Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend hates that I'm friends with her boyfriend?

28 replies

Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 19:56

I met my friend, M, through her current boyfriend, R. At that time we were all friends and occasionally my friend joked that she thought R had a bit of a thing for me. It meant nothing to me because I had no feelings for him and he never voiced them. Also, nice as he is, he is quite an odd guy. My friend M always joked she could never see him in a romantic way and I used to agree.

Anyway 3 years later he declared his undying love to M. At first she rejected him, saying 'come on, its R!'. But 3 months later had a change of heart and now they have been together for a year.

However whenever I stay overnight with her she'd make jokes that R had a thing for me, she said it about 3 times during one visit until I asked her to stop. It wasnt nice seeing this jealous side to her.

When lockdown started I heard from M every week, we'd have long phone calls. This went on until about a month ago. During the past month R and I have been in touch, as I wanted to send her something for her birthday and he helped me decide what to get etc. He also asked my advice on a couple of things, as friends do (just work stuff.

I have messaged her 3 times, including a birthday message which has been read with no reply. I now suspect she is treating me this way because of my communication with her boyfriend. I dont know for sure obviously. What can I do, if anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:02

I really value my friendship with M but I also dont see why I should have to stop talking to R (who I only talk to every few weeks as it is).

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 03/09/2020 20:08

Sounds complicated she is very insecure if she has reasons to believe he is in love with you then she should finish it not say it to tease it's embarrassing for you.
3 is a crowd if this much emotion is involved
I'd walk away before I was pushed.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:11

I consider her one of my closest and most important friends. I would miss her terribly if I lost the friendship. And doesnt she feel the same way?

The fact is, I never see him anyway (once in a blue moon) so I dont see why it is an issue. He is mad about my friend and was just telling me how much last week!

OP posts:
CitizenFame · 03/09/2020 20:15

It sounds like you're relishing in it a bit, tbh, and sound quite boastful about the situation. So I can't imagine how friend "M" must be feeling.

EmotionalFlood · 03/09/2020 20:18

She sounds hard work... seems like she can't cope with her boyfriend being friends with another woman, perhaps not just you... also, why would she keep telling you he has a thing for you? That's just creepy and obsessive? You either ignore this or ask her outright what is wrong?

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:18

You are wrong. I am not relishing in a single thing. Ffs. I have posted because I want advice on how to handle it.

It is almost as though it was fine for me to be friends with him while we were all just friends, but not now that they are together.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/09/2020 20:18

Well she obviously feels it is an issue and she's jealous. I'd take a step back from both of them for a while and let them sort things out between themselves. I don't think you've done anything wrong and she sounds very insecure.

nannytothequeen · 03/09/2020 20:19

I introduced a friend to her boyfriend. He was a very close friend of mine from a different part of my life. They are now married with 2 children. I haven't seen him in years - she effectively told him that he wasn't to see me anymore. There has never even been a hint of anything between us. He didn't even get in touch when my mum died or when I got divorced or when I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Nor was I invited to the wedding. Loads of my other friends were from both circles. Effectively I have been excluded from two of my friendship groups - school and uni . And I cannot see that I did a thing wrong. I have since moved overseas that this was quite the factor in my decision - I had little to lose friendship wise because I had already been largely excluded from some longstanding groups. I guess that the lesson for me is not to get mixed up in complex relationships when you have a lot to lose.

hastingsmua1 · 03/09/2020 20:21

I had a friendship like this.....back in school!

Tbh I don’t think your friendship can really “recover” unless they split up. You haven’t done anything wrong, she’s just insecure and thinks she’s 2nd best compared to you. Nothing you say will ease her mind, because she thinks he has feelings for you. It’s up to him to reassure her.

CitizenFame · 03/09/2020 20:25

@Lizzie523

You are wrong. I am not relishing in a single thing. Ffs. I have posted because I want advice on how to handle it.

It is almost as though it was fine for me to be friends with him while we were all just friends, but not now that they are together.

I am giving you advice. If you're so sure that the advice I'm giving is "wrong" then why did you ask for it?
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:32

I am sorry to hear that @nannytothequeen. That is a really sad situation and I'm sure you must miss your friend!

