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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is I don’t know what my plans are yet the same as I’ll wait and see if I get a better offer

32 replies

Newpuppymummy · 05/09/2020 13:22

Invited a friend down for a weekend. Her response was she wasn’t sure what she was doing yet? Am I unreasonable to think this just means she’s waiting to see if she gets a better offer?

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 05/09/2020 13:24

If i say that to people it is because i can't make snap 'yes sure i will do it' decisions i need to work up to them, sounds silly i know but there is no conspiracy behind it

Mothersruin123 · 05/09/2020 13:27

Arggghhhh my sister does this all the time! It's so annoying isn't it? She claims she really means that she needs to run it past my BIL to see what he's up to, but really I think she doesn't want to commit in case something better comes up. Amusingly she sometimes forgets that she didn't agree to a plan and is then cross when I've arranged something else instead!

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 13:32

I'd tell her not to worry then. You'll find something better else to do

yearinyearout · 05/09/2020 13:42

Yes and it's annoying. We have friends who will often say "are you out Friday night?" I might reply that we hadn't planned anything so would they like to make arrangements...then she says "well I'm not sure what we are up to yet, let me know if you're in town and we can meet up". It's so infuriating, they obviously don't want to commit to anything in case they A. Get a better offer or B. Want to wait and see if they feel like going out

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/09/2020 13:46

Yep, this is exactly what it means and it really pisses me off. Also when a friend has been dating someone a matter of weeks and says ‘I’ll have to see what we’re doing’ in response to an invitation. There isn’t a ‘we’ yet!

BIRDSbirds · 05/09/2020 13:51

Oh dear I say this - I hadnt thought it was annoying! For me it just means I dont want to write a long explanation for example about how I might be seeing my mum but shes waiting to see what day a guy is available on to do some work on her house so we haven't firmed up on plans, or I cant remember if husband had said we were supposed to be seeing some of his friends this week or next. For me it just means I'd like to see you but I already have some vague commitments that I cant be bothered to explain that I'll have to come back to you on. Hmm. Maybe I will need to reword in future!

FizzyPink · 05/09/2020 13:53

Oh god this is the worst! I have friends like this. You invite them to a BBQ/birthday party long in advance and they say “oh that sounds great if I don’t have any other plans”

This is a plan ffs!! It’s so bloody rude

LtJudyHopps · 05/09/2020 13:59

I’m terrible for making plans and forgetting them. So for me it means I have to sit and rack my brains and make sure I’m not double booked! Or it could be I have loose plans so need to check if they’re still happening. It doesn’t always means waiting for better offers.

pregnantncnc · 05/09/2020 14:02

Ah, I say this! It definitely doesn't mean that I'm waiting for a better offer (can't speak for your friend though).

I need to triple check my calendar, ask DH in case he has invited family/friends over and forgotten to tell me again, probably chase up my dad or other member of my family to see which day they've decided they're free to do x-y-z, aaaand make sure I haven't already overwhelmed myself with social commitments/have a shitload of household stuff to do that week that my anxiety is going to be sky high and I'll end up cancelling at the last minute which is obviously worse than not being entirely committed up front.

SusanneLinder · 05/09/2020 14:02

I am also terrible for remembering plans. I also have a DH with ADHD who makes plans and forgets to tell me so then we double book. That's why I always check things. Definitely not waiting for a better offer...

SunnyCoco · 05/09/2020 14:07

Ugh yes it is such a horrible phrase to hear in response to an invitation :(

YummyJamDoughnut · 05/09/2020 14:08

Depends.
I have bad anxiety so this is my go to response. I never know if I will actually be able to do something until I think about the practicalities- eg if someone said to me tomorrow, do you want to go to an event at x venue on Friday night, I would have to google map the venue, the journey, know exactly where I am going and what for etc.
A weekend away would need some serious researching and planning, for me.
Mind you, someone close enough to invite me for a weekend would know that anyway, so I doubt this applies.

