I’m vulnerable and like a baby

[Nanechabgedabc]

Please help me and be as blunt as you want! I know I portray an image that I’m a vulnerable baby and seem to feel sorry for myself. Started a new job and I really need to get out of this mindset. It’s been stressful as I haven’t had any training or help and have to keep chasing people to tell me things. I don’t want to justify my reasons as I don’t think even in this situation I should be acting like a “victim”. Work hasn’t said anything but I’m very self aware and know that’s how I’m coming across. Please help me get my self sorted and be less of a stressed out lunatic on Monday!

Other would have been reacting to me like I’m just stressing over nothing and to be more chilled out. Again I’m not saying this to justify but I like being on top of things and I like being organised but I feel a little annoyed at work for being so laid back. How can I stop my mind from being stressed and victim mentality?

OP I can come across as very quiet, girlish and not very confident/knowledgable so. I understand what you mean. I'm just very shy and I'm not great at small talk or being witty or anything at work...it's just who I am.

How I make up for it though is by being very attentive and polite, and working hard to make comprehensive notes. I am.on maternity leave right now and have been since November but I only start my new in July, and my managers commented how well I had picked everything up.

I've learned two things over the last 7 years of working in an office environment - you don't have to change your personality into some stereotypical assertive/extroverted person in order to move up the ladder, you do you. But in the same breath, you do need to learn to be confident and proactive enough to get what you need and to defend yourself if necessary.

There is a difference between being shy/vulnerable and being needy and immature (in the nicest way, not saying you are necessarily those things)

Oh and it doesn't help that I have a very high pitched soft voice so I was for years terribly self conscious of answering phones to the point that it was pointed out to my line manager.. he was ever so nice about it but us giggly/quiet women can be sometimes unfairly overlooked so you have to work a little harder and make effort to overcome it.

Why do I get the feeling that the OP is one of those weirdo blokes who dress in adult diapers and dummy and have a "Mummy"?

Very odd thread.

@hollieberrie and @CloudyVanilla thank you both!

cloudy please please give me some tips on how you managed to pick everything up in work in such a short amount of time

How old are you OP? Is it that you sort of don't truly feel like a proper grown up yet? Is it your first full time job?

I think these things take a little time. I also think a lot of people go through a phase of feeling they're a bit shit at 'adulting' - remember those memes about looking round for an 'adultier adult' a few years ago?

You will relax into it all a bit in time! But do work on your self esteem, maybe have some counselling.

@LEELULUMPKIN seriously your attitude is awful. Why would I be sat here typing on here on a Friday night inventing problems?! FFS have t you read holieberry and cloudy’s posts as they also feel sane way I do!

I don't think you need to start composing long and flowery sentences to find your place at the table at work. Many times, those who talk a lot are fleshing out the same thought in a variety of ways to hide lack of substance. Being able to make your point clearly can be a great strength. But the giggling needs to stop.

I don’t want to keep drip feeding parts of my life as I feel the advice tone will change to “please get some counselling”. I was basically sexually abused as a child and common theme is some adults stay stuck in that age they were (obviously in our heads not physically). I haven’t felt like this for years until recently when I started this job and all my insecurities have started up again. I just want to go in on Monday and be more confident and feel more in charge of my emotions and not be so stressed. I’ve only been there a week so not too late to change first impressions if they are indeed bad, might be all in my head

Many times, those who talk a lot are fleshing out the same thought in a variety of ways to hide lack of substance. Being able to make your point clearly can be a great strength.

Completely agree 100%.

It is amazing how much people bullshit on, but with an air of authority, so people just nod along.

@ShuddaCudda

Many times, those who talk a lot are fleshing out the same thought in a variety of ways to hide lack of substance. Being able to make your point clearly can be a great strength.

Completely agree 100%.

It is amazing how much people bullshit on, but with an air of authority, so people just nod along.

Politicians are masters at this...actually listen to what they're saying and its just words words words that actually don't mean much

Christ, what's with all the unpleasant comments? Some of you need to get a grip of yourselves

OP I know exactly how you feel - it's kind of like imposter syndrome! Please don't worry - if you weren't capable you wouldn't have gotten the job to start with! Don't be afraid to ask questions, be yourself and work hard. If you don't feel confident, just fake it until you make it - good luck

Many times, those who talk a lot are fleshing out the same thought in a variety of ways to hide lack of substance. Being able to make your point clearly can be a great strength.

That’s exactly how I feel about the manager! She went on for ages today in response to my question and she didn’t actually answer it! When I asked her again she snapped and said “I’m getting there”

I see it time and time again that young women who are very competent, bright etc in the workplace seem to drown in anxiety. One of the biggest parts of my job seems to be getting people to believe in themselves and find their voice. You are not unusual so I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time. I’d also much rather have someone who could speak succinctly than a waffler.

