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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

56 replies

Babysharksmom · 05/09/2020 16:28

Have ncd for this as my mil is on here.

Ds2 is 2 today. Myself and P are both from large families. While everyone on my side remembered to text, phone send cards and gifts. None of my partners family has even text to wish our son a happy birthday
I'm hurt for my son

What is everyone's views
Am I unreasonable to think that you could remember your grandson or nephew?

Or does anyone give a shit anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Babysharksmom · 05/09/2020 17:01

That's exactly it. From now on they can scratch if they expect anything from me

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 17:02

@in2dagroove

It all depends on how your family relationships work . Do P family remember other children's birthdays in the family and your DS is the only one they have all forgotten? If so I would be asking myself why is that? Did they all get a gentle reminder? Some families need it especially if there are lots of birthdays to remember all year round
What is a 'gentle' reminder?

Adults are capable of keeping birthday lists/diaries of family, if they care.

Alonelonelyloner · 05/09/2020 17:10

IMO you are overthinking it. Unless there's something serious going on which underscores that they treat you and your son badly, it's a birthday. He's only been around for 2 years! They may just be late. It happens. Don't feel sad for your son save your energy for the more serious stuff.

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 17:12

[quote Babysharksmom]@Leaannb not sure what you are getting at

Are we close? So does that mean if you are close to your grandchild you send a text if not then fuck them??[/quote]
Yeah pretty much. Just like with any family member. If I am close emotionally to a person I remember their important dates. If not no extra thougjt given. Just because you share DNA does not automatically mean you are close and have a relationship with them

Leaannb · 05/09/2020 17:14

@Nanny0gg...Oh bullshit. Grandparents are humans too and they have a lot of shit going to. People forget important dates all the time due to things going on in their world. Grandparents are human too

Original poster
Babysharksmom · 05/09/2020 17:15

@Leaannb

Pretty sure actually I know my sons grandparents think more of him than he's just a link in the dna chain.

Thanks for your input though

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 17:18

Some families are not bothered about birthdays. The second birthday is the most non-event to me. The child has no clue what is going on. By three they get it.

In DH's family they don't do birthdays really. If we invite them round to celebrate a child's birthday they will bring a card and present. They might send a card if not coming to see us, they might not.

That doesn't bother me because I know they care about the children, they just don't care for a particular custom.

Is your actual concern that they don't care much about your two year old? Large families, lots of older kids around, new one barely registers perhaps?

RoseTintedAtuin · 05/09/2020 17:33

They may have just forgot on the day. At 2 it’s not really going to be something he remembers them missing so it is actually more about how you feel. I don’t think your unreasonable to notice and to be a bit put out but I do think it is just one of those things that can happen when people live very different lives. Is it too much to ask? No. Is it likely it slipped their mind with everything else going on? Yes. I wouldn’t be quick to judge based on one missed phone all tbh

Whostolemychocolate · 05/09/2020 17:59

What does your partner say about it ?

Original poster
Babysharksmom · 05/09/2020 18:03

@Whostolemychocolate hes embarrassed

Not that he has anything to be embarrassed about

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 18:29

Didn't he twig when nobody asked what the child might want for a present?

In a large family the toddler might not be top if everyone's mind particularly at a time when older children are going back to school, struggling with the exams fiasco, covid worries etc. It is usually smart to notice the impending mistake and intervene to save everyone's blushes.

There has to be backstory here with his side of the family for them ALL to not send greetings and for you to take that as a personal sleight rather than just their family's way.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/09/2020 18:34

Have you forgotten their dogs sisters cousins birthday?

I cant think why they wouldn't just text or moonpig?

Original poster
Babysharksmom · 05/09/2020 18:37

It is usually smart to notice the impending mistake and intervene to save everyone's blushes.

@TorkTorkBam what are you smoking darling

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2020 18:43

Some families just don't do birthdays. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Certainly nothing to get upset about, unless it's deliberately only your dss missed.

Ex dh family don't 'do' Christmas. As in no tree, no cards, no big dinner, no presents. At first I was shocked. And then I realised, they 'do' Christmas better than my family. For, they all want to be there, just together enjoying time as a family. No stressing about whether the carrots are perfectly cooked. No whinging about who spent what on who. It's better.

FlorenceNightshade · 05/09/2020 18:43

@TorkTorkBam the OP shouldn’t have to remind her DCs family to remember their birthday! Even if your a family that “doesn’t do” birthdays.

They are being twats

Gurtcha · 05/09/2020 18:47

We have a very similar situation here OP so I get it. It’s hurtful and I dread the day DCs realise that their GPs are meant to be interested and want to wish them a happy birthday.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2020 18:48

@Babysharksmom

That's exactly it. From now on they can scratch if they expect anything from me
That's the thing though. If they don't do birthdays, they'll neither notice nor care.

I don't do cards. Whenever I'm (finally) scratched off someone's list, I always think 'thank fuck for that' now I don't need to find a place for it, nor feel guilty for not sending one back.

DurhamDurham · 05/09/2020 18:49

If there's no backstory and no big fall out then I agree it's awful that they haven't even bothered to call or text.
As a grandma myself I cannot imagine forgetting my granddaughter's birthday. She was two in June and as a family we all spent time and care choosing gifts, cards and a cake. The birthday party was put on hold due to lockdown but we all made it a special day for her and her parents.

TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 18:49

This feels like it must be the final straw for it to be so upsetting.

The whole family not doing a card would normally make you think that their family does not do cards rather than make you think they are all bastards. Except if there is backstory.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/09/2020 18:50

I can understand why you are hurt. I think it’s possible they didn’t realise what date it is. It’s hard to know what day of the week it is and easy to think you have another week to go or such.

If they are generally loving grandparents I would assume it’s an oversight. I would be hurt but easily let it go if that was the case. If they seem like they genuinely don’t give a shit then I would keep them at arms length.

Lipz · 05/09/2020 18:55

That's crap. Wonder have they forgotten. I've remembered birthdays right up till the night before and then forget it during my sleepBlushBlush still crappy though, hopefully they remember before the day is out.

june2007 · 05/09/2020 19:53

Shocker I forgot to send a card to my niece. I did remember later but it would have arrived late so obvious that i had forgotton so didn,t send. Does that mean I don,t care about my niece. No ofcourse not. But cards aren,t the be all and end all.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 05/09/2020 20:29

I am totally expecting this from my DHs family. They forget his birthday or if they remember dont call, message or even send a card so I can imagine it will be the same for our son in 8 weeks.

Whostolemychocolate · 06/09/2020 08:09

Did they remember by the end of the day? Did your Partner say anything ?

Original poster
Babysharksmom · 06/09/2020 10:13

No nothing! We spoke about it. He doesn't really understand. But we have both decided to take a step back in relation to other children's birthdays.

OP posts:
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