SunnyCoco · 05/09/2020 14:08

Maybe it would be better to say I just need to check the calendar

Original poster
Newpuppymummy · 05/09/2020 14:20

She’s single so no partner to check with. I’m going to tell her to let me know by the 14th

OP posts:
StraffeHendrik · 05/09/2020 14:40

Depends how far in the future it is. Eg planning to meet up for an afternoon in July 3 months in advance- I might still want to book a holiday then etc.

I think the general idea is that you book things far in advance if they are special (wedding , holiday etc) or hard to coordinate and fill in the smaller pieces of the jigsaw (day trip etc) later. If people try to book 'small pieces' ages in advance the system goes wrong !

TheHappyHerbivore · 05/09/2020 15:00

I say that if I don’t know on the spot - maybe I have something in the diary I’ve forgotten, maybe I’m busy the three weekends before and will need a quiet one, maybe I’m waiting for someone else to confirm their plans to me. It’s not necessarily rude.

Pipandmum · 05/09/2020 15:16

I hate: 'I'll let you know on the day'. No, as I'll have made other plans.
I also can't stand it when people cancel last minute. I host two dinner parties a year for about 10-12. Inevitably, three people will cancel the morning of and the excuses are pretty poor 'I'm feeling a bit under the weather', ' I've been busy shopping all day', 'my husband wants us to have dinner at home'. Unless my child is in the hospital or I'm at deaths door, a commitment is just that and I show up. If you don't care enough to hoist yourself off the sofa, don't say you'll come in the first place.

TorgosPizza · 05/09/2020 15:28

It could be, but it could also be that she wants to wait until it's closer to the date to see how she's feeling or if obligations or complications are likely to interfere. If she has any type of anxiety, that might be the problem.

I do agree, though, that if someone always does that despite leading a relatively simple life with no anxiety that you know of, it could be frustrating. Giving her a "confirm by" date sounds like a good compromise.

ChicCroissant · 05/09/2020 15:33

Sometimes it does mean that OP, but not always - could mean that they don't want to come but are thinking of a tactful way to say that, or that they don't want to plan that far in advance.

Or they could have other things to work around - she may have things that she does at the weekend or other people to meet up with. Being single doesn't mean she's freely available 24/7!

Trisolaris · 05/09/2020 15:39

Yes I hate this.

If I’m not sure because of dp I say ‘let me just check with dp’. If there is uncertainty because other plans haven’t been confirmed I will say something like I’d love to but I might need to do XYZ which hasn’t been confirmed - is it ok if I let you know next week? Don’t want to leave you hanging though so if it’s a pain we can do another day?

To me it’s just rude then if others think it’s ok to leave me hanging and I’m perfectly happy making other plans instead if they haven’t confirmed!

Mellonsprite · 05/09/2020 15:43

It means you aren’t important enough to commit to. Quite rude IMO.

Plussizejumpsuit · 05/09/2020 16:25

Most of the time I think this is the case. However if it is an invite which needs childcare that's different. It's quite rude anyway and I'd think it's more polite to say I need to check if dh/dw can have the kids or whoever else of its a couple invite.

Squirrelblanket · 05/09/2020 16:47

I say this and it's nothing to do with 'waiting for a better offer'. It simply means I can't commit to a date on the spot and I'll come back to you once I've checked if I'm free. I think you are being hugely over sensitive. 🤷‍♀️

MitziK · 05/09/2020 16:51

It means 'I don't want to, but I don't want to offend you by saying that'.

User24689 · 05/09/2020 16:53

I say this often to a friend of mine who wants to meet up very regularly and book me up in advance and I often just really dont feel like it/ know my DH won't feel like it as I like downtime on the weekends but can't say that. If I say I have 'plans' she always asks what we are up to and I end up feeling backed into a corner. I think it's reasonable to not want to make a plan on the spot tbh. Do you ask her to meet up often?