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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please give me your advice / thoughts

46 replies

Whatdoido101 · 03/09/2020 19:43

Hi all,

I know I’m posting in the wrong topic, maybe I am after some harsh comments? I don’t know.

Back story.
9 years ago, I was told I couldn’t have children. I was in a verbally and financially abusive relationship (that I realised a year later) anyway, I miraculously fell pregnant.

I felt I couldn’t terminate as this may be the only time I could have children.

I told my EX and he didn’t want to know. I gave birth to my daughter and couldn’t have been happier.

He then came back in the scene. I put his name on the birth certificate as I wanted my daughter to know who her father was.

He said he didn’t want to know her until she had a ‘personality’

He wanted to be in her life from a year and a half onwards. No maintenance paid (I was too scared to to do it through CMS) tried mediation (he had me up the wall by the throat) anyway, I agreed to him access two days a week to begin with which then went into every other weekend too.

DD would come home upset / in tears with what her dad had said etc that I left him and I would leave her too....

My DD is now 8. I went through CMS 2 years ago (got the courage by my lovely DP) and he hasn’t been paying.

My DD doesn’t want to see him. He says she HAS to and if she doesn’t, mean people will take her away. I’ve reassured her and told her that her voice matters and even though I tell her that she has a choice, seeing her dad is important.

It’s all kicked off again this afternoon. He said he will pick her up from school early so she has to spend time with him.

The school are aware of police involvement (due to him stalking and sending threatening letters)

I’m so worn out. I WANT her to have a good relationship with her dad but I need to show her that it’s not right for people to tell you what to do if you don’t like it.

There’s so much more to this story but I didn’t want to bore you all with 8 years worth!!

Do I turn up on the day and take her (we’ve had an issue once before where he pushed me in the school playground) or let him pick her up?

Please be gentle.

Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoido101 · 03/09/2020 19:46

Just to add, no court order in place as I can’t afford it and when I asked about child support. He said he will give £3 a week but wants receipts for why I’ve bought.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/09/2020 19:47

Your daughter has only you to protect her. She's making her wishes very clear. You need to listen to her or she'll lost trust in you.

mbosnz · 03/09/2020 19:48

I think you and your DP need to turn up early.

Original poster
Whatdoido101 · 03/09/2020 19:50

Thank you both.

This is what I want to do @mbosnz but I don’t want legal repercussions

OP posts:
parietal · 03/09/2020 19:51

Tell the school. Ask them to talk to her & ask if she wants to see her dad. That will give independent evidence that she doesn't.

Then pick her up & keep her.

Sunflowertall · 03/09/2020 19:53

That's the best advice there. She's made it totally clear what she wants. You have a duty to protect her and unfortunately she has an abusive father who has turned his gaze to her. I work in schools. If you call and tell them as much as you feel able to and request that she isn't released to him they are likely to support you.

Really sorry you are having to deal with this x

Dazzedandconfused · 03/09/2020 19:55

You need to protect your daughter from this man. He sounds like a horrible piece of work. She is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to see him and from what you've described it sounds as though he is emotionally abusive to her already.
It sounds like him being part of her life is detrimental for you and your daughter. For the sake of £12 a month I wouldnt subject your daughter to him. Once she is older she can choose to see him if she wants but I would give her the power to decide.

OhCaptain · 03/09/2020 19:56

There will be no legal repercussions.

He’ll have to take you to court to get access. Collect your daughter early (or keep her home?) and honestly, I’d stop all communication with him and await a solicitor’s letter.

I really would.

You can get legal aid (where I am, not sure about U.K.) if you can’t afford a solicitor.

RedHelenB · 03/09/2020 19:57

I'm usually saying to maintain contact with the Dad but in this instance I would stop it. Let him.proceed through court if necessary. Bear in mind though, as he has pr through being on the birth certificate and there is no court order, he is legally allowed to pick her up from school at any time.

Original poster
Whatdoido101 · 03/09/2020 19:58

Thank you.

Of course I want to protect her. She’s my one and only.

I just don’t know what I can do in terms of the legal system to protect her.

I will listen to her and prepared to pick her up when he says he will after school. But why if he turns it around saying I’m stopping this and she is being brainwashed????

I’ve tried SO fucking hard for them to have a relationship. Never said a bad word about him but she is picking up on it all FROM HIM.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/09/2020 19:58

@Sunflowertall legally a school cannot support her in that way without a court order.

SmellsLikeFeet · 03/09/2020 19:59

The school can't ask her if she wants to see her dad. They can remind her that they are there for her if she needs to talk to them
I think that it's a great idea to keep school in the loop
I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this
Has the school got pastoral support?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/09/2020 19:59

I think you need to speak openly and directly with the school and explain that they are not to release your DD early.

