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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lose all feelings for someone overnight?

79 replies

Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 00:24

Posting here for traffic mainly.

I've had a turbulent relantionship with my DH that has got progressively worse over the past year.

You know how they say, one day you will wake up and all your feelings will be gone. Well this week after he acted like an A hole and stormed out - its been 6 days since we spoke or saw eachother and not once in this time have I had any feelings at all towards the situation. Its like I hit my breaking point and I have no feelings left towards this marriage. Normally after rows I'll be very upset and anxious (he's very manipulative so loves a dose of the silent treatment) we own two properties so he will go to there and return once calmed down - but this time Ive just felt in my mind that I'm done with this for good now and aside from those thoughts I've had no other feelings at all. I've blocked him on all avenues of contact and I know he's been in touch with my mum and has tried to contact me. No doubt there will be a knock at the door in the next few days, which honestly I don't even want to answer.

I never thought you could wake up and lose all feeling but I guess you really can.

OP posts:
LambChopsMcGee · 06/09/2020 09:46

This happened with me too. A couple of years ago. I can't afford to move out and ex doesn't really accept it. He's angry I won't have sex with him and says it's all my fault. He's stopped drinking since I threw him out but I can't go back. It was years of shit and finally I'd had enough.

Shodan · 06/09/2020 09:50

I had this too- although for the life of me now, I can't remember the exact time or incident that triggered it.

I think XH thought that me stopping arguing back ('nagging') meant that he'd 'won' - but the reality was I had just stopped caring.

He was very shocked when I told him I wanted to separate-- in his mind we were better than ever because we weren't arguing any more.

Good luck with your brighter future!

greengreengrass14 · 06/09/2020 09:59

Please get hold of a locksmith and change the locks to the house you are living in RICHT NOW.

Then get Women's Aid on the line and take things step by step.

As previous poster has said this could be the most dangerous time.

Try to see it as a gift that you have no feelings for him anyone. The rational part of our brain is kicking in.

Monday tomorrow, solicitors will be open. Get hold of Rights of Woman and look at site. Start to reclaim your life.

If he comes round causing aggression phone 999 and get an incident number. Start a diary on this NOW

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 10:01

@greengreengrass14 I actually live abroad in his country. So I'm not sure how things work here will have to figure that all out.

OP posts:
AngryAF · 06/09/2020 10:10

I remember the point my feelings switched off from my ex. I was sat on our bed in July 2010 and I sat there and it all clicked - I didn't love him anymore, in fact I felt nothing.

He had been emotionally abusive too, and physically. I was spent and done.

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 10:15

Yes it is liberating. The only thing making me anxious is his behaviour now, it's almost been a week since he left here. And we haven't spoken yet, so I have no idea if he will turn up here and if so when... Do you think I should unblock him just so if he messages I will know where his mind is at, I won't respond. But incase he messages and is like I'm heading over - i can be prepared? Or just keep him blocked?

OP posts:
Tisahardlife · 06/09/2020 10:38

This happened to me too, my ex's behaviour kept on escalating and at the same time so did my resentment towards him. It was little thoughtless things piled one on top of the other; spending virtually no time with us as a family, instead doing his hobby; buying a chinese for one when he knew I hadn't eaten because I hadn't prepared our tea; trying to scupper my 1 hour a week 'off' parenting duty by claiming we had run out of milk so I would need to go to the shop for that instead of an hours walk with a couple of friends...

The list goes on, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when a relative died suddenly and I went to look after their child for the day whilst another relative was dealing with practicalities and my ex complained that he was left on his own looking after our children that day. I could not get over the pure selfishness of that situation and overnight any feelings I still had left for him ran cold.

It came as a big shock to him, but there was no way in the world we were coming back from that. He didn't accept it easily and threatened all sorts, but he's gone now and the relief was immense!

You'll get through this and come out smiling on the other side.

Draculahhh · 06/09/2020 10:51

I had this with my xp, I put up with years of physical and emotional abuse. One day I looked in the mirror at myself and I just thought why the hell am I wasting the best years of my life being miserable.

I call it my light bulb moment, in that one moment I was free and I felt nothing. Even when he found himself a new partner a week after I kicked him out, all I felt was relief.

LadyH846 · 06/09/2020 11:26

@Tisahardlife

This happened to me too, my ex's behaviour kept on escalating and at the same time so did my resentment towards him. It was little thoughtless things piled one on top of the other; spending virtually no time with us as a family, instead doing his hobby; buying a chinese for one when he knew I hadn't eaten because I hadn't prepared our tea; trying to scupper my 1 hour a week 'off' parenting duty by claiming we had run out of milk so I would need to go to the shop for that instead of an hours walk with a couple of friends...

The list goes on, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when a relative died suddenly and I went to look after their child for the day whilst another relative was dealing with practicalities and my ex complained that he was left on his own looking after our children that day. I could not get over the pure selfishness of that situation and overnight any feelings I still had left for him ran cold.

It came as a big shock to him, but there was no way in the world we were coming back from that. He didn't accept it easily and threatened all sorts, but he's gone now and the relief was immense!

You'll get through this and come out smiling on the other side.

Geez... He sounds extraordinarily selfish. Glad you are rid of him.
hadtojoin · 06/09/2020 11:26

A lot of people think a marriage is over when you are arguing and bickering all the time, and obviously that is true in many cases. But along with the arguments are often periods when you both make the effort and things can be great for a while. I belive that the real telling thing that proves it is all over is when you don't care anymore. There is no point in arguing because you realise that you don't care enough to try and fix things, or to be bothered about trying to put forward your feelings about the relationship or to worry about their feelings.
Your marriage is definately over for you, see a solicitor and look forward to a brighter future for yourself.

TatianaBis · 06/09/2020 11:53

It will be much easier to divorce if you both have different houses OP. That’s a big plus.

I wouldn’t unblock him. I would keep control of communication and only unblock him when you have something you need to say to him.

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 11:57

And what do I do if he turns up here and is banging down the door, just ignore it and ignore all calls? Do you think he will do that or he will do the nice approach first? I ask only because I'm trying to prepare myself for what's to come once the realisation sinks in on his part. And I am quite anxious as he had a bad temper and I'm in his country with no family and friends here. Just one person I have contact info for that I can call if I need help. An old guy family friend who would rush to help me if needs be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 11:59

Sorry he's not old.. But I mean a distant family friend who is my age (30s) who always says if I ever need anything to call him.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 06/09/2020 12:02

Being abroad makes it trickier. It largely depends on how seriously they take domestic abuse. In the U.K. if he turned up banging on the door, you’d just call the police. But other countries don’t take that stuff so seriously.

Who owns the houses?Can you come back to the U.K?

Regarding communication. I would just state in a email that you have decided the marriage is over and you want a divorce. That there is no point discussing it as your mind is made up. That if he comes to the house you won’t speak to him. And that he will hear in due course from your solicitor.

TatianaBis · 06/09/2020 12:03

Sounds like you might need the help of family friend.

AlexanderHalexander · 06/09/2020 12:08

What country is it?
Are we talking Northern European, or United Arab Emirates? That will really depend on your plan.

If you are somewhere where he has the most power, I'd reconcile with him, say you are sorry you are just missing your family, make plans to come back to the UK for a holiday and once you are on UK soil flee with your children to your mums.

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 12:14

We don't have any children together thank goodness. Not Arab Emirates but a country where i doubt they take these things seriously. He is extremely jealous and if I include family friend he will lose it but if he turns up here aggressive trying to kick the door in I may have to call the guy to come and help. He only lives 5 minutes away so could quickly come and help out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 12:14

All borders are currently shut here due to the virus so I wouldn't be able to leave currently.

OP posts:
AlexanderHalexander · 06/09/2020 12:40

OP if you dont have children with him, change the locks, get a divource an rebuild your life. As soon as the borders open, go!

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 13:30

I'm feeling sick with nerves today about him suddenly showing up. Like a gut instinct.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 14:44

Hand hold please

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 06/09/2020 14:57

Hand hold from me. Are you safe?

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 15:14

I'm our house. I've bolted the downstairs metal door. He has the key but I've use the slide across bolt from the inside so he won't be able to open the door. I don't think he would come and try to kick it down but then who knows right. People do crazy things when they are being split up with and it isn't what they want.

OP posts:
ChangeThePassword · 06/09/2020 15:20

Had he been violent op? Do you have reason to be fearful?

Is there anyone you can ask to be with you?

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 06/09/2020 15:35

There isn't I don't really have any friends here. He hasn't been violent but he has an ugly temper.

OP posts:
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