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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guilt regarding MIL

32 replies

Verity35 · 03/09/2020 21:03

I’m feeling really guilty today regarding how I have treated my MIL. She is no angel by any means. She made my life hell when I first married DH and has always criticised everything about me to the point where I developed an obsession about food as she kept saying my pre-baby-body of size 8 was fat! However I am feeling especially guilty today and regret how I have spoken to her and treated her over the years. I really would love a better relationship with her but things have deteriorated to the point where it’s just “hi” and “bye” type of relationship. She’s very old now and I’m going to one day look back and regret my behaviour. I’m actually sat here now crying as I can’t imagine how I will feel when she dies.

I just wish things had been different. I wish I had thicker skin when she upset me. I just really wish I had a better relationship with her. I know deep down she cares very much for my kids and husband. My own mum couldn’t care less about my kids or me.

I don’t know how to improve my relationship with her. She makes me feel uneasy and on edge.

OP posts:

Lockdownseperation · 03/09/2020 21:04

From your description it doesn’t sound like your fault.

Paranoidmarvin · 03/09/2020 21:07

It gets harder when the person gets older. Lots of people see my mum as an old lady in her wheel chair. I still just see the narcissistic emotional abuser. But. As they get older you feel like you should do more because your expected to.

Original poster

Verity35 · 03/09/2020 21:08

I just feel I could have not taken her comments so seriously and just been able to laugh. She’s no different from any other older people I’ve seen. She has no filter but I think it’s her generation. I just think I could have made our relationship better. It’s nearly 10 years since I married DH.

OP posts:

Unsure33 · 03/09/2020 21:11

Perhaps just try slowly expanding conversation . Just gradually asking her how she is . Saying thank you for things she does ? .i lost both my in-laws this year and I miss them both .we had our moments but we settled down eventually and I know they were good parents to my husband .

picklemewalnuts · 03/09/2020 21:12

There's nothing to stop you turning it around. You can tell her how much you appreciate her love for DH and the kids. You can tell her your mother's lack
saddens you and that you wish you and she had got along better.

She is unlikely to change how she is with you, but you may both feel better about it.

Getyourselftopluck · 03/09/2020 21:14

Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Just because she’s older now doesn’t mean she didn’t treat you poorly.
Forget about the past and focus on making things better now if you want to, not just out of guilt

Ohtherewearethen · 03/09/2020 21:15

It's easy to start feeling sorry for people as they are and start depending on other people. They can appear a bit frail and helpless. Ultimately though, if she was a cruel young person she's now a cruel old person. All that's changed is her age.

Slumcat · 03/09/2020 21:16

Could you write her a letter, Saying what you’ve said in your post? If you get no response or improvement in relationship then you can be assured you’ve tried

Original poster

Verity35 · 03/09/2020 21:17

Thank you everyone. I just feel really bad today as I think she does have issues which I didn’t realise before. I don’t want to go into detail about it. But a part of me can understand why she’s been so insecure all these years. I don’t think she’s the monster I thought she was. I’ve been crying all day as I can relate to some parts of her personality. I just wish I hadn’t been so quick to anger these years. I know it was hard during that time but I haven’t ever had a maternal figure in my life and I’m sad I didn’t give her a chance.

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 03/09/2020 21:19

Tell her this. It’s not too late.

Anordinarymum · 03/09/2020 21:19

She made your life hell, and criticised your weight. Why would a parent want to do that to her sons wife?

She will not have changed.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/09/2020 21:20

It sounds worth investing the effort to turn things around - presumably if you've only been married for ten years, she could well be far from ancient and at deaths door!

Suggesting you were fat at size 8 seems OTT, but hopefully she has mellowed in the intervening years - and maybe wishing that your relationship was better too. Good Luck!

2020iscancelled · 03/09/2020 21:25

Tbh I do understand, I lost someone I didn’t have the best relationship with and I’ve spent a long time feeling guilt and shame at not trying harder.

All you can do is try, if it’s not reciprocated or it’s clear that she does not wish to improve your relationship then you will at least know that you made an effort and had the best intentions to move on from the past.

If I were you I would try some small gestures, you would know what she would appreciate but something like taking a small bunch of flowers next time, making an extra phone call to check on her / ask if she needs any shopping getting etc.

But remember, it isn’t all one sided, she hasn’t treated you well in the past so don’t allow yourself to be emotionally abused or treated like crap, it has to be both ways to improve a relationship

Laiste · 03/09/2020 21:26

Is there something else going on which might have triggered this OP?

I know the feeling you describe (my DM) but it's quite ... extreme to be suddenly in tears and feeling guilt and regret about a situation which has rumbled on for 10 years.

