Ideas needed for child care arrangements

[Stealthynamechange]

hi All

Not AIBU but posting for traffic, need ideas from the hive mind...

Im separated & divorcing ds dad, applying for school this year, just about to go to mediation as we live 45mins apart & need to argree school & contact.
At the min ds goes to preschool within walking distance of my house. Id like him to go to that school.
His dad works fri/sat/sun 12 hour shifts
I work mon - fri 34 hours, could reduce further if needed.
Current arrangement:
I have ds tues night, then thurs night through to sunday evening when his dad collects him 1845ish
I would prefer ds to see his dad every other weekend & one over night (weds) in the week when he goes to school.
However he may not change his shifts, so what is best for ds? I dont think its fair to pick him up at bedtime sunday to drive him 45mins away then back before school but perhaps im bu?
I want ideas to take to mediation please
His dad is a bully & makes various threats which have prevented me from claiming cms & i send him half chb & i pay all childcare costs. Im hoping to address this also.

Thanks all

please ignore the poll i forgot to turn it off !

Stop sending him half the Child Benefit!! Just stop!

I think it's probably better to ask him for ideas about how he can maximise the time he spends with DS once he goes to school as you will now be having EOW in order to have quality with him...

Unfortunately you have set a precedent with contact which the court may uphold.

I hope the court doesnt uphold that i need to continue sending chb!!
I want to discuss at mediation as prev threats inc not letting me take ds, stopping ds attending preschool, having ddog put down, claiming spousal maintence from me.

under current arrangement i have every weekend with ds which i love but doesnt seem fair.

The court will not uphold the financial side of things you are primary carer you have him 4 nights per week.

I would present it that when DS starts school he won't get much quality with DS and is it a possibility for him to look at changing his shifts to have EOW off or something. He may be happy as he is restricting you having weekends without DS that he thinks will stop you going out/meeting someone new.

He is a bully... he keeps DS from you and take it to court as an emergency hearing - will only look bad on him.

As he is abusive towards you mediation is not recommended!!! I would consider shuttle mediation.

Thank you, ive asked for shuttle mediation to give me space to think.

Bump for evening crowd thoughts please

So you are entitled to CMS as you are his primary carer as you have him more than half the nights of the week. You are also entitled to child benefit. Benefits are not shared and are payable to the person entitled to claim. If he wished he could put in a claim to child benefit who would then decide who should get it (you based on you being g primary carer). As you claim it he is not entitled to half. Nor would he be entitled to a share of tax credits etc if you were entitled to claim them. Nor is he entitled to pay any less CMS as a result of any benefit claim you make. You are then responsible for any childcare costs on your time and your ex on his time.

Spousal maintenance is rarely payable these days unless he can show he has been dependant on you for money
Could not survive without out it, you earnt significantly more than him and there was a joint choice e.g. he was a sahd and thus has no career. Even then it is likely it would be for a fixed period eg a couple of years.

The thing is though a child arrangement order - which is what I assume you are going for mediation for - would not deal with any money issues as money and contact are 2 separate things. You therefore need to prepare to deal with this separately. You can identify things that he has threatened - such as the arrangement order says the child must attend preschool, it will also give you set days / times for contact. Do ensure that the penal order is included in the arrangement order otherwise the police cannot act if he does not return your son at the correct time.

You need to get strong. Save the threats try to only communicate by email/written form so you have evidence. Be strong for your boy.

Given his dads working pattern I cant see how he could do EOW without changing his shits which he won't be expected to do. That would be his choice to make.

As his shifts stand I think the pattern is reasonable. Travelling 45mins to school / home each day is not ideal but many children do it even at primary so I dont think that would affect any court order. Are you thinking his dad will want him at school nearer to him? He's unlikely to get a school place 45mins from his primary address so so long as it is your address in the form that should be easier to solve.

Thank you for the advice & sorry for late reply.
Yes i think he wants him to have a place at a school near him & for him to have him sun to thurs. Im very scared a court would rule this.

All the more reason to sort it out now whilst you have more than 50% and are primary carer. Don't let him bully you just because he is used to that working.

I would speak to a solicitor and find out the best way to ensure you are primary carer now so that you have ultimate say in schools.

I would not say the distance is too far on a school day otherwise he can use that argument against you have midweek overnights if DS does end up in a school near him.

