To feel so robbed

[Itsfunny]

My only child has autism,I've never had the joy of cuddles,giggles,tickles, the magic of his imagination, parenting has been one big heartache

i couldn't wait to be pregnant, he was such a wanted baby after a long time trying to conceive. The baby that arrived cried everyday,wouldn't respond to anything and hated being touched.he grew into a strong tall child,who hits and grabs me and who has very limited understanding due to severe learning disabilities that Autism has also cruelly given him.
I look around and see mums much older than I was when I had him with bouncing active chatty normal kids and see the love they give each other,see these beautiful bonds which I'll never have. I feel such jealousy,anger rage,sadness torment at times that I just want to run away. Why us?we weren't old,we didn't have autism in our families,I are healthy looked after myself in pregnancy.
I hate that I feel like this and would never wish anything on anyone but it's so hard to see young babies and children of family and friends surpassing milestones my now school child never met and unlikely ever will.
I wanted a baby so much,the irony is I'm going to spend my life looking after one which will never grow up. I feel robbed,motherhood has destroyed me.

@yolio

Does anyone know why ASD is so prevalent now?

Perhaps it is diagnoses now. So feel for you, I have a nephew with ASD and Cerebral Palsy, but he walks and talks, is in Secondary School, and is doing great. There is light.

My nephew is the most lovely guy. Focus on the kid.

A generation ago most would indeed have been institutionalised. I have met many clearly autistic older people who had spent decades shut away.

@Bouncingbelle - exactly what I feel and posted.

I do wonder sometimes if people type this kind of comment to get a reaction and if so I rose to the bait this time.

Yanbu at all. It's unbelievably shit. My autistic ds is only 2, and I'm so terrified that he will always be this way, only bigger and stronger. I've thought about ending it for both of us. It's truly desperate. I don't even know how to respond when people tell me "oh, but they're really clever people aren't they?"

I've posted on here before about the despair I feel and been told chin up, it's not a death sentence. Unfortunately many people don't realise there are fates worse than death. And maybe it's not a death sentence but it's a life one.

YANBU. My child has autism and I have gone through many periods of jealousy and sadness, these feelings are normal but it's heartbreaking.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable to feel robbed, because you have been and so has he

Not unreasonable and there are many of us who understand how you feel, I include myself in that group. My son is 7, non-verbal and while he is the light of our lives it's impossible not to grieve for what he - and we - didn't, don't and won't experience. Sending you strength and solidarity, I'm only a PM away if you want to let off steam.

YANBU, I used to feel the same. My boy is very much like yours. I met my partner last year but otherwise I've raised him, and his twin, on my own from the get go. It is indescribably hard.
I did grieve for who I thought my boy would be and for life I'd thought we'd have. I had to let it go. I had to work really hard to let that go. Every day was hard enough without having those intrusive thoughts as well. I've accepted this is what it is and try and work with the positives, there aren't many but there are some!
I celebrate our little milestones. Yesterday he gave me the keys before we went to leave the house. I couldn't have been happier.
But the other day I cried because I'd had a foot in my face when I was changing him and he was climbing over me and he hurt me (accidentally). He's very big for his age due to a genetic disorder and I struggle to manoeuvre him. I'm exhausted physically and mentally but every single day, I get up and do it all over again. Because he's my son, my baby and I worship him.
He has a SW and we've been granted the funding for a PA for respite, but the guilt of leaving him is too overwhelming. He is at a wonderful SEN school and he's coming along well in his own way. I know he will have to either live with me forever or in a residential place. I hate the thought of both.
I've come to hate the pity, the "I'm so sorry" and people saying life is cruel and they 'don't know how I do it'. I do it because he's my son and I love him and it's what we do as parents.
Don't beat yourself up over your thoughts OP, but try not to live there, as you will miss the good moments and we need to grab them when we can.

@Russellbrandshair

Oh OP I am so sorry. You are grieving the loss of the motherhood experience you hoped for but will not have and it’s ok to feel the way you do. In fact, it’s healthy to say it and get it out.

Life fcking sucks sometimes. I lost my mum at a young age and she never got to see my children, never got to see me get married, I cry for her often because I lost her so early and every time I cry I feel like that motherless child all over again. That’s not how I wanted my life to be, not how I thought it would turn out. But it’s how it is and there is nothing I can do about it. So I recommend you grieve this loss, be kind to yourself, support yourself and nurture yourself and if you can, get some counselling to work through this stuff.

