Ideas needed for child care arrangements

[Stealthynamechange]

hi All

Not AIBU but posting for traffic, need ideas from the hive mind...

Im separated & divorcing ds dad, applying for school this year, just about to go to mediation as we live 45mins apart & need to argree school & contact.
At the min ds goes to preschool within walking distance of my house. Id like him to go to that school.
His dad works fri/sat/sun 12 hour shifts
I work mon - fri 34 hours, could reduce further if needed.
Current arrangement:
I have ds tues night, then thurs night through to sunday evening when his dad collects him 1845ish
I would prefer ds to see his dad every other weekend & one over night (weds) in the week when he goes to school.
However he may not change his shifts, so what is best for ds? I dont think its fair to pick him up at bedtime sunday to drive him 45mins away then back before school but perhaps im bu?
I want ideas to take to mediation please
His dad is a bully & makes various threats which have prevented me from claiming cms & i send him half chb & i pay all childcare costs. Im hoping to address this also.

Thanks all

I meant the best thing for DS given the current circumstances eg that his dad can’t have him at the weekends.

Is his dad abusive to him or is he a safe & competent father?

From an outside perspective it wouldn’t make any sense for DS to go to childcare on a weekday when his dad isn’t working.

I think your argument would need to come down to why it would be really important for your DS to attend a school near you rather than his dad, and I would want to have a stronger argument than just having friends from preschool. Friendships are very fluid at that age and lots of children go to schools with no link to preschool.

I would think hard about why that school is in your DS best interests rather than the school near his dad, if his dad is most available on school days.

The school by me is ofsted outstanding & has a great reputation for building confidence & self esteem. None of the schools by ex are like this.
Im prepared to reduce my hours further to be available for pick up/drop offs etc & have had these conversations with my employer.
Ex lives with his dad & relies on him alot i believe. There have been issues in the past with ds which i should have but didnt report e.g. being left home alone with 2 dogs age 18 months. Ex living with his dad is a protective factor.
@thehop i think this is going to be the best option.

The obvious answer (because of your work shifts) is to have a school close to his dad and live there during the week?

Thats what he wants.
I do NOT want this to happen.

With the new information it is vital you state that you are primary carer and not allow him to do all weekdays with his Dad, what you have revealed is worrying

DS goes to pre school locally at the moment and you stick with the facts and that it currently works so there is no reason for him to not go to the local school.

You could offer to have DS for an additional school night each week in return for him having Those nights during school holidays instead DP overall its the same number of nights per year just a different split.

Thank you for all replies, very much appreciated.

You starters thread a few weeks ago about your DS being conceived by donor egg?

Oh I’m sorry OP, misinterpreted

not a problem @Decentsalnotime

Mediation tomorrow - ive got a few ideas 🤞🤞

I dont think it's fair to reduce his contact. The current set up seems perfect. He works weekends so cant have him weekends so I think that's unfair.
Also not understanding what childcare costs there are as it sound like you work few hours during the week and he doesn't work during the week, so surely one of yo two has him. Unless its preschool course paying for?

Financially, it's quite difficult as it's very nearly a 5050 split, you wouldn't be entitled to much child support I dont think, it really comes down to splitting costs, you need to go through expenditure and work out a fair distribution, you both should be out of pocket the same amount for raising your child.

Hi
I think you are misunderstanding im not trying to reduce his contact, i want to maximise quality time for us both.

Childcare costs were until ds was 3 & anything above his free hours i pay for.

Looking impartially school between the two of you may be best option. You take ds to school monday morning then your ex has him until friday morning then you collect him from school on Friday for the weekend. It's a good compromise and no reason you shouldnt go 50/50 care

How did mediation go?

Good luck for today. Hope your ideas are genuinely considered by him x

Thanks all
Positives: he agrees with the school by me, which is attached to current preschool.

He is fixed on court wanting ds sun night to thurs, he is unwilling to mediate. He told mediator he felt forced into going as it would look bad in court otherwise.

Im now freaking out about how to pay for court. I really wanted to avoid it.

Remember you have 2 years of being primary carer since you split and do not need to use childcare if he's at the local school.

Him asking to increase his nights and remove you as primary carer is very unlikely to succeed with the information you have shared here.

I think you need to think through school holidays.

How many weeks annual leave do you get? How many does he get?

You can make the offer to split school holidays 50:50 or 60:40 to his Dad so he can maximise having Quality time with DS that way.

Over all if you present reasonable suggestions whilst maintaining that you are currently primary carer and wish to remain so and see no need to change the status quo but are willing to offer him extra days during school holidays you will be seen to be reasonable.

Him insisting that he suddenly becomes primary carer instead of you does not come across as reasonable does it?

It's perfectly fine to have different term and school holiday patterns. It's clearly not in DS best interests to live farther away from his school and his friends and hobbies during term time when their are other alternatives.