To think why can’t I just get over this?

[user934621]

I was diagnosed and treated for cancer during the pandemic and although I don’t know if treatment has worked it looks like things are going in the right direction.
Why can’t I accept this, why do I constantly fear something is wrong, why am I so scared to go back to work, why am I living my life waiting for something else to go wrong.
When will I ever feel normal again? When does the constant worrying go away?

You can always talk to us, OP.

How are you feeling this minute? Can you write down your thoughts?

@DonnaQuixotedelaManchester

1. I’m scared the cancer has spread, I won’t know if my treatment has worked until December.
2. I feel that I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m quite lucky as the cancer I have is treated in a different way, I haven’t had to have chemo or radiation and it’s only if this treatment doesn’t work that I will need it.
3. I was told I had cancer the day we went into lockdown, I have three important appointments coming up in the next few months. I keep thinking that I will get bad news and we will go into lockdown again.
4. I worry about returning to work, a lot has changed. I’ve changed I’m a completely different person now to who I was when I went off sick.
5. I cut myself off from the world when I found out because of lockdown it was easy to do this. I haven’t told many people I have cancer and I probably won’t end up telling anyone else now. I can’t work out if it’s better to tell people so I can’t talk about how I feel or keep it to myself so I can go on with my life like it never happened.
6. I thought lockdown and the diagnosis was the hardest part and that by now I would be feeling so much better. This is turning out to be the hardest part 😢

It’s still very early days for you OP. I first had cancer over a decade ago, & waited for it to come back. It did come back but it was a different cancer, I’ve had it ever since. I think over the years I’ve exhausted myself with these thoughts to a point where I just accept this as just another part of my life as I’m sick of worrying. Macmillan & Cancer Research have very supportive online forums.

Hi OP - I’ve just logged on and seen your reply. my apologies for suggesting you do something and replying so late.

You have articulated everything very clearly and all of those points are incredible understandable. There is nothing there that I cannot imagine feeling myself in the same circumstances.

1. I’m scared the cancer has spread, I won’t know if my treatment has worked until December.

I can imagine that is a very real fear.

I would think-

• the doctors are on this now monitoring everything. They will have identified exactly what the cells were doing and the stage of progression they are at.

They have given me treatment that is precisely correct for where I am now and what I need and they are checking to see how things progress. When they notice things moving in a particular direction they will know exactly what the correct thing to do is.

I only have to think about where it is today as I know they are the experts.

1. I feel that I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m quite lucky as the cancer I have is treated in a different way, I haven’t had to have chemo or radiation and it’s only if this treatment doesn’t work that I will need it.

You feel the way you feel. It is your way of processing things, I think.

It isn’t actually your choice or under your control, is it? So, when you feel something you have to respond to that feeling - think it out, cry, dance, rage.

But since when have our feelings had to be rational? We do - and it is how we manage them that matters but they are like flavours - they are what they are. Don’t give them function and the agency that your reason needs.

1. I was told I had cancer the day we went into lockdown, I have three important appointments coming up in the next few months. I keep thinking that I will get bad news and we will go into lockdown again.

So, wtf? This is the stuff of life? How many times have you been put out for other people’s issues. Real stuff like this people are accommodating of. It is real. You don’t have to worry about appts but by all means if it takes your mind off of your health, great.

Aren’t you pretty amazing to be coping so well you can worry about appointments at this stage?

1. I worry about returning to work, a lot has changed. I’ve changed I’m a completely different person now to who I was when I went off sick.

Yes, this I can imagine is very difficult. Who are you now? But I think perhaps this is an abstract concern at a time when you have time to think and I don’t know f you will ever get a satisfactory answer. You are always changing, aren’t you? Every day we change a little bit you as you hasn’t fundamentally changed, just this intrusion in your life has thrown you. You will be you still but a bigger version of yourself but my instinct is to let those thoughts come without struggling for an answer and ground yourself in simple physical reality.

1. I cut myself off from the world when I found out because of lockdown it was easy to do this. I haven’t told many people I have cancer and I probably won’t end up telling anyone else now. I can’t work out if it’s better to tell people so I can’t talk about how I feel or keep it to myself so I can go on with my life like it never happened.

I had some tests last year and did the same thing - didn’t tell anyone, kept everything to myself. It is your choice, OP you did what you thought best at the time and the only people who would be bothered are those who love you. Take that day by day with those you love, you’ve told us. We won’t tell anyone.

1. I thought lockdown and the diagnosis was the hardest part and that by now I would be feeling so much better. This is turning out to be the hardest part 😢

You cope at each stage, I think. So you probably had some adrenaline kicking in when you first found out and now there is the inevitable slump. I think this is day by day, lots of gentle care, crying if you want, good food, gentleness to yourself.

You seem to be focusing on the externals- what you will say to others, work, etc. That maybe your way of coping.

You could right down some responses to questions so that your brain has had a chance to think things through.

You could look at making a new timetable for yourself for the first month back. If it was me I would be putting in weekly aromatherapy massages, facials, nice meals in restaurant stuff. This is the time to have gentle distractions that rest your body and can help you transition back to work.

I am no expert at all, OP so feel free to disregard this but I think your way of managing this is to try and stay in control of your world. So, do that - gently and you will find, I think that the emotions will do their thing.🌺🌺🌺

Write down!!!!! Not right!!

@DonnaQuixotedelaManchester

Thank you I really like the idea of doing a timetable of treats for when I'm back at work it will help me to have something to look forward too.
You're right I am focusing on the externals rather than thinking about how I feel inside.

