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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children lucky you

69 replies

Pensionluckyyou · 03/09/2020 22:27

As a woman of a certain age I’ve accepted there are no children for me

Speaking to what I thought was an IFA about my pension options but turned out to be a introduction firm when asked about dependants I was told 'no children lucky you'

Now I’m not precious about my situation. Just seemed really crass to say such a comment within 5 mins of speaking to a potential client

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 04/09/2020 09:16

Yanbu, it’s never something that should be commented on positively or negatively. That was very unprofessional of them

Exactly. It's like on here when there's the 'am I pregnant' thread and there's armies of posters desperate to see a line where there isn't one and congratulating the OP on her pregnancy that she has given no indication would be a positive outcome for her.

It could be devastating news for all manner of reasons so surely people gushing about a possible pregnancy is going to be upsetting?

BarbaraofSeville · 04/09/2020 09:22

It's rude and it implies that children are government issued and not a choice

Grin

Like when people complain about the cost of childcare, sleepless nights, school holiday prices at Center Parcs, having to buy school uniforms etc etc.

It's like these inconveniences have been imposed on people against their will as opposed to being a consequence of their choice to have children. And yes I know that many pregnancies are unplanned and in that case it is also a choice to continue with the pregnancy.

OTOH obviously not being able to have children when they're very much wanted can also be devastating Flowers OP.

BashfulClam · 04/09/2020 09:40

Just don’t make comments that the easiest way rather than ‘oiling social interaction’. At a professional function with a colleague the social chat turned to ‘do you have any children?’ My colleague piped up ‘I have two but bashful hates kids...’ I had to compose myself as I would love children but it’s not possible. I had never said I hated kids she also said the stupidest thing parents say to people with no kids on a separate occasion. ‘You don’t understand because you’re not a parent!’ We we’re discussing train v bus!

AntiHop · 04/09/2020 09:43

A stranger should never make such a comment. Totally insensitive.

DalzielandPaxo · 04/09/2020 09:54

Totally ignorant. I’ve no doubt it was a thoughtless remark but it has been made by someone who has even slightly considered the fallout of such a remark.

You could have tried for years and been unsuccessful. Lost a child. It simply didn’t want them.

When will people learn not to comment on women’s wombs?!

greengreengrass14 · 04/09/2020 10:20

Yes it is hurtful and rude and unprofessional.
For all the person knows you might have been bereaved in a tragic accident.

I do wish people would stop judging like that it is not helpful

Original poster
Pensionluckyyou · 04/09/2020 10:22

Thanks all for making me feel better, thought I was over reacting

I've calmed down a bit now and I’ve now got a scheduled call with the IFA this afternoon.

I’m going to mention he's lucky I’m taking his call based on the introduction chat with his introducer.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:30

I have put my foot into it before...
DS went to a Catholic school, and one of his teachers said he had Six DC.
I said 'SIX?'.....I was just surprised as he looked so young and unfrazzled to be the dad of six DC.

But I realised how bad it must have sounded.

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:32

@greengreengrass14

Yes it is hurtful and rude and unprofessional. For all the person knows you might have been bereaved in a tragic accident.

I do wish people would stop judging like that it is not helpful

Exactly. Plus some women [and men] are unable to conceive, so it is a point of deep grief for them not to have a DC..Not ''Lucky'' at all.
DeliciouslyFemale · 04/09/2020 10:37

Oh BashfulClam, that's absolutely horrible. You really should speak out the next time some ignorant twonk comes out with crap like that. I have four children that came to me as young teenagers. They are mine in every way that counts and they feel the same. I still get asked why I did t want any of my ‘own’. This is why prefer working with animals.

sapnupuas · 04/09/2020 10:43

He was crass and it was unprofessional but he may have had a really bad time with his kids and said it instead of thinking it. I know I've definitely thought it before!

GabsAlot · 04/09/2020 10:55

i never wanted children but noone knows that -he shouldnt have made that comment

unicornpower · 04/09/2020 10:58

Yes that's horrible! It staggers me how insensitive people can be about children. DH and I are trying for a baby and we're almost a year in and have one loss to show for it :( obviously we aren't broadcasting this to everyone we know but the amount of times people say things like
'No children yet? best get on with it!'
'Just wait until you have kids, you won't be able to do that'
'Just relax and it will happen'
'Are you pregnant yet?'
'Have you tried...XYZ of pregnancy tips'

People don't realise that not having a baby/child isn't because you don't want them, especially if having kids has been a fairly quick and easy process for them. Its never anyone else's business what your womb is doing!

