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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think why can’t I just get over this?

51 replies

user934621 · 06/09/2020 07:49

I was diagnosed and treated for cancer during the pandemic and although I don’t know if treatment has worked it looks like things are going in the right direction.
Why can’t I accept this, why do I constantly fear something is wrong, why am I so scared to go back to work, why am I living my life waiting for something else to go wrong.
When will I ever feel normal again? When does the constant worrying go away?

OP posts:
tearinyourhand · 06/09/2020 07:52

I'd imagine what you're feeling is very normal. You've had a huge shock, a very worrying health situation and a pandemic on top of that. A lot of people have gone to pieces just worrying about the virus, you've had something much more worrying to deal with.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not 'doing it wrong'. Flowers

dudsville · 06/09/2020 07:54

I think you need to hear from other folks who've been in your shoes. I haven't but I wanted to say it is very early days for an experience like you've had. That would understandably take some time to get used to, not just something one could shrug off. I hope you have some rl support, and I'm sure someone will be along here in a bit with rl experience.

Morgana7 · 06/09/2020 07:57

Could it be PTSD? I hope you feel better soon but you have been through something life changing and very traumatic xx

Dreamersandwishers · 06/09/2020 08:06

So sorry you had to deal with this during a pandemic. I am further along than you. Diagnosed 2 years ago, I am thankfully in remission. I definitely felt shell shocked after treatment finished. I was very run down both physically and mentally. What you feel is entirely normal but it is getting better for me ( now 1 year after they told me it was gone).
It helps to talk. If you have a local Maggie’s centre or other cancer support they can help. Physically , my go recommended vitamin supplements and that really turned things around for me. I also got back to exercise which makes me feel better.
It’s different for everyone but I was surprised at how very vulnerable it made me feel. And I won’t lie, any little thing can feel like a symptom of relapse, but I know that’s the mental aftershock rather than reality.
Be kind to yourself and your body. Hoping you feel better soon.💐

Original poster
user934621 · 06/09/2020 10:25

I understand it will take time to recover but how much time? It’s been 6 months since diagnosis, 3 months since I was treated, why don’t I feel better yet 😢

OP posts:
Alonetime · 06/09/2020 10:30

Sounds like a defence. What would it mean to accept it?

MandyGalbandi · 06/09/2020 10:51

My husband is 5 years in remission. I would say it was getting on for two years before he felt normal. The first year after treatment was a bad one, full of anxiety and health issues - catching everything going, aches and pains and worries that it was back, extreme fatigue etc. Then it was probably another year for him to get fully fit. He has stopped regular check ups now, but when he did have them the fear was always strong every time he had to go. He always seemed to develop a new symptom before his appointment and every one was scary waiting to see what they would say.
This year he had a health issue related to his cancer and it was frightening how quickly we were back in that zone. Thankfully it was ok but makes you realise how it never ever really goes away. It's a weird one. Having said all that, life is better in a lot of ways than before because he appreciates it more and makes the most of it. He is also fitter and stronger than he ever was because he takes care of himself more.
I think it's way too early for you to be feeling anything like you used to and it is totally normal for you to be feeling like you are.
My husband is in a facebook group for his cancer. He has found it really helpful to talk to people in the same boat. Id recommend you try and find something similar if you haven't already. Take care and fingers crossed for you Flowers

Chamomileteaplease · 06/09/2020 10:52

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Six months is no time at all.

Is there a support group you can get involved with. I second that talking to people who have been through a similar experience can be of tremendous help.

Best of luck to you.

Original poster
user934621 · 06/09/2020 11:10

Thank you everyone

I just feel so scared. Everything just feels so uncertain at the moment. My health, my job. Im scared of going back to work what if I can't cope. I need to be at my best as my company is facing redundancies and I'm already at a disadvantage with all the time off sick I have had.

OP posts:
Ginisatonic · 06/09/2020 11:21

You’re being very hard on yourself. It’s early days.
The current situation with Coronavirus and the possibility of redundancy must be making you feel worse.

Can you access some counselling? Support for some cancers is better than others. I had breast cancer and there was quite a lot of support I could access through my breast cancer nurse. I was already having counselling for unrelated issues and I did find having someone to talk to really helped.

Alonetime · 06/09/2020 11:22

Everything just feels so uncertain at the moment Flowers

Everything is so uncertain. Sometimes we feel we can create certainty (if I have a good job, if I eat vegan, if I lose weight...) but the covid situation has made this easier to see through for what it is.

welshgirl84 · 06/09/2020 14:28

Oh OP Flowers

Please don't be so hard on yourself you have been through a lot.
I think you really need to talk to someone about how your feeling like other posters have said. Have you spoken to your manager?

Didyeaye · 06/09/2020 14:35

Aww OP please be kind to yourself. That would be a horrible experience at any time and everything feels so much worse during the pandemic.

Flowers for you

MinistryOfTragic · 06/09/2020 14:40

Bless you OP. I was diagnosed and treated for cancer in 2018. I'm afraid that I still have fear. Every twinge, or unusual feeling I get in any part of my body triggers me to thinking mine has come back. I am technically stage four and in my mind I'm just waiting for a bad scan to rock my world again. Even if I had been told I was cancer free I think I would feel the same to a degree. I don't expect this fear to ever leave me even years down the road. I think perhaps you might benefit from some counselling. Speak to your cancer nurse and they can refer you. I had some myself and it taught me some techniques to diffuse my dark thoughts when I started to go down the rabbit hole. I wish you well. xxx

CazY777 · 06/09/2020 16:12

I'm nearly two years down the line OP, the fear is still there but it's much less than it was. I don't check myself obsessively anymore or think about it all the time, but I do still worry about any unusual aches and pains. I think it's the fact you can't do anything definitive to make sure it doesn't come back. I'm trying to be as healthy as I can, getting my weight down and running regularly, which also helps me feel less anxious, as well as taking tamoxifen, and that's all I can do really. Be kind to yourself, it may take some time to feel better. If you feel up to working maybe see if you can go back part time to begin with and see how you get on.