You were your normal self reacting to the way she treated you back then. You're still the same you and it's pointless feeling guilt or regret and beating yourself up over it because if you DID go back in time it would happen just the same all over again.

stovetopespresso · 03/09/2020 21:33

op this is a lovely opportunity to have a really good think isnt it, its so hard being a human sometimes, I have felt the same about my SIL. there's so much more we could all be doing but never get the chance, so I would say take it

DeliaOwens · 03/09/2020 21:38

OP, my sister is a psychologist and she says this type of feeling is often referred to as inappropriate guilt. But, just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are guilty! If you had done things differently, there is no guarantee that the outcome would have been different.

However this has brought you to a place where you may have a kind of reconciliation or at least an Entente Cordiale. Perhaps this can bring a kind of peace and harmony and you can do what is right, for both of you for her remaining years.

Fatted · 03/09/2020 21:39

I get it OP. My relationship with my own mum is difficult. For a long time I was angry with her about things in the past, then I kind of realised that she clearly has mental health issues. Since her mum passed away and I've had children, I feel like I understand her more. I understand why she did what she did, why she does what she does. But I still don't agree with it and I still feel anger etc. It's complicated.

My relationship with my MIL has been strained at times as well. There have been various serious health issues with her since the DC were little, basically she is living on borrowed time. I feel bad for DH that his mum is ill and that he has had to go through all of this. I have been there for her, because I see it as being there for him. But if I had to be brutally honest, I would be more sad for DH than her should the worst happen.

Erictheavocado · 03/09/2020 21:45

I've known my mil over 40 years. She has been unpleasant and, on occasion, downright nasty to me throughout the entire time. I've always been friendly towards her and have tried very hard to include her in our lives. To no avail. It's not a generation thing - her siblings are absolutely lovely and have welcomed me from day one. She ignores me and our dcs and that now extends to our dgc, her first and only great grandchild. So now, I ignore her. She is unwell and probably doesn't have many years ahead of her. Dh says she now feels remorse for her behaviour, but for me, it is too late. She may genuinely feel remorse, but my experience says she just wants to have someone who will run around after her and care for her. So that person won't be me. And, harsh as it sounds, I do not feel guilty.
OP, you must do what is right for you, but I would caution you to protect yourself before you rush into this. She may be older now, but she was ten years younger when she was being unkind to you. And 'issues', IMO, does not give anyone a freepass to be deliberately hurtful to anyone.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/09/2020 21:46

You sound very generous andcaring, OP. Be a bit friendlier to her if that will make you feel better. But don’t be hurt if she ignores your kindness. You will have doneyour best.

LondonerRandomName · 03/09/2020 21:47

I could have written your post. My MIL passed away and I regret exacly what you describe, that I could have been more tolerant and not taken things so much to heart. By the time I matured, and "grew", it was too late. She became too ill, mellowed, didn't have strength to her grandkids and died. I most regret that as a result of the broken down relationship, she didn't get to see her son and grandchildren more. She did not feel welcome to come to us (she was oversees). I cry over it sometimes still and wish I'd been more understanding/forgiving of her. She did say horrible unwarranted things but I could have taken it and perhaps just overlooked. It's a big regret as I cannot fix it.

I avoid MIL threads here as the threads seem sometimes so forgiving of most minor mistakes by MILs and it does remind me of my own lack of tolerance. I was never outright rude but showed indifference as I didn't want to engage with her. I could have tried harder and perhaps the relationship could have turned around. If it had not, at least I had tried, but I didn't. I wrote her off from the start, but I could have forgiven her and overlooked some stuff. It would not have been that hard.

You have a chance still. Please don't be sad. You can better it. There is time to reach out and fix it. Good luck c

QuiltingFlower · 03/09/2020 21:50

Just because folk are ageing doesn’t necessarily mean they are getting any nicer....

NataliaOsipova · 03/09/2020 21:53

How old are your kids? Why not encourage the kids to call/FaceTime her, make a picture for her, or send her a postcard when you go out somewhere? By the sound of it, she’d love that....and she will know that you are the one who made the effort to make it happen. Sounds like a small thing, but might be a start?

RoseTintedAtuin · 03/09/2020 21:53

It’s never too late but take it slowly as she needs to shift her perspective at her own pace.
You could do something nice like send her flowers thanking her for her support over the years and letting her know she’s appreciated. If you make little gestures with no expectations in return, she might feel she can work with you to develop your relationship.

MrsCat1 · 03/09/2020 21:54

I think as we get older we reach more of an understanding that we are all flawed and all make mistakes. There is time to change your relationship with MIL Op. Don't feel guilty - you can start to change this.

rwalker · 03/09/2020 21:57

I have a poor relationship with my dad .
But have recently though whats the point just want to draw a line under it and move on . The problems in the past just really don't seem to be that importance to me anymore.

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