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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can someone help me please

43 replies

Faithfai · 06/09/2020 13:45

Hi guys please could someone help me I just really need some advice. Much appreciated any comments thank you ..
Ok so I've been with my partner 2 years we have just moved in with each other he has children I have children .. he has just started working he has been out of work for a long time which I'm really proud that he has finally got a job but here comes the venting right bare in mind he did this before he got a job .. all's he does is sleep does not help me in the house he says that he regulates the kids well we have his children on a weekend and he don't get up until 1 in the afternoon which I think it's bang out of order when he should be the one making breakfast ect ect...(for his kids see considering there only here for the weekend) But he don't and they come to me. Now he is saying to me he wants to go and do his hobby ect ect during the week when he finishes work ok not a problem so your gonna be working until Monday to Friday go and see your friends to do your hobby .. then on the weekend we have 2 extra children which is supposed to be his time yet he is just sleeping it away .. then he told me the other day that when he got a job he is doing what he wants to do .. so we're do I fit into this ok I've been out of work for few weeks now I'm looking for a job while the children are in school but it's like he expects me to do everything in the house and make sure his dinner Is on the table when he comes home from work ..so we're do I fit into this I've told him I want to go back to college and the course is on a night time.. so who do I ask to watch the kids? Because he is not going to be here? And I'm far from family. And if I tell him that he can't go to his friends then I'm a control freak? Don't get me wrong he is a good dad when he is awake but what do I do? ... Also I'm feeling alot of resentment towards him ..it's like my life is on hold untill everybody in the house hold is seen to .. and I don't get any respect of any of them in the house .. if I've not done something like the washing because Ive had to go town and had phone calls to make he is mad because he has no socks ect ect yet I've asked him to peg it out or put on the radiators and he won't ... But it's my fault?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 06/09/2020 13:53

Kick him out! Why the hell would you put up with this?

SummerSummerSummertime · 06/09/2020 13:57

He needs to help.
It he won't then I would leave 🤷‍♀️

TheHappyHerbivore · 06/09/2020 14:00

Ditch him. It won’t get better. This is just who he is as a person.

LockdownLoving · 06/09/2020 14:09

From what you have described, he will burden you with as much as you allow him to get away with... the question is, when will you stop him?

Now picture having a DP who not only pulls his own weight and that of his own kids, but is also able to take care of you and your kids as needed, and who encourages you to become your best self, by looking after things while you attend your course during the week.

Sounds to me like your life will be much easier minus his dead weight and his children that he refuses to look after for half the day at the weekends.

How have you put up with this for so long?

MitziK · 06/09/2020 14:17

Fuck that.

If it's him moving into your home, kick him out.

If you've moved into his, leave now.

He's trying to set his stall out from the outset and make it clear he is to be served at all times as your master, thinking that living together has given him the power to do so.

You need to set yours out. As in 'Fuck off'.

Original poster
Faithfai · 06/09/2020 14:25

We have literally just moved into a place together and we both have give up our houses to move in with each other ... And thank you very much all your comments are being taken into account ... I feel really really shit .. what do I do though how do I actually confront him with this ...I mean his kids are here now and he is doing his hobby yet there going home today?.. and when he drops them of later he is of to his friend? And I will be left to clean up after everyone?

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 06/09/2020 14:41

You are just his housekeeper and childminder, with some sex on the side.
Tell him it's not working for you and please leave.

Yoholyolo · 06/09/2020 14:46

TBH I think you've probably made a big mistake and just need to quietly and calmly explain to him that's why you're going to move out, and do so, unless he shows a genuine desire to change the situation.

Personally today I'd be tempted to say, I realise it will be late when you get back to clean up after your kids, but could you do your best not to wake me up when you come to bed? I need to be up in the morning.

What happens next won't be fun, and he's unlikely to do it, but it will open up the idea that part of the clearing up is down to him and you aren't just accepting his behavior. He also needs to be setting a better example for his kids, but I suspect you've just found out what his expectations of you living with him are.

Crankley · 06/09/2020 14:48

I voted YABU because you are to put up with it. Kick him out.

LockdownLoving · 06/09/2020 14:51

Quietly look for alternate housing, tell him only once that is all sorted and you and your children are ready to go... arrange a friend or family member to be there with you for moral support when the time comes to tell him. You do not want to expose your children to drama, nor to the misuse and neglect of their mother.

