To lose all feelings for someone overnight?

[Livelifejoyful]

Posting here for traffic mainly.

I've had a turbulent relantionship with my DH that has got progressively worse over the past year.

You know how they say, one day you will wake up and all your feelings will be gone. Well this week after he acted like an A hole and stormed out - its been 6 days since we spoke or saw eachother and not once in this time have I had any feelings at all towards the situation. Its like I hit my breaking point and I have no feelings left towards this marriage. Normally after rows I'll be very upset and anxious (he's very manipulative so loves a dose of the silent treatment) we own two properties so he will go to there and return once calmed down - but this time Ive just felt in my mind that I'm done with this for good now and aside from those thoughts I've had no other feelings at all. I've blocked him on all avenues of contact and I know he's been in touch with my mum and has tried to contact me. No doubt there will be a knock at the door in the next few days, which honestly I don't even want to answer.

I never thought you could wake up and lose all feeling but I guess you really can.

I had a similar experience a few years back with an ex-fiancé. I’d spent years trying to work with his behaviour, hoping I could convince him to change and become a committed family man. It was really weird but just exactly how you describe when I woke up one day and felt nothing.

I guess it’s just the years of all the little ways you’re let down that wear you down and you don’t notice how close you are to that ‘tipping point’. It was incredibly liberating and meant that I could walk away with a very clear head without looking back.

Good luck OP, I’m excited for you because the future is very bright!

Everyone has their breaking point. You have hit yours is all. It will hurt for a while but don't stay with him out of fear of feeling that hurt. It passes but an asshole is an asshole for life.

The best of luck for your new happy and free future

Same thing happened to me, 3 weeks after my dad died I suddenly realised I should be putting up with being treated like I was so I ended it. He was having an affair any way so wouldnt have lasted much longer but it was a light bulb moment.

But you didn’t lose feelings overnight. He’s slowly eroded them by being a colossal prick. You’ve just realised who he is and that you don’t want to waste anymore of your life on him.

I’m so sorry OP, what a horrible and stressful experience.

But I am also so happy for you, because your resolve to rid yourself of this bastard is so clear and strong, and you’re going to be free from the prick and that is wonderful.

@Poppyisa

This can absolutely happen, it doesn’t surprise me at all that you’ve reached this point.

Same thing happened to me with my ex. He was an arsehole of a husband, and a belligerent bully, who wore me down. One day I woke up, and made appts to look at flats, put a deposit down, and moved out of home, all within a week.

Looking back, I realized I had tried everything to make my marriage work, but that I couldn’t change him. I didn’t cry once after I left, I’d done all my crying and grieving when I was still in the marriage.

Good luck to you, I hope you can move on without incident. Please be very careful.

Very similiar to Poppy. I didn't cry and thought I was over him.

However, my ex pulled out all the stops and then a whole new level of abuse and I didn't know he was capable of --trying to get me sectioned etc and took it to a whole new level. Accidentally I pulled up an email file from 5 years ago and yes I reread some of them.
His were so cold and clinical. Demanding the return to the house -getting me to sign a contract saying if he shut the door I must not go in -eg kitchen eg and then emails demanding I needed to go to GP as I had mental health issues (I didn't -there was a 7 page report for the court showing I had no mental health issues at all -apart from a normal response to abuse -so it some what back fired) . Demanding he came with me to the GP to check on my MH etc - the GP wrote a letter later for court saying in the appointment he was concerned with my exes MH and not mine and my ex was "gaslighting" in the appointment. I had just had a baby -he repeatedly told me "not to worry that PND was causing this behaviour from me and we would sort it". They can really up their game when they know you are pulling away and leaving. So please, be careful. If you can agree to have a house each for the moment -see if you can change the locks and stay safe.

Yep, it happens.

When it happened to me, it took me from the May to the February to get away. I told the kids that it might be happening, but I didn't tell him till I had the keys to a house. He was bamboozled. Couldn't understand it at all, but our relationship has been bad for a number of years and one day I just stopped caring. Best thing I did was to leave.

Good luck op. This is the start of a new phase, and it might be hard at times but it will be worth it.

Sounds like you've hit breaking point. Stay strong and get yourself away from him.

I had the same feeling after my last row with XP. What a wonderful feeling of clarity. I’d taken him back so many times, against my better judgement, mainly because he could always make me feel sorry for him. Suddenly it didn’t work any more. I simply refused to see him, and got my life back.

You have more to do, to untangle your finances etc and end the marriage. But please don’t lose sight of the future. When I’d finally broken away from XP, I could hardly believe how easy it was emotionally.

You’re very clear in your mind right now, OP, so use this to help you break away for good. Keep this thread to remind you if he starts slithering back into your affections!

I have had a similar thing happen, been with Dh 15 years and his behaviour and laziness has just got worse and worse. Started having random hotel nights for work although wfh and going off in the middle of the night. He’s now asked for a trial separation because I’m not swinging from the chandeliers every night because I’m tired from being a house maid.

Moves out next week actually can’t wait.

We’re all human and we all have limits of what our love will allow us to tolerate and I’m glad you’ve reached yours and are getting out xx

Yes it happened to me. I think the love had gone (if it ever existed) but then the fear went. I honestly didn't care what he said or did I just knew I didn't ever want to see him again. I did see him once more 6 months later and he still tried to pull the same shit. I remember puffing out my cheeks and sighing.

I applaud you. If you are in a position to end it, do it. No going back or... you’ll have the same thing over and over, over many years.

@LivelifejoyfulHave you read “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and Nan Silver? The author writes about how he predicts divorce; he does so by observing the presence of what he refers to as “the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse”. The final one is stonewalling where one partner completely tunes out.

Sounds like you may have reached that stage.

why tell me why did you not treat me right. Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight....

Yes absolutely- this happened to me.

I tried, I out everything in, I was ground down. And then one day that was it. I remember exactly the moment I detached completely- that was it. I was done.

We had dc so things to negotiate but I never argued or discussed anything again. There was no need and no point.

Congratulations op! Good new times are ahead of you.

@piglet89 he has been stonewalling me for years. He does this because he can only see himself as right and I should listen and cave into all his wants and demands and if I don't he will give me the silent treatment to try and put me in my place. To make me give in to what he wants. Ridiculous immature behaviour. Who can live like that??

Thank you for all your replies, your support means so much to me ladies!

I have a long road ahead, and currently I am sure he doesn't believe that I'm serious and thinks this will all blow over. So when thst reality sinks in, we will see how he behaves.... I really hope he doesn't turn nasty.

Yep normally stonewalling is final nail in the coffin.

Congratulations OP on feeling this way and being able to move on. This is the first day of the rest of your life! Please stay strong and don’t let him manipulate you into taking him back. Keep this thread and read it as a reminder. And see a solicitor asap.

Another day I've woken up and still nothing, no feelings. How strange but great!

Of he's anything like my ex, he won't go straight to nasty.

Mine would be all nice, saying that he misses me, that he doesn't understand where he went wrong, asking to meet up. But within five minutes, when he realised I wasn't playing his game, it would change to me being the biggest bitch he's ever known and that the kids are scared of me. Apparently that's the only reason they chose to move in with me rather than stay with him 😂.

So be aware he may well try to pull crap like that. Just try not to engage with it.

OP you could usefully read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He do That?" to further enlighten and prepare yourself.

Try not to be alone with him on your home,even if that means changing the locks. You aren't rendering him homeless as there is a second property.

It doesn't matter who wants and doesn't want divorce. The key fact is that both partners must want to stay married, and you now don't. There's nothing to be said about that.

If he insists he loves you, the big question is how would you know that? Words don't count; actions do. What has his behaviour been saying? It's OK to tell him that you hear what he says but you know the truth from his actions. Someone who loved you would not do this things. You are entitled to weigh his words against his actions and make your own judgement. In fact you owe it to yourself to do this.

It can help to divide a piece of paper into two columns and list the things he does to make you feel cherished, loved and valued in one column and the things he does to make you feel ignored, unloved and worthless in the other.

You 100% get to decide whether it's worth it. Stay strong and get your paperwork sorted. Look carefully at all your bank accounts, especially joint ones, and consider whether he has access to your earnings and other income or could run up credit card debts or take out loans in joint names. Desperate men will do this to trap you with debt.

One day you reach your limit and your love dies. It can be over something fairly innocuous.

Two children of our family live with me because of their dm's behaviour. We had years of absolute hell with the drinking, stumbling in at 4 am, being unable/incapable to care for the children. Pregnant 3x with unknown dads, except one violent thug who made our lives a living hell. Abandoned one age 18 months.

Settled for a few years with her Dh, but not the life for her after another child. Cue out drinking again until 5 am, meeting random men, going away for the weekend leaving kids with her ex and us.

During lockdown she fell out with our dd2 because she called her out on her appalling behaviour. She decided to cut us, dd2 and her dh out of her life. Whilst dd2 terribly upset, for us it was the end of the line. DD2 told us she has destroyed our lives and it is true.

Whilst difficult within the family, I want to keep my peace. No demands for money, no demands for my personal possessions to be handed over.

Sorry for the pp who have also posted awful stories. I might sound cold hearted, but there is only so much anyone can take. I understand you completely op. Please do not go back.

Yes, I’ve been there.. I think a part of it is self preservation. Emotionally you can’t keep putting yourself through this rollercoaster and it’s not healthy, so I think it comes to a point where you’re just numb to it. Your mind and body is tired of the situation and you withdraw.

He will be shocked, my husband was and by the time this had happened there was no going back for me. The line had been drawn, there were things I couldn’t get past, behaviours, situations, silent treatment (which is so so difficult to live with long term).

I wish you all the best.. x

It’s not overnight, although it may feel like that - your feelings for him have been eroding for a long time - altho may not have been consciously aware of it.

Straw had been building up for a long time, and this was literally the last straw that broke the camel’s back.