AIBU to start a Go Fund Me page for a private diagnosis for DS?

[squirrelnut]

I’m feeling really low at the moment so possibly not the best time to post in AIBU but I need honest opinions!

I want to start a go fund me page to raise money for my DS (5) to pay for a private ASD assessment. It’s £2000 which is more than we could ever afford.

I’ve been battling with the NHS since he was 9 months old. He has a very complex history of trauma whilst I was carrying him and I also have mental health problems so the stick tends to get pointed at me and it’s either poor parenting or attachment issues (for which zero support or understanding is available). I have 3 older children who have no similar issues.

DS currently has no proper diagnosis other than development delay which is preventing us from accessing the right support for him. I don’t think he fits neatly in one box and so we really need professional help and someone who takes the time to conduct a thorough assessment of his needs.

CAMHS have been terrible and for years refused the referral and the one time they did accept, I had a meeting with them (without DS) and they promptly discharged him!

So tell me AIBU to start a go fund me page as it feels an uncomfortable thing to do.

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask for donations - people should want to be charitable. It’s the sort of thing I would happily contribute to.

One thing I would say though, is that unless you have had a dramatic change in circumstances since you had your children, why did you have so many if you don’t have enough money to find £2k for something so important?

drspouse I totally agree - my DS is not adopted but his needs are very complex and need unpacking by a professional and not just a tick box type assessment.

If a friend of mine posted this I would donate.

@squirrelnut

Sorry link doesn’t work - if you go to this resources page there’s lots of info: beaconhouse.org.uk/resources/

The first one is the one I was trying to link to...

Thankyou, that second link worked. Very interesting read.

I will look in to a bank loan. My credit rating is poor because of financial abuse in the past but a combo of loan and some of the DLA money might be the best way forward.

Could you get an extra evening or weekend job? I picked up an early weekend morning pub cleaning job recently. I’m done not long after my kids get up so they haven’t got chance to miss me and the extra money really helps! It’ll soon add up

I would support this if a friend put up a go fund me page for her child.

I would absolutely want to help any of my friends out in this situation. Anyone who wouldn't is pretty hard hearted and not much of a friend. I saw a Go fund me to raise £30k to fix an injured bloody dog the other day. And it was the owners own fault it needed treatment. That's obscene and id far rather donate to a family in as desiderata need as yours than a dog.

Fr0thandBubble dramatic change of circs and also no choice due to many years in an abusive marriage but that is all in the past now. I did consider putting DS up for adoption due to the trauma but I decided keeping him would be best for us all and so continue to try my very best.

No please don’t do that. Hundreds of people have to save/ borrow to pay for private care. It’s your responsibility no one else’s.

In response to getting a second job - I just can’t. I already work and DS needs 1:1 attention day and night at the moment. I am exhausted. That’s not an excuse just the truth.

YANBU
A work colleague set up a go fund me for a new pet..
no one is forcing anyone to donate if they don’t want to

I don’t think you are being unreasonable I really feel for you

I would try and get a loan first but if that failed and I felt as desperate as you do to get the right treatment plan for my child I would do the same

Unfortunately many children are being let down by underfunded over stretched services And this often impacts the whole family

I would ask for this threat to be pulled you will be criticised and it’s obvious you are struggling You don’t deserve that

Start another thread and ask questions in relation with your sons issues

There will be those willing to share information from there own experience

Sorry you just lost me with you considered having him adopted.
You cannot just give kids away because they have issues.

@scotsllb

Please don't think I'm being rude or ignorant but I'm really interested in what kind of trauma a whilst in utero affects early childhood and in what way ?

You could also research 1001 critical days. Development begins from conception.

I mean you could just post one, and if nobody donates you're no worse off? If you get a hundred quid then that's a start? If you hit your target then your family gets the help it needs. You can't lose.

Firstly, you can start a Go Fund Me for any reason, it's up to individuals whether they contribute or not. As long as you're being honest about what the money is for then you're not doing anything "wrong"

However, what doors are you hoping to open with a private diagnosis? What extra support are you wanting it to bring? I would first think very carefully about what you want your end result to be and whether a private diagnosis will really get your there? I work in SEND and private a private diagnosis is often not regarded very highly or given much weight because the patient is a paying customer and often the HCP tends to give them what they are seeking (if that makes sense)

Is your ds in school? I'd be tempted to focus on getting the right support for the needs that he is presenting with and your school SENCO and LA SEND officers are a good place to start.

But I’m sick of parents of autistic children funding care themselves.

It's not only those needs, we had to pay for surgery privately because the NHS wouldn't do it. If we hadn't then my child would have been in a wheelchair, it cost us over 20k which we had to borrow. The operation was done by an NHS surgeon in a private hospital.

You can make one and if people want to contribute they can and if they don’t they can just scroll past. I wouldn’t judge anyone for making one for a cause important to them.

Sorry you just lost me with you considered having him adopted.
You cannot just give kids away because they have issues.

Do you feel better now you've got that off your chest?

Yes thanks.

TexDrip sorry to be clear I considered that way before I knew he had additional needs - not because of them. I considered it because of the way in which he was conceived and the fact that I had too much on my plate and that I wouldn’t have chosen to have another child.
I did not do this however and I was just responding to a poster who asked why I had 4 children.

Do it! If it doesn't work what have you lost? If it does your one step forward in the battle for support.
This is the type of thing I would much rather give money to then a charity with executives on six figure salaries.
Only advice is if you have a friend or relative who is good at social media/publicising things to get their help in raising awareness of the GoFundMe page so it's seen and people who want to can donate.
Good luck, and well done on holding it together so far.

I want to start a go fund me page to raise money for my DS (5) to pay for a private ASD assessment. It’s £2000 which is more than we could ever afford.

I think it'd be worth you shopping around, as I'm sure you could get it cheaper than that.

Say £500 max for the initial consultation
£900 max for the assessment

I know because I have seen private consultants for similar stuff.

You can start a GoFundMe for anything, so worth a go. I don't know how successful most people's are though.

I'm not earning, I paid for it with my PIP. You could prioritize using some of his DLA to save for it for a while. It's not forever.

But I think/hope the NHS will eventually help you.

Things are rarely if ever caused by emotional trauma in the womb- mums tend to worry about that when probably it's unlikely.

Some things are somewhat hereditary, but also many are just bad luck. xxx