Child contact with father

[Whostolemychocolate]

What happens with contact once you've split up ?
How often do your children see their fathers?
I'm not keen for dd to go to her dads every weekend for the full weekend as I feel once she's at school I won't have that quality time with her, just wondering what others do

Would the court allow him to have her every weekend ?

Every other weekend, a weekday night on the week that they don't see Dad and half school holidays is a common amount.
You wouldn't be expected to give up every weekend as weekend is quality time and you might want to go away to see your family overnight or whatever.

Depends on your situation but 50/50 is often the best, kids deserve quality time with both parents. My friends kids do every other week for the week

@minnieok

Depends on your situation but 50/50 is often the best, kids deserve quality time with both parents. My friends kids do every other week for the week

Correct answer.

It's not the kids fault that the parents have split and they deserve equal time with each parent.

Depends on the parent my ex struggles seeing them for two hours a week sometimes its because his children say they don't want to see him he didn't even reply the last time I text him about his eldest

But some are happy with 50/50

EOW plus one night in the week and more in school holidays is pretty common as a PP said (that is pretty much my DP has with DSD but we don't live in the same town), if he lives very close by 50:50 may be best. But don't worry, he wouldn't be given all the "fun" weekend days and you none!

Please just sort 50/50 between yourselves if possible and avoid the cost/stress of court for all concerned.

Unless there are some real reasons why he shouldn't have them half the time (Violence etc) then he and the kids deserve 50/50 the same as you do.

This does of course impact on child maintenance payments, and unfortunately a lot of people use that as a reason to contest 50/50

Courts are generally edging to 50/50 as standard unless there are reasons this can't occur. Every other week for the full week with each parent.

My children see their dad every other weekend. However, I should point out he’s always been lazy and uninvolved with caring for them. He chose EOW.

I agree that contact every weekend for the full weekend wouldn’t be fair for the RP- you’d be doing most of the hard slog of caring during the week and he’d get the fun times at the weekend while you wouldn’t get any of that special treat time apart from the school holidays and only when if you weren’t at work.

Surely 50/50 is only best for the child where you have 2 equally involved parents, rather than one that's a lazy/neglectful so and so.

And fathers often ask for 50/50 so they don't have to pay anything, and then conveniently renege on that once the deal is done. No skin in the game here as DH and I are still together but I have many friends with useless NRPs.

@AnneElliott

Surely 50/50 is only best for the child where you have 2 equally involved parents, rather than one that's a lazy/neglectful so and so.

And fathers often ask for 50/50 so they don't have to pay anything, and then conveniently renege on that once the deal is done. No skin in the game here as DH and I are still together but I have many friends with useless NRPs.

This is my opinion also. 50:50 is not always 'fair' to the DC.

50/50 can work with two involved parents and older children but in reality it's not what any of the split parents we know have, perhaps because most of them have younger children who need contact with a 'main carer' and because often the dads seem to take up with someone else soon after the split, or have jobs with longer hours that they want to keep, and having the kids too often can impact on that.

50/50 is not always in the best interest of the child so I don't think it should be the default. It all depends on individual circumstances. I'm divorced and in our case 50/50 would not work.

My ex works shifts including weekends he has DS whenever he has a day off. Sometimes midweek, sometimes it is for a weekend.

50/50 is often done in the best interest of the parents so it's "fair". That's not taking the child into consideration.

A court would order EOW, and half of holidays as a minimum normally if you went down that route.

However, it is always encouraged to come to an arrangement between yourselves before heading down that route if you can.

50/50 can work if both parents are equally involved and circumstances suit (suitable working patterns, distance between houses etc)

If not, then it's as often as you both feel appropriate and is up to you to decide. Lot of options are available to come up with a decent parenting schedule for you both.

Examples being:

Mid week to mid week (50/50)
Monday to Sunday (50/50)
EOW & 1 night midweek every week
Long weekend EOW & 1 night in week
EOW & 2 nights in the week

You don't have to default to the 'norm', EOW & 1 night.

You'd most likely have to offer up some days in the week in place of a weekend - he is entitled to quality time as much as you

DH and I have my DSD for two weekday evenings then Friday night and Saturday. Her DM and Step Dad have her two weekday evenings, Saturday night and Sunday. Not quite 50-50 due to school runs etc but fair as can be, both parents getting a share of the homework, tea, bath, hair wash, etc as well as a share of the fun weekend quality time. But all four parents and step parents work roughly 9-5 so this works for us. School holidays are 50-50. Would be difficult with shift work.

50/50 if the children are old enough and both parents are equally responsible/ involved and live close by. In reality I only know 1 out of maybe 20 sets of separated parents who do this, in the vast majority of cases the dad has every other weekend if that.

