To feel so robbed

[Itsfunny]

My only child has autism,I've never had the joy of cuddles,giggles,tickles, the magic of his imagination, parenting has been one big heartache

i couldn't wait to be pregnant, he was such a wanted baby after a long time trying to conceive. The baby that arrived cried everyday,wouldn't respond to anything and hated being touched.he grew into a strong tall child,who hits and grabs me and who has very limited understanding due to severe learning disabilities that Autism has also cruelly given him.
I look around and see mums much older than I was when I had him with bouncing active chatty normal kids and see the love they give each other,see these beautiful bonds which I'll never have. I feel such jealousy,anger rage,sadness torment at times that I just want to run away. Why us?we weren't old,we didn't have autism in our families,I are healthy looked after myself in pregnancy.
I hate that I feel like this and would never wish anything on anyone but it's so hard to see young babies and children of family and friends surpassing milestones my now school child never met and unlikely ever will.
I wanted a baby so much,the irony is I'm going to spend my life looking after one which will never grow up. I feel robbed,motherhood has destroyed me.

I've never reported a post before on MN and did it for the first time after reading the horrific reply from @rosiejaune. The poster clearly has autism herself (said so in another thread) and is projecting a lot of unrelated personal anger onto this thread.

OP, ignore the PP who are just being vile.

Some of us do have empathy, and completely understand how you feel.

Don't let people who stigmatise the services available to you stop you from looking for support resources. It happens all too often where parents become burnt out because they feel that it's their burden to bear only, when there's support available at home and outside of the home.

No one says "hey, I signed up for this", because it isn't what any one thinks of when they conceive a child that they really wanted. No one wants their child to suffer, and no one wants to suffer when they have dreams and ideas of how life should be.

I hope you get the support you need OP, because most people are lovely. Most people do care. Don't let the small vocal minority of people make you feel bad.

Yeah, let's delete the autistic person's post because they object to people hating their neurology.

@rosiejaune we want your posts deleted not because of autism but because you are been spiteful and nasty to OP who is clearly struggling. Why do this? You’re coming across as a vile bully.

Rosiejaune you are an arse. My son is also autistic and I don’t think it’s fair at all to accuse the OP of hatefulness towards autistic people. That’s ridiculous.

OP. My youngest son is autistic and I spend all my life walking on eggshells and worrying about his future, and he’s high functioning- in mainstream school with fluent speech etc and it’s still tough going - I feel for you.

@BubblyBarbara

I sympathise in a mild way as I had two daughters and always felt I missed out by never having a boy.

What the fuck have I just read? @BubblyBarbara (are you the same person as BusyBarbara, that would explain a lot) how can you even think that is remotely comparable. FFS

There is a difference between struggling with parenting challenges, and hating autism, which the OP and other posters have said they do, and various other things (including people talking about considering killing their child etc).

It is not uncommon to see threads like this, and everyone always blames the issues they are experiencing on autism, like it is cancer or something. There is nothing inherently bad about being autistic. You cannot claim to love someone if you hate what makes them who they are.

If the OP is struggling, imagine what it's like to live in a society where it's fine for hundreds of people on repeated threads to express dislike (at best) for the way your brain is wired.

This is why we die early, are un/underemployed, have mental and physical health issues, are rejected by society, etc. But yeah, I'm the hateful one...

Who brought you up rosiejaune ? How did they get along?
Seems like you can talk. You can certainly read and write posts on Mumsnet. I think I saw you on another thread talking about using the bus, so that's another skill you have.
How would you or the person/ people feel who brought you feel if you couldn't do any of those things?
I highly doubt OP''s son will ever be able to write a post like yours on an internet forum.

You are being hateful by accusing the OP and all the rest of us who care for very much loved children of them being an "inconvenience"

It is vileness like you are spewing that makes it harder for people to open up and be honest about how they are coping or not in such difficult circumstances.

If people don't have an outlet to share their honest and totally valid feelings the results can be and are catastrophic.

I've reported you too. Just because you have have autism doesn't give you the right to sneer at the OP or make her feelings any less valid. I am embarrassed for you and pity your lack of empathy.

@rosiejaune you may have Autism or you may be a complete troll who knows.if true you clearly have an autism which has gave you a voice and reasoning(questionable as it is),clearly you do not fall into a category of autism which my son and lots of other posters children have fit under,severely Autistic with learning disabilities which cause many challenging and unmanageable behaviours that make life extremely difficult for the whole family including my son.you may or may not have Autism,but you are wrong in thinking I hate my son if I hate his Autism.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had some truly appalling (and also plain ignorant) responses, OP, along with the helpful ones.

Your beautifully written description is utterly heartbreaking:

“Like you said theres nothing anyone can say.i think I would have handled this better if I'd had the right loving support around me instead of being left to fend for myself like a scared wounded animal carrying his precious hurt baby trying to find his path home.”

