Guilt regarding MIL

[Verity35]

I’m feeling really guilty today regarding how I have treated my MIL. She is no angel by any means. She made my life hell when I first married DH and has always criticised everything about me to the point where I developed an obsession about food as she kept saying my pre-baby-body of size 8 was fat! However I am feeling especially guilty today and regret how I have spoken to her and treated her over the years. I really would love a better relationship with her but things have deteriorated to the point where it’s just “hi” and “bye” type of relationship. She’s very old now and I’m going to one day look back and regret my behaviour. I’m actually sat here now crying as I can’t imagine how I will feel when she dies.

I just wish things had been different. I wish I had thicker skin when she upset me. I just really wish I had a better relationship with her. I know deep down she cares very much for my kids and husband. My own mum couldn’t care less about my kids or me.

I don’t know how to improve my relationship with her. She makes me feel uneasy and on edge.

I have those moment of guilt quite frequently until I have another interaction and I’m reminded why I kept my distance..

I wish things were better. I wish I knew how to handle conflict.

But ultimately I know I didn’t ask to be humiliated, slandered and abused and I don’t regret that I saved my relationship by keeping distance..

But I do wonder if there was a way I could’ve cut down losses while trying to rescue myself and my kids from her abuse

It's never too late to try and build a different relationship with her if that's what you want. Tell her a little bit about how you're feeling if you can, see what kind of response you get.

What’s made you start thinking about this? It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong.

I am sorry, OP. It's very hard to come to terms with this but sometimes your only peace can come from relinquishing the hope that things are ever going to change. I speak from experience when I say it's unlikely they will.

Perhaps your MiL is shrewd enough to realise that when someone treats her this way they are mirroring her own crap right back at her. Your behaviour was reactive. You were responding to her treatment of you, which is a different thing from deliberately trying to make someone else feel bad for your own gratification. This is what she did to you. Calling someone who has just given birth 'fat' is really not a kind thing to do to someone.

You say She has no filter but I think it’s her generation. I'm sorry, but that simply isn't true. She also doesn't have to be a monster for you to want to defend and protect yourself from her. Having someone constantly chip away at your self-esteem is an emotionally debilitating experience, and you reacted as any normal person could be expected to react.

You say you didn't give her much of a chance, but she never seems to have given you one. A bit of distance isn't a churlish punishment of such a person, it's self-preservation. I'd proceed with caution, or she might just remind you of exactly why you keep a civilised distance.

You're feeling guilty because someone made your life hell? I think your guilt is misplaced, she should be feeling guilty for the way she's treated you!

I've cut contact with my narcissistic mil and her enabling husband and it's been over a year. I've had to put up with their behaviour for 23 years. The digs, the slights, ignoring the kids etc.
It feels wonderful and I don't regret it at all.

sorry to be blunt but shes a bitch she hasnt changed she just got older-just because shes nice to her son doesnt make her a saint