My options as I see it are:

  1. give space, hope she comes around. If not get in touch and ask what is wrong (but is she likely to admit to it?)

  2. stop replying to his messages completely (which are infrequent anyway). I would hate to do that and he would wonder why, but if it means keeping my friendship with M

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:35

It is just stupid. Even if he did have a mild crush on me back then, what he feels for M is serious. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 03/09/2020 20:36

2 and tell him why .

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:42

Hmm @Chickychickydodah I dont think I'll be able to keep the friendship with M if I say 'btw R cant speak to you anymore because M is insecure and jealous' 🙂

OP posts:
VictoriousSockPuppet · 03/09/2020 20:44

Is there not an option 3? Tell her that you and he aren't interested in each other, remind her he loves her and repeat.

@CitizenFame
I didn't see any advice in your comment, it was just nasty.

doadeer · 03/09/2020 20:46

I would just have an honest conversation with her and emphasise how much you value her friendship and how much R loves her. I think you can save the friendship.

CitizenFame
You were just mean, you offered zero advice and OP is clearly upset and cares about her friend.

2020iscancelled · 03/09/2020 20:48

I’d send her an honest message along the lines of...

“I’m guessing from your lack of replies that I have done something to upset or anger you, I am sorry if I have and I’d really like to talk so that I can understand what it is that has upset you. I really value your friendship and it’s upsetting to think that you are mad with me...”

Then I’d wait and see.
If I got no reply then I’d draw a line and walk away from her. I imagine if they break up she will come
Crawling back.

If she wants to reply this gives her an opportunity to reach out and talk things through, it’s unlikely she’ll admit to the reason (if it is to do with R).

She sounds insecure, needy, immature and self centred and tbh if she can treat you like this after years of friendship then you aren’t really losing out.

redcarbluecar · 03/09/2020 20:52

She does sound insecure. Hard as it is, I think you need to step back a bit - let the friendships go where they will. It may be that their relationship compromises your friendships with them; it may just be that some space is needed. This has happened to me twice (couple who I introduced getting together) and became surprisingly difficult for me on both occasions.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 20:57

@2020iscancelled that sounds like a good option. I hope we could at least then talk it out. No problem with giving some space but if it becomes clear that is looking permanent, then yes I will say something.

Since I have known her she has fallen out with 2 friends. The second friend said 'no wonder you lose friends'. She also has long standing friends she would do anything for though.

She actually told me how insecure she could be when she was single and I said I was surprised because she seems so confident and independent. She said it was often just for show.

OP posts:
Serin · 03/09/2020 20:59

If someone treated me like this I wouldnt want to continue a relationship whether they were a good friend or not.
Cant abide drama queens.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 21:04

The thing is, she hasnt come out and said why she is giving me the cold shoulder. And she knows fine well how pathetic it sounds. Which makes it hard to broach.

I spoke to a close friend about it, who said she thought it was unacceptable her making comments about him liking me. What am I meant to say to that? In fact I have just remembered she also joked 'well you can't have him'. As if I want him!

OP posts:
TenDays · 03/09/2020 21:04

Leave her to it. She has decided to cool the friendship it's out of your hands.

Maria53 · 03/09/2020 21:24

I dont understand it. What can possibly have changed when I havent seen her for 6 months?

She was physically separated from R until recently, so it makes me feel like I was good to keep her company on the phone because he wasnt around. She was even considering leaving him a few months ago.

I sent her something for her birthday and a quick message to see if it arrived because it should've by now. The fact she has not been in touch is so rude in my opinion. I've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 03/09/2020 21:26

Duplicate account sorry. I sometimes post about work issues under a different name.

OP posts:
hastingsmua1 · 03/09/2020 21:39

I think you have to phase her out now. Don’t let people treat you like shit, real friends don’t treat each other this way - she’s ditched you for her bf in the worst possible way. She doesn’t see you as a friend, she sees you as competition for her man and is willing to throw away your years of friendship together. Just leave them to it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread