Job or marriage?

[whatisforteamum]

For many years dh and I juggled childcare and shif t.v.work as we had no family support and childcare is expensive.Also we are very different people so I would go shopping while he watched sport on tv.
With the dcs adults and only DS at home now I took on more hours which filled in the empty next and helped me cope with bereavement.
This was good for a few yrs and helped me save.
During lockdown I realised just how much I had missed things like meals at mealtimes,walks with dh visiting family.My days are 12 hours and w ends so I only see dh once a month for one day.
However when he is tired which he often is he is grouchy and even DS says he finds it impossible to talk to him.He withdraws to his room to watch tv all evening.
Sometimes he is very childish with a quick temper and mocking nah nah nah attitude towards me!.
DS thinks I shouldn't work so much to keep out of his way but we got on fine for months in lockdown.
I have no social life as my colleagues are younger than my dcs and no quality free time as I am too exhausted to go out by my days off.
I have app?did for something with eves off awaiting a reply.What would you do in your mid 50s?

I am lost
Why do you only see DH for one day a month? Prison visiting?

I don’t understand the question, sorry.

I work opposite hours so cannot see him.Which is fine when he is moody however he wasnot so grouchy or rude in lockdown.
I have always loved my job but now something needs to give.

It's really hard to keep a marriage going if you work opposite shifts. On the other hand with a husband like yours it could be a lifesaver! Has he always been so miserable?

No he was lovely when we met over 30 years ago.like I said opposite shifts through th e childcare years and a heart attack on 2013 has made him a very angry person.I have.bags more energy than him and more of a.career although neither of us earns much hourly.He maybe resentful of me.He never.discussed anything.Any conversation is going on!

I just lo live a single solitary life Like my much younger colleagues.

I'd ditch the husband and keep the job. Never worth sacrificing your financial security a man at the best of times, least of all when he's a waste of space who doesn't enhance your life.

He can be hard work but would get half our house so that financial security would be sacrificed.

Are you still in love with your husband? Thats a question you need to ask yourself.

whatsforteamum

But if you divorced him you'd get half of the equity, right?

If he's a miserable sod surely you'd be happier on your own with half the house equity and your job? Life's too short to stay with a sulking, angry man IMHO. Particularly if your kids have flown the nest.

I think it sounds like you chose your job over your husband years ago.

Well, he also had to get used to never seeing you so cuts both ways I suppose. Has to be worth trying a job that allows you both to actually see each other sometimes, or what is the point? Really? If you then find you can't stand each other, well at least you'll know.

I would prioritise my financial security over my relationship with an angry man who mocked and was resentful of me, tbh.

Funny how your son isn't asking his dad to jack in his work to spend more time with you. No way I'd pack in my financial independence for another person, especially not so close to pension age, either. He's checked out long ago, don't take this on as a project.

@unmarkedbythat

I would prioritise my financial security over my relationship with an angry man who mocked and was resentful of me, tbh.

And this as well, with bells on.

If you switch jobs would you be able to get your old job back later if you wanted?

If so, then make the switch, see if your relationship improves when you see more of each other.

If not.... go back to your old job and consider leaving.

It is so hard to untangle.Of course I would rather do a job I love than hate my job but see dh.And yes I did find it easier to work than be.off and ignored for sport or golf.
Like I said he was nice enough when we.we're forced together.
We be had separate rooms for years though and can't watch.tv together as he is hard of hearing yet refuses to wear his hearing aids.!
He is also very unambitious and our DS said he can see I'm a driven hard working person.Which is lovely.☺

It is pointless being in a marriage where you don't see each other. If you got on better with your husband during lockdown then maybe you should both consider jobs where you don't work opposite shifts to each other.

Maybe you are both lonely and not enjoying your lives and need to reconnect with each other. Communication is key in every relationship so perhaps you should start having a conversation about how you both feel. Determine what the problems are, decide whether you want to overcome them and try to come up with some solutions.

The industry I'm in is high pressure and I've seen !many a marriage.or relation ship.break down because of it.
Some eves I get one hour between sometime and bed.Meanwhile he gets 9 hours and mocks me if I ask why the food bin.is stinking in the kitchen.

Home time and bed*

He sounds miserable, and your lives have been essentially separate for a long time.

Do you still love him?
What does he add to your life? (Other than financial security)
Does being with him make you happy? Could it if things changed? What would need to change?

He mocks you for asking about the bin? I assume out of defensiveness because he hasn't bothered to change it? That is awful.

Seriously - what does he add to your life?

You don't sound happy with your marriage or your job. Maybe now is the time for a complete change. Divorce your husband and find a job you enjoy with less hours.

Sounds as if you've grown apart over the years. Where I live they call it 'silver separation' and it's becoming more common, probably due to more women being financially independent from their spouses whereas before they were kind of 'stuck'. Add to that the fact that he's become an 'angry old man' and I don't see why you should sacrifice anything for the sake of him or your marriage. You're pretty much living a 'single life' right now with him flitting in and out making nasty comments and bringing you down.

It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were. And to me no house is worth being miserable in your spirit. I'd rather eat burgers in a bedsit in peace than filet mignon in mansion and be miserable.

Don't quit your job. Especially if it will make you more financially dependent on him in any way.

I once had a home/work situation where it was better for me to do more hours than to spend time with my partner. Looking back, it was a very bad sign indeed for the relationship.

Your DH has no respect for you. He should be ashamed for speaking to you as he does; you don't deserve to be mocked and slighted.

Keep your job at all costs. You have about another 10 years until your state pension so a change of position might be risky, and I honestly don't think spending more time at home will help your marriage.

You might think about getting some legal advice about your marital situation.