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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up - need suggestions

51 replies

Shell23 · 05/09/2020 12:08

I live with dp and his parents. Were due our first baby very soon. Maybe I'm being very caution since I'm a ftm, but I'm constantly getting stressed about our living situation. Not only is nothing set up for the baby yet, the house has a major rat and fly problem. The rats keep us up at night they are so loud and so many. They come out into the house from the walls at night, chew threw things, eat our food and leave droppings everywhere. Just to make matters worse were pretty sure ones died as now we have an infestation of flies. These flies are horrible, theres about ten of them in the kitchen, they swarm over your head, land on us, land on the clean cutterly we eat with, crawl over the sides we cook on and are all over our food. I understand that we live in quite a rural area so this is beyond anyones control but thinking about bringing a baby into this environment when flies are all over the babies things already is stressing me to the max. I find it horrible already that when I go to sleep at night the flies linger over our heads and go on our bedding. They also have a dog that is over a year old now and still bites. I know it's not the dogs fault but everyones attempt to get him to stop biting seems half hearted. Sometimes he is told off and sometimes he isnt. If I bring any of this up as a concern I get told off by my dp. Apparently the dog biting isnt seen as a real problem since it's not actually malicious or draws blood, but I've tried to explain just because it doesnt hurt our adult hands doesnt mean it wouldn't do serious damage to a baby. Presumably the whole family will want the dog to meet the baby asap since they are besotted by the dog, but it only makes me anxious and I'd rather keep the dog away. I've tried suggesting we keep the back door closed to limit the amount of flies that get in but that only gets thrown in my face. Weve tried fly traps, rat traps, you name it. I'm at the end of my tether any suggestions on how to handle these problems are more than welcome please, otherwise I may be having this baby away from dp at my own parents house which isnt ideal for our parenting situation but I just dont see any other solution and I'm tired of always been shouted at when I "complain" about these issues. Help!

OP posts:
muddledmidget · 05/09/2020 12:11

I don't think I'd be bringing a baby up in that house, but I'm unsure why the only other option is to move away from your DP to your parents house. Could he not come with you? Or could you not get a small flat for just the 3 of you?

FizzyPink · 05/09/2020 12:17

That sounds awful! Why do you live with them? Can’t you move into your own place?

dollypartonscoat · 05/09/2020 12:18

Yuk. Why are you living there?!

Don't bring a baby into that. Dogs, flies, rats 🤢

MatildaTheCat · 05/09/2020 12:23

It’s very difficult to imagine how your parents home is less ideal than this situation.

At the very least you need pest control to come ASAP.

OldEvilOwl · 05/09/2020 12:23

Move out! no way would I be bringing a newborn baby home to that

Shell23 · 05/09/2020 12:24

@muddledmidget @Turnedouttoes sorry should of probably explained already the circumstances as to why we live with them, we are still young and dont earn enough to afford a place on our own. The reason I live with them is because there is no room at mine for a baby and my home situation isnt ideal to bring a baby into. But at this point I see no other choice

OP posts:
Shell23 · 05/09/2020 12:28

I'm just more tired of the fact everytime I bring my worries up to dp it either gets argumentative or shut down. He takes it all really personally and thinks I'm attacking his parents which I'm not, or that I guess I'm being ungrateful which I'm not. I'm very fortunate have been taken in but at the same time it doesnt take away from the fact I dont feel this environment is appropriate for my little one right now. He seems to be convinced come the time baby is due these issues will magically disappear- I really beg to differ! We havent called pest control because of the animals they dont want the dog to get poisoned or the cat and even if they die in the walls that will only attract more flies

OP posts:
FizzyPink · 05/09/2020 12:32

It’s too late for this now but why on earth did you get pregnant when this is your living situation and you clearly can’t afford a baby Confused

Does your partner work? Is there perhaps a family member who could act as a guarantor on a little flat for you? It doesn’t have to be Buckingham Palace, anywhere that’s rat and fly free would be better than this!

Shell23 · 05/09/2020 12:38

@Turnedouttoes it was an unplanned pregnancy. At the time the house wasnt bad at all, no signs of rats and deffo no flies. The flies are a recent one which is why we suspect a rat has died in the house somewhere. Dp was put out of work due to lockdown as many others were and I found out I was pregnant once I left a job, then lockdown happened and I had no chance of getting a job. I found out I was pregnant quite late into my pregnancy. Dp has a job now but it's still not doable we would be putting ourselves into a financial rut if we upped and moved now were better of staying put and saving for abit

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 05/09/2020 12:45

Rats and flies?? Shock Hard to think of much worse for you and also the baby.

What is also worrying is your partner's refusal to take your concerns seriously. Does the midwife know about your housing situation? What does she think? Would your partner listen to her?

I would try and get this sorted first though because it is going to be doubly difficult when you add a baby into the mix. Going on the defensive and not allowing you your worry is not good for relationships!