StillCounting123 · 04/09/2020 10:59

I went to optician once for eye test, got chatting to the optician who looked a similar age to me. I mentioned I have 5DC and she was quite rude about it, said there's no way she'd ever consider that as she enjoys her hobbies and free time. Confused she's entitled to her view, but I did think WTF is that to do with my DC! Plus, I have hobbies too!

amusedbush · 04/09/2020 11:01

@formerbabe

No they shouldn't have said that. I remember paying in a large cheque to the bank...it was from my late father's estate...the cashier looked at it and said "lucky you". So unprofessional
My FIL told DH during an argument that he should feel lucky to inherit a house because FIL had to get a mortgage and work hard to pay it off.

DH only inherited his grandparents' house because his mum died suddenly two years earlier, meaning her share of her parents' estate went to DH. "Lucky" is not something he feels and he has never forgotten that comment.

burntpinky · 04/09/2020 11:02

People can be so insensitive.

Conversely, some twonk in M&S (male) says congratulations every time I go in with my bump (currently 31 weeks) which I also think is inappropriate - for all he knows I’m just fat! It makes me feel very uncomfortable

jessstan2 · 04/09/2020 11:18

Very unprofessional of him to say that, all he needed to do was say nothing and tick whatever box when you answered her question. Unless he meant there is some financial advantage in your case.....but even so, it isn't something that should have been said.

Stupid young chap needs a course in customer relations and inter personal skills.

Never mind, all over now.

GreyishDays · 04/09/2020 11:22

Oh dear, he was just trying to be nice. It’s a bit awkward if you ask someone if they have children and the answer is no.

eaglejulesk · 04/09/2020 11:22

It was an insensitive thing to say, but I'm sure it was only meant in a jokey fashion and was said without thinking (and without malice). People really need to lighten up.

Florencex · 04/09/2020 11:28

I am 50 and childless with mixed feelings on the matter. I would prefer people passed no comment on my child-status.

But I probably would not let myself think too hard on this. Presumably he had asked about children, told there wasn’t any and felt he had to fill a gap in the conversation. I would probably prefer “lucky you” to “I’m sorry to hear that”. But no comment is definitely best.

sodabreadjam · 04/09/2020 11:29

Yes, it was a crass remark and you should feed back to the IFA so that they consider what they say to clients in future.

The postman once delivered court papers to me that I had to sign for. He was aware of where they came from and actually licked his lips while I was signing and said, "this is a bad letter for you". Presumably he thought I was being summoned for something criminal. A relative with dementia was having her affairs and finances taken over by the state and her appointed solicitor had to inform all family members via the court.

I regret not contacting Royal Mail to complain.

SerenDippitty · 04/09/2020 11:34

@GreyishDays

Oh dear, he was just trying to be nice. It’s a bit awkward if you ask someone if they have children and the answer is no.
Next time someone asks me if I have children I’ll lie and say I have. Can’t have people feeling awkward.
Kit19 · 04/09/2020 11:34

bloody hell - no you are not being unreasonable OP

as PP have said you could have tried for years to conceive and not been successful, you could have had miscarriages, you could have, god forbid, had a child that died

as im a stroppy middle aged childless (not childfree because its not my choice) woman, if he had said that to me, I would have replied with "why?"

bumblingbovine49 · 04/09/2020 11:49

@BoomBoomsCousin

Generally I think it's a phrase used to look on the bright side of things
  • No children? Lucky you!
  • 3 Children? How wonderful!
etc. Intended to be a validation of your personal situation, not a judgment on it.

This sort of small talk is an important part of oiling social interaction. People do get it wrong sometimes, and somethings just rub people the wrong way but there needs to be a bit of tolerance all-round or we'd end up with almost no social interaction at all and then we start to lose connection with and empathy for those we aren't immediately connected to.

Thank goodness for some sense. I really doubt the intention was to upset you. It was to foster a connection by giving you a positive message about something in your life. If it upset you I am truly sorry. I've had a many upsetting comments made it me about only children but I try to see that sometimes it is an attempt.to be nice. Not always but sometimes

so 'oh don't they get lonely?' not so nice '
as opposed to ' I've often wished I only had one!' being nice, even though this would still upset me a bit becauese I don't choose to have only one so would think ' what do you know?'

The first comment does not have good intentions, the second one might upset someone who is quite sensitive about the subject but is obviously not in any way intended to upset anyone.

I see the OPs example as the latter type of comment

Pelleas · 04/09/2020 12:14

I'm childfree by choice.

Although the comment wouldn't offend me, I'd think it was silly.

'Luck' didn't come into it. Remaining childfree is a matter of being meticulous about contraception during your fertile years, including using more than one method simultaneously if needed. It's not a matter of having unprotected sex and hoping you'll be 'lucky' enough not to get pregnant.

It's also a matter of being careful in your choice of long-term partner to make sure they're fully on board with remaining a child-free zone.

That aside, unless I knew someone was happily child-free, I'd never congratulate them on it or make other comments.

The appropriate response from the IFA would've been to fill in the form and move onto the next question.