@Nanechabgedabc

Everyone else in meetings talks in a really flowery, long word types! I don’t mince my words so what takes them 10 minutes to say I say in 10 seconds. Hope that makes sense! I really wish I was more articulate so I could explain my issue at work clearly

I think I would much rather talk to you than them! It's frustrating to hear others wasting time wandering around a point but I always assume that they are not that clear thinking and are probably envious of people who can make things more snappy.

The thing is, the WAY I talk is I think quite childish and annoying. When others talk they seem sophisticated and mature but I feel like a 12 year old when I talk in meetings etc

lower your voice by an octave
stand up if on a call (Not in meetings obvs) (unless everyone else is)

When I asked her again she snapped and said “I’m getting there”
Prob best you don't interrupt your manager, she was likely telling you other stuff she wanted you to know :)

@Nanechabgedabc

Everyone else in meetings talks in a really flowery, long word types! I don’t mince my words so what takes them 10 minutes to say I say in 10 seconds. Hope that makes sense! I really wish I was more articulate so I could explain my issue at work clearly

Getting to the Fucking Point is the Holy Grail of meetings. Don't knock the most positive thing you've said in the thread.

You're trying to get your head round a different office culture, procedures, ethos, politics and personalities. If they're fond of flowery sentences that sound important but never actually go anywhere, it's going to be difficult to work out what the fuck they're talking about.

Use your skill in getting to the fucking point to learn your job. Ask straight questions. Write down their answers. Clarify what they've just said - 'so, I save the documents in the DKGJSI drive in Word format, then as pdfs, then I email the client with the pdf attached and close the case on TJFISJ? Brilliant, thank you'.

Treat it almost as if you're creating a How To Do The Job manual for people who don't understand the flowery bollocks or don't have time to translate instructions into plain English.

Then refer back to your notes. If something seems a bit different, doublecheck 'I've got client 284hf0 on the phone. They want to know if we can ----. Do I save the documents in the DKGJSI drive in Word format, then as pdfs, then I email the client with the pdf attached and close the case on TJFISJ, or do I do it differently for this?' Chances are, you'll get a 'Yes, just the same' or 'Pretty much, except you close it on ZFIEJ instead'. That's great, thank you.

Other suggestions are;

Instead of Halp, I don't know what to do, 'Who do I need to talk to about sending parcels by courier instead of Royal Mail?'

Instead of letting your lip quiver and tears appear in the corner of your eye, hoping that somebody will rescue you when they realise you're being shouted at because you don't know the answer to their question 'I will need to find that out for you, can I take your contact details and I'll call you back as soon as I can give you an answer? Well, I need to check and I will call with an answer as soon as I know'.

and then you ask - not 'he's shouting at me', but 'Client H wants to know (whatever). I've promised to call him back with an answer'.

Your ability to say something in ten words rather than a hundred is a strength. Use it.

Thank you advice is amazing. Yes I think I need to lower my voice! I was looking at voice coaching on YouTube but found it not useful.

@Sailingblue please if you can give me some advice that you’ve given other women in my position. You’re more than welcome to pm me if you have a chance

@MitziK just seen your post. Thank you I’m reading for second time now and taking note!

I think an important thing to remember is it's OK to be vulnerable - it's not a bad or wrong thing. Being 'needy' is something to avoid, but merely asking questions and checking things at the start of a job isn't needy, it's good practice - if people aren't patient with that, it's their problem.

I also suspect you are overanalysing and people aren't thinking about you/bothered by you even half as much as you thing.

Find Amy cuddys ted talk on presence and sheryl sandberg- you will get practical ideas on improving how you come across

I just want to go in on Monday and be more confident and feel more in charge of my emotions and not be so stressed
Try to really relax this weekend, go for a run, get some good hormones flowing through your body. I am sorry I missed your update about abuse. You may not realise it or think it but I know very few people who are truly confident, who didn't have difficult experiences growing up - many of those around you will be acting more confident than they are. They will also seem more confident because they have been there a while and know the ropes and this will be you one day. Good luck.

Thank you all means so much to me that you all took time out of your lives to respond to me! Thank you. Sorry I haven’t responded to all the amazing advice, I’m reading them I’ve and over again x

i’m reading all the amazing advice over and over again I meant to say.

I’d say just do your job competently, ask questions when you need to (taking notes and asking follow-up questions if needed) and don’t make the mistake of trying to muddle through a task that hasn’t been clearly explained to you. The colleagues you’ve mentioned sound incompetent, tbf.

If your voice is high-pitched when you feel unconfident, take a few slow breaths, let the tension drain away and speak more slowly.

Good luck. You’d be amazed how many confident-seeming people actually feel the same as you, OP.