I’m vulnerable and like a baby

[Nanechabgedabc]

Please help me and be as blunt as you want! I know I portray an image that I’m a vulnerable baby and seem to feel sorry for myself. Started a new job and I really need to get out of this mindset. It’s been stressful as I haven’t had any training or help and have to keep chasing people to tell me things. I don’t want to justify my reasons as I don’t think even in this situation I should be acting like a “victim”. Work hasn’t said anything but I’m very self aware and know that’s how I’m coming across. Please help me get my self sorted and be less of a stressed out lunatic on Monday!

Other would have been reacting to me like I’m just stressing over nothing and to be more chilled out. Again I’m not saying this to justify but I like being on top of things and I like being organised but I feel a little annoyed at work for being so laid back. How can I stop my mind from being stressed and victim mentality?

OP is English your first language? I just get the impression it isn't from some of your replies but ignore me if I'm wrong. I wonder if there is a language barrier involved in your lack of confidence.

And yes to the PP who said people waffle on in meetings without saying anything. This is so true. I much prefer listening to those who make a point and stick to it.

@Nanechabgedabc Start watching and learning from Simon Sinek, he really is the best. You need to practice, he will teach you with his tutorials.

www.youtube.com/results?search_query=simon+sinek+public+speaking

OP, I’m a senior manager and I still have moments where I cringe and think I sounded like a total moron! FWIW you almost certainly notice it a lot more than other people do. I also have a fairly twee/high pitched voice and it doesn’t seem to have held me back.

Like other posters have said, concentrate on being assertive, taking notes and asking sensible questions.

Instead of saying “help, XYZ client has asked me to do this and I don’t know what to do!”, try saying “excuse me, XYZ has asked for this, how do we usually address it?”

Op this might sound like weird advice, but in meetings, try to be aware of your tone of voice. There is nothing wrong with being direct but if you want to sound less 'childish', pitch your tone slightly lower and slow down fractionally. Agree with the poster who said that you should get in the habit of writing down and prefixing questions with phrases like:

So, just to clarify / I'd like to confirm etc.

Also there is no shame in 'not knowing' how certain procedures work. Ask calmly using grown up language and make a point of writing notes that you can refer to.

And for what it's worth, nearly everyone feels like they are 'winging it' to a degree at work - no matter how good/experienced/mature/accomplished you are. True Fact!!

A long time ago, I used to work somewhere with a young woman who had a really high pitched childish voice. This really irritated me to start with & I will admit that at first I thought she was probably a bit pathetic. Then I got to know her & realised she was one of the most intelligent, hard working & lovely people in the office. She went on to be really successful in her career. It really reminded me how important it is not to judge people on first impressions.
And yes we are definitely all winging it! No matter how confident we seem!
Good luck OP! Let us know how it goes on Monday?!

FFS, some of the comments on here are horrendous. Some of you need to check yourselves.

OP, it sounds like you're drowning in imposter syndrome. As you become more experienced in your role, i promise you'll start feeling more confident and less "in your head".

One of delightful gifts of anxiety is that it can impact your cognitive functioning and make it harder to articulate yourself, making the anxiety even worse. Like a PP, even though I'm in senior management, I still occasionally cringe at something I've said even though it's likely no one actually thought anything about it.

Have you tried mindfulness? I don't necessarily mean a meditation but something to bring you out of your head and into the present. Sometimes I take a minute to notice 5 things I can hear/smell/see. Great thing about that strategy is that I can do it at my desk but to anyone else it just appears that I'm reading my notes.

Be kind to yourself. You got this job because you can do this. Just be yourself.

And don't use as many exclamation marks as me in my last post

Actually, when I was working - London, HQs of various national and international organisations/corporations - the people who could just talk straight and not waste time over communication were far more valued and liked than those who just talked and talked and talked.....

There’s some GREAT advice here.

I think the main thing is to keep reminding yourself that loads of people feel like this on the inside. We’ve just learned to hide it a bit better.

I can really recommend memorising a few stock phrases to replace the helpless sounding ones...

Instead of

O Fuck ive forgotten the procedure for saving this document

Try

Can I just clarify... I assume all docs. are to be saved in pdf form in date order in the client file...

I do this kind of rephrasing ALL the time almost without realising (Im in a fairly technical role and spend at least half my day thinking O FUUUUUCK)

My personal favourite recently, I’ve just taken over a few new clients projects from someone who has been promoted.. so when I get asked what I plan to do about x (x being something I haven’t a clue about) I ask the project team for a ‘verbal report‘ on progress made to date by Sheila in respect of x on the y project.

They know and I know that it really translates as shit shit, tell me what Sheila has done so far and would have done next...

I’m 1 week into a new role. I have had training but I am still very much out of my depth.
On my first day I concentrated on all of the different folders documents are stored in. I made meticulous notes.
Form A- open X drive, scroll half way down to Y file, open that straight to the bottom to file called Z.
*this form is used for ABC
Even if something looks straightforward I will still jot it down. I’ve filled 2 notepads already.

I have a list of burning questions that I don’t know the answer to and I need to know the answer. There is 15 people and we are working from home so it’s tricky. Rather then bugging one person or worse my manager with questions I am touching base with each person.
I send a message on teams. “Good morning, could we have a quick chat when you get a chance” they will either phone me if they are free or say when they will be available for a call. I introduce myself, ask how they are and then ask 2 questions that are on my list. The way I word it, rather then helllllllllp I have no idea what I’m doing or what any of these words mean, I’m just getting to grips with the process of doing X, I’ve looked on X and Y system can you walk me through or do you someone that can.
Quite often they will walk me through a process but then will tell me who the expert on the team is in that area. I’m making a list of different people's skills and areas of expertise so I know where to go in future. Always thank the person for their time.

Then when my manager called me today to ask how it was going. I could say I had met all of the team. I wasn’t sure about X Process but Anne advised me. I’ve done X amount of cases, I got stuck on one but Bob clarified the process and the case is now finished. I have 2 cases which need X,Y, Z on them I’ve scheduled a meeting with carol at 3pm who will show me the process. They will be closed by lunchtime on Monday.

I think I know what you mean op? But it sounds like you (and your DH) are being very hard on yourself. It’s only been a week, of course you don’t know everything yet! No one will mind you asking.
I think if you just focus on listening you will be able to take more in and hopefully worry less about how you are coming across. You can only learn so much in a day. Take it one day at a time and go easy on yourself. Soon it will feel like second nature.

OP it sounds like you are more articulate and concise! I work with academics and doctors and boy do they waffle. Just get to the point!

I also struggle with playing the ditz in order to seem less threatening, and also to cover for any mistakes I might make. It is difficult. The best thing to do is work on knowing your job very well. The confidence will come.

Rose. That’s exactly what I do.

Now that we are wfh for the foreseeable (forever) I have a whiteboard behind my desk with the names of everyone on the team and what they each unofficially specialise in, so I know who to go to.

@BubblyBarbara

You need to throw yourself into the deep end. Volunteer or do some shifts in retail or at a call centre and you will soon toughen up or get broken down.

So true! DS did holiday jobs at a call centre, and took abuse from customers all day long {Car insurance} and in retail which was much better {Clothing retailer} But it did him the world of good.. He is self employed now, but if I say ''Call to quote ratio'' [?] he still groans.

His experience there makes me be polite to any centre person.

He said ''getting abuse right in your ear from a headset'' was horrible.

Giggling is generally a no no..and is infuriating.
Rein in the giggling, which may have been a learned reaction?
Being ditzy isn't a good thing :)

@Nanechabgedabc
We never stop learning..
I worked with a family member and he said ''When greeting people, do you realise you look down when shaking their hand?''....

I didn't realise....He said it looked 'submissive'....and to 'Look them in the eye' !.

It's completely normal for a sensitive person to feel anxious, and self-conscious, and as if they are floundering when in a new role. It's early days in a new job, I'd be freaking out too. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself time to settle in. The others have been there for a while or are more thickskinned types so they probably feel (or at least act) calm and comfortable. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other and try to focus on your achievements of the day, rather than your perceived failures. Showing up at the job is an achievement.

I understand OP. Imposter syndrome! It can be crippling

Thank you everyone I’ve woken up today determined I want to feel better about myself and the way I am at work. No unfortunately I’m not in my 20’s! I’m much older. I think the key is I need to get out of my head. There are no real issues but I create them in my head. I am severely nervous, anxious and depressed and I feel this does, as one PP wrote, affects my cognitive ability. I do feel it!

Thank you all so much, I’ve been reading and Re-reading all your comments and it’s helping. I wish there was some way to hide the negative nasty ones! So much is sticking in my head and I know I’m not the only one. I’m a grown up now, not a vulnerable child and I need to keep reminding myself. I thought today how would my kids feel if they saw their mum like the way I am in work. I want to improve for my kids sake at least.

Don’t worry OP, everyone’s nervous when they start a new job. It comes out in all sorts of ways! Many giggle inappropriately. Some act very vulnerable and stick to me like glue eg even follow me to the loo and wait outside the door. Some need constant reassurance. Some fear getting lost, others are insecure.

The WORST type are the ones who are over confident and make a big mess of things because they don’t ask for help.

Not using flowery language? Not an issue. Our team keep things concise and to the point. Anyone who rambles or uses jargon gets interrupted.

Don’t worry about getting the giggles. I’ve had the giggles in leadership meetings more than once! And I’m in a senior position. I’ve even got the giggles when presenting and set the whole team off. As long as nobody thinks you’re laughing AT them it’s fine. We’re all human, we all have emotions. I’ve had senior colleagues cry in meetings and others too anxious to even speak!

Don’t let your partner wreak your confidence!

You do need to get out of your head. Thoughts aren't facts. Concentrate on what's happening externally. All workplaces have a language, and the longer you're in role the more comfortable you'll be with using the shared terminology. As other PPs have said, it's good to have stock phrases to replace a more colloquial style (although, you may find as you build relationships you can ease up on bullshit bingo corporate jargon with some people). If you feel really self conscious read around your sector / service and a few business reference books to broaden your vocabulary.
As someone with a regional accent who works in a very corporate environment I've always found talking low and slow in meetings helps to be taken more seriously. It's outrageous that we have to do it but it does work.

Hi OP 👋 it’s a fact that it takes on average, 3 months for most people to begin to feel confident in a new role and a year before they fully grasp it! You’re not stupid, just keep reminding yourself of this fact!