😀

Cancer is an absolute mind fuck. Treat it like PTSD and give yourself every possible care.
I don’t think it is talked about enough. People talk about ‘the treatment’ without the faintest idea what a physical and mental toll it takes on the patient.

Take care, OP. Your feelings are totally normal and not to be dismissed. ❣️

Hi Op.
First of all well done for going to the GP and getting your diagnosis and subsequent treatment. You've dealt with all that brilliantly. Now you're facing going back to work which is always nerve wracking after dealing with illness. Take it one step at a time.
I'm not good at typing large responses in threads but believe me I sympathise with you. I was diagnosed with breast cancer during lockdown and have had surgery. I'm facing other treaments.
This is my second go at cancer.
Anyway I think you need to talk to someone at Macmillan. I found them very good at listening and giving advice.
You can always come on here and vent.

@derxa

I hope your treatment goes well

Thank you I will contact Macmillan.

How are you feeling today, OP?

Hi op I'm also 2 years after diagnosis and treatment. Mine was breast cancer and I found that the time after treatment was the hardest in some way as you've been on the merry go round of loads of hospital appointments. I went to see breast cancer haven and they were just what I needed after treatment. Would something like that be of use for you?

There's also a cancer group here which I found very useful.

In regards to work you'll get there don't worry about how you'll be.

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco

For me my treatment was quite easy and I feel very lucky, but the hardest part is not knowing if the treatment has worked, there is always doubt in my mind.
There isn't much support in my local area and the cancer I have is quite rare so not much support out there.
I guess there is support over the phone but sometimes I find it easier to talk in person than over the phone.
Its good to know that I will get there with work (and everything else I guess) I just need to learn to be patient.

@DonnaQuixotedelaManchester

I feel a bit better today thank you.
Had a rubbish nights sleep but having a chilled day. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight.

Tomorrow’s another day. What nice things do you have planned?

@DonnaQuixotedelaManchester

Think I will pop out tomorrow to town just for a walk around if the weather is good.

And?

If I had the day to myself I would...

See about getting my eyebrows down/nails /a pedicure

Go to a fancy brasserie/restaurant and have a really lovely lunch all on my own and go hell for leather on the dessert menu

Go to see a film on my own and throw popcorn at anyone who tries to sit next to me. Alternatively go to see a play and buy an expensive ticket.

Pop into a bar for a cocktail/aperitif afterwards

Walk somewhere beautiful as we have lovely summer evenings now

Go home, have a lovely bath and then watch something good on Netflix

In fact, I have done that many a day. If you are in London the Waldorf hotel on the strand has a lovely public bar for cocktails.

If I wasn’t in the mood for floating around the city pretending I was an actress, I would be digging out some disco and getting on down to Madonna. The woman grooves. She just does. I highly recommend a diet of good old disco to get the blood circulating. You could also do something very insensible like ice skating afterwards.

There my kind of days, OP. Or do some city exploring? Got a camera to take some pictures?

Oh, the things you can do in a day on your own.
But don’t tell anyone I said this. I have a reputation of being serious, spur and sensible. I’ve worked hard to cultivate that🤣

Dour, not spur!?

Glad to hear your feeling better today OP.

I hope that chatting to people on here is helping you get things off your chest.

How is your day out going, OP? will we hear about you in the news?

Shall I look out for a 'WOMAN STARTS SONGALONG ON HIGH STREET' headline in the national papers?!!

Hope your ok OP

I think with cancer the worry stays with you forever, but with time you start to think about it less and less. So at the moment you might be thinking about your illness constantly but over time that will slowly start to decrease and you will slowly start to rebuild your life again.
Just take life one day at a time.

So sorry to hear. Do you think maybe its because its easier to think the worst will happen? Incase it comes back? I dont no but my mum had cancer on and off for 10 years and in the end passed away and i always thought the worst.

I was thinking about this today actually, though in a completely different context. Sometimes when you go through something that's extremely difficult to cope with you have to force yourself not to acknowledge your feelings at the time, because it takes all your energy just to get through each day. You put all your focus on a point in the future where the external stress is gone, and how great it's going to feel when you finally get there, because you need something to hope for in the midst of it all. And then when you eventually do reach that point, what actually happens is that you start to process everything you've just been through, and where you expected to be blissfully happy you find yourself feeling quite low. And in some ways it's sort of worse, because even though you're not as acutely stressed, now there is no end point to look forward to, and all the good feelings you spent months awaiting patiently haven't materialised. In a situation like yours where you can never be certain that it's over there's often a type of psychological defence involved too, as though you're tempting fate by letting your guard down and being too happy - it takes time to convince yourself that you truly are safe.

I've never had cancer but I've been through this cycle before, and right now I'm in the low point of going through it again (for reasons unrelated to the first time). Last time I did eventually reach the point of feeling normal again, and even getting that rush of euphoria that I'd expected to come immediately, but it took months and months. As Existentialcrisis says, "the mind takes a while to catch up" - what a wonderful way of putting it. But you'll get there, I'm sure - we often underestimate our own resilience until something happens to prove it

In a situation like yours where you can never be certain that it's over there's often a type of psychological defence involved too, as though you're tempting fate by letting your guard down and being too happy - it takes time to convince yourself that you truly are safe. I know what you mean but it is not realistic to believe that in the case of BC 'you truly are safe'. You are only safe for now. You can only try to ease off on hyper vigilance. A tricky balance.

@psychomath

This just made me cry, it's so spot on I could have written it myself. It describes exactly how I feel.