You've got this.

LovingLola · 06/09/2020 14:53

Quietly look for alternate housing, tell him only once that is all sorted and you and your children are ready to go... arrange a friend or family member to be there with you for moral support when the time comes to tell him. You do not want to expose your children to drama, nor to the misuse and neglect of their mother.

This.
In the meantime if you are having sex make sure your contraception is bullet proof. You do not need a pregnancy with this waste of space lazy fucker.

user12642379742146 · 06/09/2020 14:56

He's not a good dad.

That's you desperately trying to find something positive to say about him, even if untrue.

Original poster
Faithfai · 06/09/2020 14:58

Well the kids have just come over and told ne there hungry I've told them to go to there dad but I feel really bad 😔... But he ain't listening because he is busy doing what he is doing.. but he tells me that im to soft with the kids and that I need to regulate them more .. yet how can I do that if I'm prepping dinner and he is sat there on his phone. Saying he is prepping ready for when he drops the kids of .. I think you are all right I'm getting very frustrated with this now ... And really starting to dislike him

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 06/09/2020 15:00

What a shame you have given up your house to move in with this man child.

Was he not like this before you moved in together?

Elieza · 06/09/2020 15:00

Sounds like he’s one of these men that thinks you’re sitting in your arse all day doing bugger all so you can just do all the housework and tidying up after him and making his tea etc as he is the Man with the Very Important Job and you are nothing and deserve no consideration. In fact if you’re benefiting from his extra earnings you should be grateful.

Aye right mate. I don’t think so!

Get him told that you are not a servant cleaning up after everyone. You should all have your chores to do. Perhaps you could do a few more on days you aren’t busy but that should be your gift rather than you being taken for granted.
His kids and their requirements or mess is his issue not yours.
And if he intends on sleeping rather than caring for them you’re off out. Fuck that.

If he starts getting his finger out great. However in my experience once you get one of these lazy guys they don’t change. You may have to leave. Start looking now.

nevernotstruggling · 06/09/2020 15:01

The 1pm rising time is enough for me. Fuck that

LakieLady · 06/09/2020 15:02

He has no respect for you and this is not an equal partnership.

Bin him.

Original poster
Faithfai · 06/09/2020 15:02

I think you lot are absolutely right .. he did help me massively though when I had to go to court with my children I and an abusive ex and he has never abused me he has been respectful in that way but .. what he is doing is cruel and selfish .. thank you all so much and I'm sorry for moaning 😥

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 06/09/2020 15:04

Ermm I dont think this is going to work, when you both lived separately did you spend time at each others houses, did you spend the weekend with his kids then? , were things different until you moved in together?.

Have you bought your new home or rented, if its rented then i would think it would be easier for you to leave rather than if its mortgaged...either way I'd be off.

Original poster
Faithfai · 06/09/2020 15:06

He has only been a work for a week and before that he still sat on his arse being all depressed staying awake all night and sleeping all day .. my kids do love him .. and to be honest when he used to come over he never lifted a finger he cleaned the house once when I was on night duty a few weeks ago but he don't really do anything other than what he wants.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 06/09/2020 15:07

He is abusing you - just in a different way.
Please look at doing counselling when you leave him. You need to raise the bar in terms of relationships.

LovingLola · 06/09/2020 15:08

And don’t fool yourself- your children don’t love him.

Tistheseason17 · 06/09/2020 15:08

So sorry but you need to confront this now and agree some ground rules. Otherwise you are the unpaid hired help. It won't get better.

PinkiOcelot · 06/09/2020 15:08

He’s far from a good dad. He’s awake now but faffing on his phone. He’s a lazy bastard!!

Sorry OP, I think you’ve made a big mistake moving in with this arse hole. That can be rectified though. I would be looking to move back out.

What an absolute lazy twat.

Original poster
Faithfai · 06/09/2020 15:09

We always kinda did it at mine because I had more room so the kid would come to mine on a weekend but we have been living together in this house for 2 months now so I've. Literally just got straight. He has decorated half the front room and just left it like that? .. not put my feature wall up now so I don't know when that's gonna be up

OP posts: