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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want more sex?

31 replies

Olderdp · 05/09/2020 22:22

That's it, in a nutshell.

I am 48. DP is 68. We have been together 5 years, but good friends for 5 years before that.

I was in a celibate marriage, so hadn't had sex for over 10 years when we got together (after my divorce). So I am a bit keen.

DP is also very keen, but the normal frequency is once a week, or possibly once every 4-5 days not that I'm counting

We don't live together as I have teenage DC at home and we both think their lives need to remain as stable as possible with me. Plus he also has his own carry-on, as do I.

However, I would ideally like to shag every day. AIBU?

Obviously, I haven't broached this with him as the very last thing I would want is for him to feel pressurised into having sex when he doesn't feel like it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2020 22:26

You had a celibate marriage, you want sex every other day and you chose a man 20 years older than you?

floppybit · 05/09/2020 22:30

He's nearly 70, I think he's doing very well and daily might be a bit much!

Lovelivelaughcry · 05/09/2020 22:30

How often do you see one another if you don't live together?

ShalomToYouJackie · 05/09/2020 22:31

I think YABU to expect to have sex every day, especially if you don't live together!

KatDubs261 · 05/09/2020 22:33

Yep I dont mean to be rude OP, but as PP said sex is important to you but you've chosen a much older man whose libido will have slowed way down.

Yes AIBU to want to shag every day. Is there more he could for you in between times?

raspberryk · 05/09/2020 22:33

How are you expecting a nearly 70 yo man you don't live with to have sex with you every day? He's doing well to manage weekly or every 4/5 days.
Try someone 10 years younger and you might manage every other day ... if you live together.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2020 22:35

But you don’t live together? How do you imagine it working logistically?

MobLife · 05/09/2020 22:36

YANBU to want to shag every day.....YABU to want to shag a pensioner every day

Zerrin13 · 05/09/2020 22:38

Bonking everyday when a man is almost 70 sounds unlikely. Why start a relationship with a man 20 years your senior if lots of sex is a requisite? His days of swinging from the chandeliers are long gone.

Original poster
Olderdp · 05/09/2020 22:39

Ok. I needed to hear this,. You are all completely right. I just lose the plot a bit sometimes.

@Lovelivelaughcry We see each other every day. We live within a long walk of one another.

@MrsTerryPratchett The thing is... I didn't choose him. We were friends for a very long time before anything happened. I would have chosen someone very different! But feelings are feelings...

OP posts:
creamorwhite · 05/09/2020 22:42

@MobLife you make it sound as if she wants to shag a different pensioner every day of the week!

Original poster
Olderdp · 05/09/2020 22:44

@AnneLovesGilbert

But you don’t live together? How do you imagine it working logistically?
Anne (lovely username, btw): it works logistically because we are a short walk from one another, and run a business together. Slightly unusual, but true! My DC's father abused them, so they need me to be their anchor without anyone else moving in on them. My relationship with DP (who has his own adult DC) doesn't involve him taking on a quasi stepfather role.

I'm a bit reassured by those who think someone who's nearly 70 might not fancy a daily shag. I thought I was "frigid" when I was married, because I didn't want XH anywhere near me. Now I realise that he was the problem, not my sex drive.

As I say, though, I wouldn't dream of bringing this up with DP, because the very last thing I want is for him to feel that sex is a chore or a performance. If he couldn't do it, I would rather hold his hand than have sex with anyone else, ever again. I love him to bits. I was just wondering if I was BU to want more sex, and am very happy to be handed my arse in return!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2020 22:49

I was just wondering if I was BU to want more sex, and am very happy to be handed my arse in return!

You don't need your arse handed to you. And it's VERY common to leave a marriage where you assumed there was something wrong with you and realise it wasn't you but them!

Vibrator?

Original poster
Olderdp · 05/09/2020 23:02

MrsTP, XH abused our children, so there was no way he was coming anywhere near me.

I do have a good vibrator, which I use regularly so as not to pester DP. I am more than aware of endless threads on MN which advise men to "sort themselves out" (not an unreasonable suggestion) if their partners are less keen. It always seems to be men who are keener than women, though...

OP posts:
Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 23:06

DP and I have sex most days, he’s 43 though, I can imagine it’ll dwindle over the next 20 years Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2020 23:07

XH abused our children, so there was no way he was coming anywhere near me.

Flowers
PermanentTemporary · 05/09/2020 23:08

Would he/you be interested in a polyamorous setup?

imissthesouth · 05/09/2020 23:11

YANBU but he is nearly 70, i'd imagine he has much less desire and energy unfortunately.

MobLife · 05/09/2020 23:18

@creamorwhite on reflection it doesn't quite read the way it should 😆

overnightangel · 05/09/2020 23:19

“ The thing is... I didn't choose him“

Oh ffs take responsibility for your life

Original poster
Olderdp · 05/09/2020 23:30

Goodness, Overnight. I do take responsibility for the fact that I protected my children from their father, and that part of this was (for me) not moving another man into their safe home with me. I also take responsibility for the fact that I am having a sexual relationship with a man I love to bits, and who isn't an abusive arse. I'd just like a bit more sex!

Thank you, MrsTP.

imissthesouth, that is what I was wondering. If that's the case, I can live with it perfectly happily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderdp · 05/09/2020 23:32

@PermanentTemporary

Would he/you be interested in a polyamorous setup?
Eek. No! Sex is, for me, all to do with love and monogamy (though this is not a judgement on anyone who thinks differently).
OP posts:
Ullupullu · 05/09/2020 23:43

OP I think @overnightangel just means that rather than saying "feelings is feelings" you could stop and consider that if you want sex every day, you need to find someone nearer your own age, not pushing 70. You are in charge of your destiny, you decide what your priorities are. If your thread title isn't the be all and end all then you're fine then?

UndertheCedartree · 05/09/2020 23:50

To be fair, I'm sure OP didn't 'choose someone 20 years older while requiring daily sex'. I would imagine it more that she started seeing her DP - enjoyed having sex with him so much she would like to do it daily!

caringcarer · 06/09/2020 00:11

As he goes into his 70's he may want less sex than you have now. He is doing well for 69.

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