I also think you need to involve outside agencies here - he has a history of abusive behaviour and now that he's not getting his own way, he's turning that on your DD. I am all for both parents being equally involved and responsible, but both parents have to not be arseholes for that to work, and he's patently a complete wankshaft, so you need to accept that in all likelihood she's not going to have a great relationship with him and stop making that your focus. He has repeatedly behaved like a shitty, absent parent, only bothering when it suits him (which isn't even any kind of parent, really) thus his wants and needs cannot trump those of your DD. Her needs, her security, her welfare and her happiness are your only concerns. If he loses out on a relationship with her, that's his own doing; you cannot force this.

Don't engage with him about money - it is control. Don't ask for it, don't explain anything, don't react at all if he comments on it. Don't reply on it and don't allow this to become mixed up with the debate about contact - finances and contact need to be kept entirely separate. Keep a diary (if you don't already) of every interaction and keep it factual rather than emotional. And consider making your DD a worry box or some other kind of way she can vent her fears over this - if she's witnessing even a small amount of his behaviour it will be affecting her.

Flowers
Zilla1 · 03/09/2020 20:03

There are separate issues.

Regarding maintenance, it's not for him to offer £3 nor to demand receipts. Leave it to CMS and spend any money as you see fit.

Regarding access, your daughter needs you to protect her. Document and try to evidence the abuse with third parties and video. Protect your daughter. Let him incur the expense of a court process (unless someone with direct experience advises differently) and show them why he is a danger.

Goodluck.

Original poster
Whatdoido101 · 03/09/2020 20:05

Thank you all again.

My DD is with the pastoral care. Has been for over 2 years. I wanted her to have the freedom? To be able to speak her mind without the fear of upsetting anyone.

I feel awful for her. Truly awful that she is going through this. I don’t want her having anything to do with him whilst he is reacting this way but I’ve never said anything like this to her.

OP posts:
VictoriousSockPuppet · 03/09/2020 20:06

School can not refuse to release a child to a parent who has PR without a court order or unless SS/police say so.

In your shoes I'd advise the school and pick her up early

Original poster
Whatdoido101 · 03/09/2020 20:07

Sorry. I have also started to document (the past 6 months) when she tells him she doesn’t want to see him and he tells her that it is making him feel sad and how does she think this affects him?!

I’ve told her that the only opinion that matters is hers, as well as her happiness.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/09/2020 20:11

If there is no court order there are no legal repercussions?

Tell him to get a court order and advocate for what your daughter wants. He may be successful in getting a court order though.

Not sure why you haven't used CMS to get maintenance and just let them enforce it unless he is self employed at which point they can't enforce payment.

Heronwatcher · 03/09/2020 20:17

Do not send her. He sounds abusive and possibly dangerous. Tell him that you are happy to allow him supervised access, either at a contact centre or a neutral place, him to arrange/ pay. He seems to have put the fear of god into you about the courts but as others have said no order means no repercussions at all. Plus she is old enough to make her wishes known to any court if it comes to it.

OhCaptain · 03/09/2020 20:23

But why if he turns it around saying I’m stopping this and she is being brainwashed????

To whom?

You’re far too worried about him and what he thinks and says.

Keep your dd home if you must. And stop all contact with her dad.

You’re just going to have to make sure you’re there to collect her every day.

You can inform the school about the issue but they can’t keep her from her dad (I don’t think.)

You might need to engage a solicitor to block his access to her.

tornadoalley · 04/09/2020 11:27

Stop forcing her to have a relationship with him if it's not what either of you want. If he wants it he can get proper court access and her voice will be heard in court. Let him do the running. Why on earth are you pushing for a relationship because he donated sperm? You have a DP who is a father figure, she doesn't need someone who is so abusive in her life.

TheHappyHerbivore · 04/09/2020 11:33

You have to protect your daughter. It’s not within your gift to give her a good relationship with her father - he’s an abuser, and you can’t change that by enabling him access.

She has made it clear to you that he behaves abusively to her and causes her distress. You are the only person who can protect her from this.

Pick her up early today and stop putting her in the hands of a man who is abusing her. Let him true court if he wants - he won’t get very far with a history of domestic abuse and a child who doesn’t want to see him.

Original poster
Whatdoido101 · 04/09/2020 14:32

You’re all right in what you’re saying.

I am still scared of him, I don’t know why and I sure as hell don’t want to be.

To the pp that asked why I haven’t gone through CMS, I did a couple of years ago, went through collect and pay but he’s not even doing that. He’s a couple of thousands in arrears and they have said it’s not at the point where they can take it direct from his wage(?) he asks for a reconsideration every year.

I just feel I’m in two minds, that I want DD to know I’ve tried and haven’t stopped her having a relationship with him but I also don’t want her to because he’s a dickhead.

I’m going to speak to the school and start doing what I should’ve done a long time ago.

Thank you all again.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 04/09/2020 17:26

Good luck @Whatdoido101. Just remember sometimes it’s not better to know your parent.

Knowing who he is, is not the same as having a relationship that won’t benefit her.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/09/2020 17:34

You should check with court because you might not have to pay court fees if you are a recipient of certain benefits or on very low income. You may, but you may not have to. So check.