It is hard to understand where you have been living and why you can't go back there. Surely anywhere would be better than this?

And never mind the parenting situation. Look after you and the baby. Your partner is obviously looking after himself!

MatildaTheCat · 05/09/2020 12:46

Do you honestly think pest control have never worked in environments with pets? Of course they have and they have methods of clearing infestations without causing rotting carcasses in the walls.

This is a ridiculous situation. I don’t mean to sound nasty but you need to get your act together collectively because your midwife and health visitor won’t think this is ok.

AnxMummy10 · 05/09/2020 12:50

Well unless you go back to your family then you unfortunately have to suck it up.
At least his family has taken you in- unless you can say the same about your family then you have no right to bring this up.
Also what do you expect him to do? Housing your child is just as much your responsibility as it is his- and he has provided that.
The situation definitely doesnt sound right to bring a baby up in - but you have very little choice and no place to start suggestions/ demands to these people about how they live.
The only thing you can do is go back to your family.

BoggledBudgie · 05/09/2020 12:51

You have rats and flies in the house when the midwife and health visitors come to check the baby it’s likely your living conditions will be flagged as hazardous and SS will become involved.

LynetteScavo · 05/09/2020 12:57

I'd be going to social services myself. You cannot bring a baby onto this. I could not be there a day with my baby.

Mamette · 05/09/2020 12:59

my home situation isnt ideal to bring a baby into

Neither is this. You can’t have a baby in a house with rats.

Pearsapiece · 05/09/2020 13:02

Get onto the council and apply for somewhere to live. You cannot bring a baby into that. One visit from a health visitor and social services will be round to advise you to move.

Pinkflipflop85 · 05/09/2020 13:03

If you are staying there then the rat and fly issue needs to be resolved asap. If you stay and bring your baby into the environment as it is then you are neglectful as parents and social services should be involved.

Kittykat93 · 05/09/2020 13:05

Surely you can't even consider bringing a baby into this? How ridiculous. Call pest control or move out

AnxMummy10 · 05/09/2020 13:08

Wrt your own family situation , would going back be that worse op? Does your family know the situation you are in now.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 05/09/2020 13:09

You cannot bring a baby into this environment, rats and flies harbour all sorts of diseases and bacteria. Plus rats have been known to bite babies, I’m not trying to scare you, it’s just reality. Let alone a dog which bites, you cannot risk a helpless baby being brought into this. You need to be looking after your own health too if the baby is due very soon.

Please speak to the local council, I would think they would have to find you accommodation as an emergency in these circumstances. You need to be living in a clean and safe environment for your own sake and for the baby. Your partner should be supporting you with this, if not leave him to stay with his parents. He obviously doesn’t mind living in this squalor. But where is his loyalty to you and the baby? You should both be his first priority.

LupinsNotLilys · 05/09/2020 13:09

I think you need to seek additional support from agencies op.

Speak to the council, go into the nearest council offices and tell them your situation. Tell them you need help to find a place to live as it's not suitable to bring a baby into a rat infested house with flies. Can I ask how old you are? There may be other agencies who can help if you are a teen for example

The rats need to be got rid of professionally or they will breed and breed, they will not disappear on their own, that situation will not get better with no action.

I live rurally and there's no excuse for not using rat poison in boxes. I had a rat living in the stone wall outside, I have cats and a dog. I bought a bait box and the rat was killed. The cats and dog were fine

You you and your baby please go and seem further help. Speak to your midwife, speak to the council.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 05/09/2020 13:10

You absolutely must not stay living there until you have your baby.

Either you move out alone (which is entirely in your power to do), your “dp” (which he’s hardly being if he shuts you down, or pest control come round and get things properly sorted. The last option doesn’t solve the dog issue though, so would need to be combined with proper dog training.

I agree with others who say the midwife and HV will not think this is ok and you will have bigger problems to worry about.

Shell23 · 05/09/2020 14:01

Just had another arguement with dp. Apparently I'm being over dramatic because of all of this .... he has convinced himself it's all a lie just to give me an excuse to move back, really dont know what else to do. I cant move back because my living situation isnt ideal, my parents arent together the housing environment is toxic. My dad can be quite abusive. That and there is no room for me let alone baby. The state of the house stresses me as it is let alone bringing a baby into it, but as others have said I know I have no right to complain when I'm already being put up. I just dont appreciate being shouted at for voicing my concerns or my worries being manipulated for it being something it isnt. No one else in the house hold seems to see it as an issue other than me and my side of the family

OP posts:
Shell23 · 05/09/2020 14:05

I had looked into goverment housing however because my family members earn a certain amount between them I've been told I wouldn't be considered a priority.

OP posts:
LupinsNotLilys · 05/09/2020 14:10

Go into the offices op

Tell them you cannot live there. If they cannot help, speak to your midwife. If you struggle to find help, go to social services yourself. There is help available you sometimes just have to beg for it unfortunately

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