I agreed to 50/50 but my ex wanted eow and one night a week for tea. He actually has them eow and that's it. He doesn't have them any extra in holidays or longer than 2 days. Kids would like to see him more.

I think it depends on what the status quo is pre split, age of DC, proximity of both houses to school/activities/friends, willingness of each parent to facilitate activities/friends/parties etc.

No one parent should suck up all the "fun" weekend time and leave the other with all the drudge of before/after school though.

In the majority of situations for my close friends, they have worked part time prior to the split and/or done the majority of the child care. So the best thing for the DC has been every other weekend and one overnight during the week with their Dad.

My ex has DC EOW plus 3 evenings per week (5.30-8 pm). It doesn't really work as it means DC doesn't get any settled time at home before bed. I'm hoping now that school is back that he might agree to change it a bit.

@ShinyGreenElephant

50/50 if the children are old enough and both parents are equally responsible/ involved and live close by. In reality I only know 1 out of maybe 20 sets of separated parents who do this, in the vast majority of cases the dad has every other weekend if that.

The last sentence of that post is the saddest thing I have read for a long time.

Kids need (and usually want)their Dads in their lives as much as their Mums.

Was doing some research into this (for a friend) I actually read quite a lot of evidence based research that 50/50 is not the best outcome for children because of the constant toing and froing between houses through the week. Especially for young children.

I would absolutely hate it and I feel like my kids would too, although they are young right now.
If both parents live close and the children are able to understand and keep track of what day they are where, then It probably works. But for young children it must be terribly confusing and discombobulating to chop and change so much through the school week especially.

I personally think the agreement should be based on case by case, everyone spouts about 50/50 but what if by genuine reason it’s not possible? What if the non resident parent works shifts or weekends for instance? What if they have a job which is very difficult to change etc etc

If me and my partner were to split I would want him to see them during the week but would want them to sleep at home (for school reasons) then spend time Quality with dad on alternate weekends. Perhaps on the weekends in between seeing him for a morning or dinner out etc?

I totally agree that keeping the relationship with the dad is really important (putting aside those arsehole crapbag fathers who do fuck all / are abusive tossers)

TLDR - Do what’s best for YOUR kids in your personal situ, not just what others think should happen

Shift work for both of us means my exH has the DC every Sunday (or finds childcare for the 1 in 4 he works) and two Saturdays a month. Rarely has them midweek, and makes excuses not to have them holidays. He had them just four nights over the Summer holidays (luckily I'm still furloughed). He even went back to work when their holiday abroard was cancelled rather than take the time off to spend at his home with the DC.

My DD (almost 12) isn't bothered but my DS (almost 10) would like to see him more. Out of sight out of mind though. 50/50 would never work or be in my DC best interest. They have stability and routine with me as primary and XH wouldn't want them that much anyway as it would impact on his social life.

I guess it depends on your relationship with XH/P.

@2020iscancelled

Was doing some research into this (for a friend) I actually read quite a lot of evidence based research that 50/50 is not the best outcome for children because of the constant toing and froing between houses through the week. Especially for young children.

I would absolutely hate it and I feel like my kids would too, although they are young right now.
If both parents live close and the children are able to understand and keep track of what day they are where, then It probably works. But for young children it must be terribly confusing and discombobulating to chop and change so much through the school week especially.

I personally think the agreement should be based on case by case, everyone spouts about 50/50 but what if by genuine reason it’s not possible? What if the non resident parent works shifts or weekends for instance? What if they have a job which is very difficult to change etc etc

If me and my partner were to split I would want him to see them during the week but would want them to sleep at home (for school reasons) then spend time Quality with dad on alternate weekends. Perhaps on the weekends in between seeing him for a morning or dinner out etc?

I totally agree that keeping the relationship with the dad is really important (putting aside those arsehole crapbag fathers who do fuck all / are abusive tossers)

TLDR - Do what’s best for YOUR kids in your personal situ, not just what others think should happen

What if the best thing for the kids is to stay with Dad and see Mum every other weekend? Why the assumption they need to be with Mum and not the Dad?

@Desperado24 depends on individual circumstances. It's usually the mum that is the SAHP (if there is one) while the child is young. In our case, we divorced when DS was 10 months old and I was a SAHP doing the bulk of the childcare. It would not have been in DS's best interests to spend a week at a time away from me at such a young age when he was used to being with me most of the time. Exh agreed. It has continued as DS has got older that I am the RP. It makes sense as I work part time, I live close to school and ex works full time shifts. If when DS gets older he decides he wants to spend more time at his dad's house that's fine but while he still needs picking up from school etc it works best this way.