It sounds so incredibly hard and sad. I can’t find adequate words to respond, but you are heard here.

I'm not going to read the thread. But sorry you have had dome unhelpful responses. My child is like yours. Autistic and severely learning disabled. She will likely never speak or communicate beyond reaching for what she wants. She will never be toilet trained. But shes 10 now and currently deeply loving and affectionate. Something I feared I would never experience as she would barely let us touch her when she was young. I suspect she has severe sensory processing issues.
I don't know how old your child is but we have good and bad periods. The good look very different to an nt good. Our lives are different, smaller, we will always do a lot of care activities that we never expected to do this long. And the cycles of grief continue. But we also get other things. Huge joy in small things. Tiny accomplishmets that are sweeter for being unexpected or hard won. And disability has weeded the dross out of our lived. There is no greater bullshit detector than a disabled child. Bullshit people bullshit things. Disability made me honest with myself. What I really enjoy, who I really like. And who really loves me. Finding that out has been incredibly hard at times. But looking back I realise now how much time and energy I spent on things that dint matter. And how often I didn't see the things that actually do. That part I'm grateful for.
I'm sorry its currently really hard for you.

[quote Itsfunny]@rosiejaune you may have Autism or you may be a complete troll who knows.if true you clearly have an autism which has gave you a voice and reasoning(questionable as it is),clearly you do not fall into a category of autism which my son and lots of other posters children have fit under,severely Autistic with learning disabilities which cause many challenging and unmanageable behaviours that make life extremely difficult for the whole family including my son.you may or may not have Autism,but you are wrong in thinking I hate my son if I hate his Autism.[/quote]
"Severely autistic" is problematic (and inaccurate) terminology. Autism is a spectrum, yes. But it's not a straight line with mild at one end and severe at the other.

It's more like a bicycle wheel, where each spoke is a skill, and each autistic person can be anywhere between the centre and the edge of the wheel on any individual spoke.

I may be articulate online, but in real life I struggle a lot. And there is no support for people like me, because it's assumed we can just get on with it.

Whereas some people who appear similar to your son in youth have grown up and taken part in society when they were enabled to communicate in a way that met their needs. Perhaps you just haven't found that way yet. Or perhaps there is no way, and the outlook is much as you assume it will be.

But either way, you are wrong about autism causing his learning disabilities. There may be a common genetic cause for both his autism and his learning disabilities. But autism does not cause learning disabilities. So stop conflating the two, and saying you hate it, when it is just a variation of neurology that makes millions of people who they are.

RosieJaune you are so far past the line of what is acceptable or decent with your posts. Please leave thread or ask yourself before you post: is this helpful or kind to say to someone upset? Whilst what you're saying might be your truth, this thread is not the place to express it.

OP I don't know you, but I genuinely hope you're ok. I fortunately haven't been given the same load to carry so I can't say I know what you're going through but I am certain I would feel exactly the same as you if I was.

My son is like yours OP. Severely autistic, non verbal, in nappies. He also has muscular dystrophy on top. Our lives are fucking hard and I will admit that. We have no family who can 'cope' with him so it's just us.

I'm so sorry OP, sorry for all you are coping with.

Please ignore any posters saying unhelpful or unkind things.

I really hope you will get the support you need.

I think maybe @rosiejaune’s post may be borne out of exasperation and despair at people’s reaction (in RL) to her own condition and situation??

To all the many lovely ,decent ,kind people who have came on this thread,those who have autistic children and those who dont but have felt the need to reach out in response to my post,thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences, your well wishes, your sympathy and kindness.i cant begin to tell you how much you have all helped me today.my heart has been so heavy for so long, today sharing the burden with strangers has made it feel a little lighter.may you all find peace and happiness.

Then keep posting whenever you need to, itsfunny - there’s always someone here.

Agree, keep posting, keep talking most of us on here get it. You need somewhere to scream and people to listen which can be impossible irl, but not here.

@Itsfunny

I don't have any direct experience of autism but I knew a child like yours when I was a girl. It was horribly hard on his mother, who would never be able to see her child develop like others and whose life was given over entirely to his care. Robbed is a good word to use.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I was moved by your posts and to wish you all the very best.

I truly hope that you can ignore any vile posts like the ones from RosieJaune or flippant ones such as those from BubblyBarbara.

I've a very good friend whose son has severe non-verbal autism. I don't doubt that it is unbelievably difficult and sometimes must seem impossible.

It sounds a bit like you need to grieve for the life you had expected, wanted, aimed for. I hope you can find the space, time and compassion to do that. Sending you all the best, OP.

OP, I don't have anything profound to say but I really felt for you reading your posts.
I truly hope that your life gets easier.

OP I wish you every step towards you and your family's happiness.
Some people's ignorance is shocking.
You're doing brilliant to reach out in such a loving and articulate way.