Original poster
user934621 · 06/09/2020 16:54

@MinistryOfTragic thanks I will speak to my cancer nurse about some counselling I think it will help.
@welshgirl84 I'm really scared about talking to my manager, she is new so I haven't worked with her, I don't want her to think I can't cope.
@CazY777 I'm the same every symptom I have I panic that something is wrong, I am trying to be more healthy with eating and exercising but just need to control the anxiety I have as thats probably affecting my health the most.

OP posts:
CazY777 · 06/09/2020 17:02

@user934621 I forgot to say I also started taking anti-depressants back when I was diagnosed. I still take them, as they also help me get to sleep and stop me lying awake worrying. I take mirtazapine as some others interfer with the effectiveness of the tamoxifen. It could be worth you talking to your gp about help with your anxiety.

Original poster
user934621 · 07/09/2020 18:17

@CazY777 I do need to speak to my GP about my anxiety, it takes someone really strong to ask for help and I'm not sure I am strong enough to ask.

OP posts:
CazY777 · 07/09/2020 18:52

@user934621 you are probably a lot stronger than you think you know. You've been through cancer treatment during a pandemic, did you have to go to all your appointments on your own because of covid restrictions? I had my DH holding my hand most of the time. Maybe just think of it as having a chat with your GP about how you are getting on, rather than asking for help.

Greeneyes78 · 07/09/2020 18:56

@CazY777 great suggestion about just having a chat

Original poster
user934621 · 07/09/2020 19:50

@CazY777 yeah I have gone to all my appointments alone which has been hard. I found out I had cancer alone, just had my surgeon with me no cancer nurse. That was hard. All my appointments are not in my local hospital they are in hospital 2-3 hours away and I dread each one incase I have bad news and have to face the journey home.

OP posts:
CazY777 · 07/09/2020 20:25

@user934621 you are definitely much stronger than you think then. Facing all that alone must have been so hard.

babydrip · 07/09/2020 20:27

Hello my love, i havent been active on here for a while now basically because my girls are not babies anymore.
Well my darling 1stly what an amazing brave young lady you are. I havent had cancer but have had the feelings you are experiencing (i apologise if some1 has already helped you i havent read all the responses) so anyway 6 yrs ago i had a bowel resection for a Meckel's diverticulum, the next day i was septic an back to theatre, the join was wonky an partially inside out, 2 cut a long story short i ended ul having a further 6 more resections with stay in itu in between, the end one i had an illiostomy to rest the bowel, i was transferred to the high dependency unit, an i felt so scared, as soon as i would eat or mobilise itd happen again or something wud go wrong, it was though i was waiting for it, that feeling appears to be the same or similar to yours, i remember whispering to my husband, he should take the children home and forget about me cause i was too "broken: iyswim, my mil actually hugged me with tears in her eyes (which is totally op to her norm behaviour) an said they all needed me, i was to get stronger and be with my girls no.matter what (the girls are my life, so u can understand how low i was) i was put on anti depresents an had counselling, i told them i was waiting for something to go wrong (my bloods were up the spout!) And i felt so guilty for being a burden to every1 etc...i didnt get over it in a day but i learnt to adapt and was giving coping mechanisms, unfortunately i am.still in an out if hospital an yes do have "woe is me.moments" but then i think about the girls and how i have to be ok for.them and my family (going thru a divorce atm cause delightful husband told me after a 7months admission he didnt love me any more an hadnt for 2yrs!) Sorry i digress but id feel guilty if i hadnt been able to hoover etc ...he doesnt understand the mal absorbtion etc....i jist wanted u to know i also have been the phase...:"u cant see the woods for the trees" and still do get it at times, find something in your life that u kn u cudnt live without etc and think, no matter what happens u have to be there for them etc...if u wana chat i dont mind my love...oh and also everyday think of something small that u want to do, even if its as simple as making a cuppa.. etc and each day make it slightly more iyswim, be kind to yourself, imagine if a close friend was going thru what u are....and think what you wud say 2 them to help, be kind to yourself u are an amazing person and "you" didnt give yourself "cancer" etc!! Can u talk to your Macmillian nurse darling she/he should be able to help.
I apologise for my v long waffling message!! Takw care my lovely xxxx

Existentialcrisis · 07/09/2020 20:27

Hiya just wanted to say that I totally understand your fear. I am 2 years on and things do get much better. It’s frustrating because you think that once the cancer is gone you should be ok and there is pressure to be happy that you are cancer free. In my experience the mind takes a while to catch up. My cancer diagnosis and the shitstorm that followed definitely gave me ptsd. I think you are probably suffering from this too. The gp and the hospital were not much help with this so I found other ways. I tried so many different things to help with the anxiety. I found a wonderful lady who helped me so much, she is a psychotherapist who specialises in cancer diagnosis’s. If you dm me I can give you her details. Lots of
Love to you xx

MrsToothyBitch · 07/09/2020 22:52

I haven't been through what you've been through but when I went through an awful time that upended my life, I was left with trauma and what would eventually be described as "grief akin to PTSD". Do you feel like you may be experiencing a similar process?

For me, I felt adrift and numb in some ways but acutely aware in others. It impacted my view of the world, my personality, my thoughts, feelings and mental processes and most of all my life choices for years after I supposedly moved on. It took awhile to "show up" initially and I would have "flare ups" which floored me- it was intrusive. Talking about it and confronting it helped. It was the only thing that did. Whatever course of action you choose, good luck!