Then, there comes a point where you kinda stop fighting it. It just feels easier to drift with the tide rather than constantly trying to swim against it because it’s utterly exhausting. Yes, your life isn’t how you envisioned it, so many of our lives aren’t. But that doesn’t mean you cannot experience joyful times, find peace in what you have and find a place of acceptance where you acknowledge what you have lost but you can still carry on with a different future than the one you thought you’d have. 🌹

With respect, whilst many people's lives aren't how they envisioned it, not everybody's is as relentlessly hard as the OP's, which makes it quite difficult to accept and carry on. I say this as someone who had a parent die when I was a child and as the parent of somebody with autism and a learning disability.

I'm so sorry and can only say I understand a bit. I grieve for my ASD son in his early 20s now. It feels such a waste thinking of what he could have been and it's hard when people say there are always good things and it will get better, and then it gets worse. I so wanted to understand why - it is a nightmare that you never think is going to happen to you.
I hated the Holland poem - because Holland is nice! The Beirut one is much more closer to how it is. The times I've been told only special parents get these special children. Puke! I have gradually come to realise just how different my life is and I suppose it has become 'our normal' with time. But the pain never goes and it's hard to be honest with most people as it somehow feels wrong to say how awful it is. The loss of friends and the pain of watching some friends get so much help, emotional and practical, from grandparents and yet you get no family support yourself, and need it so much more, feels extra unfair.

My DS did go to a residential school but half way across the country because his special school couldn't manage and he is now in a residential home. It has been utterly soul destroying but now we have some rest especially as we near 60 and don't have so much energy.
We enjoy visiting and he likes to see us. He has 1:1 support day and night and seems much happier in a structured environment away from the stress of a family struggling to cope. Changing nappies up to 5 times through the night and bathing getting shit out of hair, off windows took me to a very dark place. (I had to tell myself as I cried that no one would choose this and it was OK to cry)
I hope you have some comfort from the support you have had on here when you have been so honest and that you will receive more help that you deserve so you can make the best out of such a hard postition and can in time find services that suit you and your son.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it sounds really tough.

I’m sure you are doing a fantastic job, even if you hate it. I have no advice, I really wish I did.

Gosh this thread does highlight the ignorance of so many people though, it’s so frustrating. You’ve had some terrible advice on here OP - that one about having another baby nearly made me choke on my peppermint tea! And as if that stupid Holland poem will help when you’re changing what feels like the millionth nappy. I’ve not read the Beirut one, although it sounds more up my street. I hope you can find some solace in the helpful people and you aren’t alone. X

I sympathise in a mild way as I had two daughters and always felt I missed out by never having a boy.

Do you really think this is in any way equitable to the OP's situation or helpful?

@bubblybarabara no you actually cannot be serious surely

Have reported the rosie post so please don't quote it any more. Hope it will be removed.

rosiejaune
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever read on MN.

This woman loves her child, but surely you can see that she is pleading for help?
No one "gives their child away and starts again with a new one".

rosie you should hang your head in shame. That is the vilest post I have ever seen on Mumsnet. Shame on you.

[quote pilotsprincess]@bubblybarabara no you actually cannot be serious surely[/quote]
My thoughts exactly..

I cannot believe I am typing a response to it but here goes:

I don’t know if you personally have an autistic child and whether you feel able to have more children after them but your experience and opinions on the topic are not absolute truth. Your personal situation is specific to yourself. Let other people choose what is best for them.

Believe it or not there are many families who have autistic children and then have more children. I hope you don’t judge them in your head (or even overtly?) in the same way you choose to respond on this thread.

The fact that you have a disabled child doesn’t mean you have to stop your life.

Having a neurologically normal child is a thing which OP seems to crave. She might be able or want to experience it and she might not - but hopefully judgment from people like yourself won’t inform her decision.

@rosiejaune it's people like you who have made my life even harder.shame on you.i love my child so much,his condition I do not love
Hope you feel please with yourself for whatever pleasure you gained in trying to hurt me.im already broken.

@Itsfunny I've reported the cruel and offensive post.
I am sending you nothing but love, hugs and solidarity sister. Also walking a mile in the same shoes.