same with ds2 because of ill health. I feel really lucky to have her in my life

My mum has had my daughter one day a week since 6 months old, it’s worked really well. I give her breakfast at home, drop at my mums, she does her lunch and I send her with a Tupperware of something to heat up for her tea. I feel it helps my mum out if she doesn’t have to cook two meals for her and gives her more time to focus on spending quality time with her rather than having to be cooking twice during their time together.

They have a great time together. My mum gives her such quality 1:1 time.

Only pitfall is needing to arrange alternative care when my mum goes on holiday (and my mum does quite like to go on holiday a few times a year! Fair play to her, she deserves to enjoy her retirement).

MIL did a day a week during my DD's first year. It was great to know DD was in safe hands, but I did have to bite my lip regularly. MIL liked filling DD up on ice cream/sweets just before I picked her up so DD wouldn't eat her tea. She also took her out once without a car seat (got my DH to deal with that one). But the benefits outweighed the negatives - and I don't count saving money as a benefit. I just mean that MIL enjoyed it, DD was with someone who loved her and I relaxed when I was at work. So it can work as long as you able to accept your MIL will do some things differently to you.

One day a week is just fine. I looked after my grandchildren on a part time basis so I had time for my hobby which involved art classes. I was also available when they started school and we picked them up several times a week. my dh always made sure I wasn’t taken advantage of by always respecting our space. As a result we established a lovey, long lasting relationship with them. We had all sorts of things in our home they played and used. They both grew to love art as they had access to my materials, they made cakes, grew vegetables and visited museums etc. We had lots of books and took them to the library. Now they are working and they still visit regularly and when they have done some lovely things for us I was told what goes around comes around nan. Please don’t deprive your child of a loving regular relationship which adds another dimension to their experience.

Wasn't an option for me but things to think about from experience...
Holidays, sickness- you wouldn't want them to look after dd if they not well ...and little ones get bugs from nursery
Giving everyone an easy out... so if they do find it too much of a tie/tiring they don't struggle on. And equally if its not working for u or dd anymore for any reason you can change without guilt trips. .
Is there likely to be sibling coming along if so timing/looking after 2..

Also making time as family together not just work days..

Nothing insurmountable but have a 'business' like conversation first..and open communication.

Could you do a trial?

If you all get on as well as you seem to do then go for it.Children benefit a huge amount from the special relationships they have with grandparents.It keeps grandparents young too and gives them a focus.I cannot begin to tell you the positive influence my mum hs been on both my kids.They both one now 30 and one 8 love her dearly and cherish her and their time with her,often seeking her out instead of us!! They have such a wonderful relationship that to be fair sometimes makes me jealous! But I am so thankful for it.It truely is a blessing.

Tbh I’d be less concerned about grandparent care than nursery care. At least with the grandparent he’s getting looked after by someone who knows and loves him rather than someone who does it for a living.

I think it's fine if you have a good relationship and given you moved in with them (😅) you obviously do. This will have also given her an opportunity to be familiar with the minute of DD’s routine.

I have a tricky relationship with in-laws but they are absolutely great with DC, they are very respectful of the fact that I make the decisions and I know follow my instructions re DC to the letter. So even though they're not my people I would have no qualms with them providing childcare.