Job or marriage?

[whatisforteamum]

For many years dh and I juggled childcare and shif t.v.work as we had no family support and childcare is expensive.Also we are very different people so I would go shopping while he watched sport on tv.
With the dcs adults and only DS at home now I took on more hours which filled in the empty next and helped me cope with bereavement.
This was good for a few yrs and helped me save.
During lockdown I realised just how much I had missed things like meals at mealtimes,walks with dh visiting family.My days are 12 hours and w ends so I only see dh once a month for one day.
However when he is tired which he often is he is grouchy and even DS says he finds it impossible to talk to him.He withdraws to his room to watch tv all evening.
Sometimes he is very childish with a quick temper and mocking nah nah nah attitude towards me!.
DS thinks I shouldn't work so much to keep out of his way but we got on fine for months in lockdown.
I have no social life as my colleagues are younger than my dcs and no quality free time as I am too exhausted to go out by my days off.
I have app?did for something with eves off awaiting a reply.What would you do in your mid 50s?

Sounds like you need to instigate a conversation with him to let him know you'd like things to improve within the marriage - it sounds like you've both lost each other completely in the busy ness of family life and work. Start communication and see where it goes. I wouldn't make any life decisions until you've seen whether things have gone too far to pull them back. But you both need (IMHO) to focus on each other, you've got into the habit of seeing each other as the last priority in life.

It’s strange for one parter go have “bags more money” why don’t you share money?

If you want to attempt to save the marriage you have to talk to him and possibly suggest couples counselling. If he is not open to this then that’s that.

Do not give up your work.

Thank you for all the perspective s.most helpful.I must admit he makes no effort at all.He over his got and is more than happy to be going away for a few days each yr.With his mates.Our break was cancelled.
I did wonder if it was my fault working late and leaving him to hang the wash and wash up and take the rubbish down.But not really it probably takes an hour tops.I love cleaning so spend my FreeTime buffing around.
I think he would do anything without !e saying.He says I'm a snob which I completely a m not.I live a very quiet basic life.my
He always says he is happy as he is .

Keep your job.

You have literally grown apart. You need to have a serious conversation as to whether you both want to try to grow back together or move on and separate.

I did say we were totally fine in lockdown.Stuck together for months on end.That's what makes me feel like I'm to blame.However years ago He did prioritize tv over me and family life.
This yr he went golfing when I booked the w end off as holiday and he knew I had.

I booked it for our wedding anniversary.

Your marriage doesnt sound good, he sounds grumpy etc but it also sounds like neither of you have given each other any attention for basically years. Separate bedrooms, opposite shifts, zero time together...not sure how you ever thought that was going to work long term

Why would you bother trying to "reconnect" with someone like this? He does nothing then mocks you when you have been working all day for failing to do enough housework? Words fail me.

Some posters appear to be suggesting that things would improve if you spent less time working but he's done nothing to indicate that would be the case. If anything he would probably just expect you to do more domestic labour. And it would be an incredibly bad idea to sacrifice a job you love to spend more time with someone who barely has a kind word for you.

It sounds to me as if your marriage died a long time ago. It's totally understandable that you're reluctant to accept this but you may ultimately find it liberating.

I guess I'm the past money to pay the mortgage and bills was.the priority though we never had luxuries we just made ends meet.Now I wouldn't mind some love or free time to do what everyone else takes for granted.

whatisforteamum

Of course. When you are bringing children up and working you just focus on the day to day and get through it.

Now your children have left you have had a chance to take a step back and think about what this man brings to your life. By the sounds of it, very little.

You, by contrast, sound hard-working, driven and tough and you've obviously carved out a job you like. You are probably just waking up to the fact that you have different aspirations and interests. This is a gap you could potentially bridge if there was kindness and love in the marriage, but there's little to indicate that's the case.

It sounds to me as if all your instincts are telling you you'd be far better off on your own. I'm not going to tell you what you should do with your life but I will tell you you deserve better than this.

OP, having read all your posts, I don't see anything nice enough about this man for you to waste your time trying to "reconnect".

I'd pick job over man in this situation.

He's going to go off playing golf on your anniversary, when he knows you had time booked off work for it?

This is awful, and tbh it sounds like the relationship is over. If he was interested in having more quality time with you, he'd jump at the chance, but instead he's playing golf. Before that he picked the TV.

I guess.I thought we didn't have anything but the kids between us in 2004.Obviously there are things that bind couples together that you don't realize until they are gone.We are opposites tbh but there is zero affection.When I got in from a long day Sat week he said do u want a shag before DS gets home!! Charmer.
I guess I've always been with him so alone seems scary.
Sometimes I get fed up of being the strong one.I even had to look for work for him when he was made redundant last year as he made no attempt.
If he was anymore laid back he would fall over!
He refers to me in the third party when talking to our ds.Cringe😕

Oh OP, the more you write, the worse he sounds. He sounds awful, the only thing keeping you with him is habit, and fear of the unknown. I think your life would actually be easier without him cluttering up the place. You deserve so much better than this.

Well this weekend I worked both days.One of them I made a mistake at work which I quickly rectified but feel bad about.A shite day.😣
I managed to do two lots of washing change my bed and do some washing up despite 10 hour days.
Th didn't text at all as he was moving our Dd miles away.Away for 3 days.
All he could say was why were some many cups left for washing up!! ERRr I get home at 10 and up at 630 sunday.N o comment on Dd who I haven't seen all lockdown.😕

You need to lay your cards on the table. But do have an exit plan in place.