In some ways is it worth rocking the boat over contact and instead focus on you being recognised as primary carer entitled to maintenance? Are you ensuring that you are doing all medical appointments etc? Historically were you primary carer before you split?

If he has to travel to school etc and find childcare that is his problem not yours your son will adapt!

Thanks.
I think i need to let go of the sunday night issue.
I think its tricky, hes definitely a bully.
My solicitor suggested mediation, im really hoping we can agree school near me - the one whose preschool he attends. Hopefully arranging contact between us will be easier after that. I can't force him to change his shifts, thats his choice & i need to remember that.
I cant do anything else about main residency yet i dont think, although as ive had ds 4/7 for nearly 2 years i hope that helps.
Pre split i worked 8-6 mon- thurs, i did all the getting up in the night & mornings before work. However ex believes hes main carer because he works less days.
We spilt drs appts depending on when ds needed to go, some appts weve done together.

He could collect him Sunday night after work then do all the school runs Monday and Tuesday (keeping him overnight those two nights as well), dropping him at school Wednesday for you to collect.

Could you then arrange with work to do the bulk of your hours Monday and Tuesday, then reduce hours the rest of the week so you are around for school start/end.

Thats a good idea thank you :-)

Have you told your solicitor the full story of his bullying and manipulation? I’m thinking you’ve either not told her or she’s given you advice which you’ve chosen to ignore because you are so scared of the bully. But you need to stand up to a bully.

This is the first thing you need to address. If you tell your solicitor the truth and ask her which of his threats he can carry out (eg if you had mental health issues before and he says he’ll tell ss and have dc removed from your care, your solicitor can reassure you he is talking pish and no court will do this).

Your solicitor is key here. Mediation with a manipulator that nobody except you knows us a manipulator will not work. You will be more downtrodden. I know sometimes you need mediation to tick a box but tell your solicitor first the full story. And get help from womens aid. They deal with this kind of disgusting bullying behaviour all the time. They know your rights and the likely outcome of stuff.

Don’t give up OP. I know it seems like it’s easy to just do what he wants to shit him up but you’ve probably done that for years and the problems are still there. Doing what he wants isn’t the answer. Standing up to him with the backing of the law will work.

If you are main carer then you get to choose schools and he would have to take you to court to stop it.

I'm not sure alerting him to this is helpful.

Two years of doing 4 nights out of 7 and in receipt of child benefit and paying for all childcare- you are the primary carer.

Stop handing over child benefit, make a claim via CMS and be prepared to go to court if he withholds DS from you on your contact time. If he does this it will look bad on him in court.

What school he attends and future contact will be resolved by sorting the above out!

Thank you both.
We have had our individual mediation appts & waiting for joint appt - i now think its a mistake but hindsight is 20:20. I cant stop mediation now as it would look terrible.

Ive done the freedom programme.

My solicitor is aware hes a bully.
Fuck im really regretting going to mediation now.

Ok I would stick with the line

"I am primary carer and always have been"

If he takes it to court you have 2 years evidence of this. Also if he fought to be primary carer what is he going to do every weekend - hire a nanny????

Can you drop your DS to school Monday morning and your ex collect Monday afternoon and have him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night and drop him to school Thursday morning. Then you collect Thursday from school.

I don’t think a 45 minute school run is unreasonable if your ex isn’t working and drives.

He'd let me see ds then

Thats pretty much been his line since we split.
Gah!
I do have 2 years worth of evidence.
I cant believe im stupid enough to have started this. I should have left it, applied for school & let him take me to court.

@Grrretel if i did this hed say ds should go to school by him

What do you think would be best for your DS?

Going to the school here with his preschool friends, having me as main carer. Ideally with quality time with his dad every other weekend. If he doesnt change shifts i dont know how that would work.
Ive basically got myself into this mess because i want ex & ds to have quality time together. As well as wanting to stop sending him money. Without written agreement if he witholds contact i wont have any way to get ds back until ex allows it.

If he withholds DS you take it to emergency court - find out the process so you know what to do and how it works. Court would deal with it that day.

Go to mediation and stick to the facts

You’re main carer

Ds is established one peer group and best to stay with local familiar setting

You support dad having contact Sunday-Wednesday one week weekend the next

Then stop sending him money after mediation agreed and put a cms claim in