Please give me your advice / thoughts

[Whatdoido101]

Hi all,

I know I’m posting in the wrong topic, maybe I am after some harsh comments? I don’t know.

Back story.
9 years ago, I was told I couldn’t have children. I was in a verbally and financially abusive relationship (that I realised a year later) anyway, I miraculously fell pregnant.

I felt I couldn’t terminate as this may be the only time I could have children.

I told my EX and he didn’t want to know. I gave birth to my daughter and couldn’t have been happier.

He then came back in the scene. I put his name on the birth certificate as I wanted my daughter to know who her father was.

He said he didn’t want to know her until she had a ‘personality’

He wanted to be in her life from a year and a half onwards. No maintenance paid (I was too scared to to do it through CMS) tried mediation (he had me up the wall by the throat) anyway, I agreed to him access two days a week to begin with which then went into every other weekend too.

DD would come home upset / in tears with what her dad had said etc that I left him and I would leave her too....

My DD is now 8. I went through CMS 2 years ago (got the courage by my lovely DP) and he hasn’t been paying.

My DD doesn’t want to see him. He says she HAS to and if she doesn’t, mean people will take her away. I’ve reassured her and told her that her voice matters and even though I tell her that she has a choice, seeing her dad is important.

It’s all kicked off again this afternoon. He said he will pick her up from school early so she has to spend time with him.

The school are aware of police involvement (due to him stalking and sending threatening letters)

I’m so worn out. I WANT her to have a good relationship with her dad but I need to show her that it’s not right for people to tell you what to do if you don’t like it.

There’s so much more to this story but I didn’t want to bore you all with 8 years worth!!

Do I turn up on the day and take her (we’ve had an issue once before where he pushed me in the school playground) or let him pick her up?

Please be gentle.

Thanks for reading this far.

Get some legal advice! Solicitors may do a short free consultation. If not, go to Citizens Advice and they'll help you. You've clearly bent over backwards to help your daughter have a relationship with her dad and you haven't 'fed' her negativity about him, so this should strengthen your grounds for getting your daughter's voice heard.

Also your local uni may have free legal clinic. Worth a check too.

Bet you he will try to claim parental alienation.

So he abused you, he's clearly emotionally abusing your daughter, she has made her feelings perfectly clear but you have continued to send her??? You are duty bound to protect her.....

Let him take you to court and for God's sake get back onto CMS and get it direct from his wage. Stop letting him control you and your daughter.

@SchrodingersImmigrant he’s already used that multiple times. Parental alienation.

He came over to the house once and she was crying, telling him she doesn’t want to go. I picked her up, took her indoors and called the police. That’s when he started using that one.

I know I’m her protector. Yes, it was probably wrong of me to send her but like I said, I don’t want to think I’m doing wrong by her, maybe I have already.

She’s such a happy girl at home, good as gold, caring, her asthma has disappeared since not seeing him. I know what I need to do and I know I need to grab that strength and run with it.

@combatbarbie I’ve been on the phone to CMS weekly and they keep telling me they can’t do any more. It hasn’t got to the stage of taking from his wages. I don’t know when that stage is.

They said he is arguing payment as he has been on furlough. Haven’t we all?!? I still have to sort uniform, bills etc. I’m so so lucky that she does have a father figure and helps mentally, emotionally and financially for DD and me.

You need to change your mindset, she doesn’t need a relationship with him, if he wasn’t her father is he the sort of person you’d allow in her life?
Just because someone is a relative doesn’t mean we have to have them in our life. Given the back story it’s unlikely a court would allow unsupervised access, just withdraw from him and protect your child and call the police EVERY single time he threatens or harasses you, keep proof of everything, you are not obliged to maintain contact.

To add, let him keep his money, cut him off completely.

@SBTLove I thought about that (letting him keep his money) but I set it up to go into DDs saving account so she has that plus what I can give her each month.

You say you are worried your daughter might hold it against you if you stopped her having a relationship with her dad. I think that fear is causing you to go the other way - far more likely of this goes on that she will hold it against you for not protecting her from her father's emotional abuse.

It sounds like you should talk to a solicitor to put your mind at rest, but if you can't afford it, try a women's charity or Citizen's Advice Bureau. I think, as pp have said, that if you refuse access he'd have to go to court to get it, and if he did that both you and more importantly your daughter would get to tell your side of the story.

You need to stop making her see him when she’s telling you clearly she doesn’t want to. I don’t know what’s happening when she’s alone with him but it’s distressing her

Stop sending her immediately and you take the fight with him. Just you. Not her

She’s out. Tell her that now. Tell her she doesn’t need to go again. Tell her you’ll deal with him. And stop him contacting her, inform the school inform social services. Inform who you need to.

But make no mistake this is your war. Not your child’s.

@Whatdoido101

I have a DC who I also want to have a relationship with her father. However if he was abusive, emotional manipulative as he is I would never ever promote this relationship over and above mu DC needs.

Would you allow her to spend time with a friend/ relative/ or other person who treated her like that? Absolutely not, so do not allow her abusive Father to continue this.

If he wants contact he can go to court and seek same, you don't need to have a lawyer if it comes to it you can represent yourself.

I doubt very much he would because he is still abusing you.

I would suggest you do the freedom programme, to put boundaries in place between you and him.

Further I would recommend you read chump lady book the parenting with a narcissist.

Listen to your daughter, I would also suggest that if he applies for contact you apply for full residence.

First and foremost protect your daughter.

I'm so upset reading this

Ok, reading the replies, I know I’ve done wrong by her. It keeps me up at night, it’s all I think about.

Of course I want to protect her and I’m sorry f it has upset some posters.

I WILL make this right.

Please know that DD spending time with him came from a place where I was frightened, confused, scared. Whatever you want to call it.

I’m so sad for her.

I lost my mum at 12 and all I wanted was for her to have a decent relationship with both parents.

This obviously is different.

Thank you all for the replies, making me open my eyes and I am taking it all on board.

[quote Whatdoido101]@SchrodingersImmigrant he’s already used that multiple times. Parental alienation.

He came over to the house once and she was crying, telling him she doesn’t want to go. I picked her up, took her indoors and called the police. That’s when he started using that one.

I know I’m her protector. Yes, it was probably wrong of me to send her but like I said, I don’t want to think I’m doing wrong by her, maybe I have already.

She’s such a happy girl at home, good as gold, caring, her asthma has disappeared since not seeing him. I know what I need to do and I know I need to grab that strength and run with it.[/quote]
Yeah. You need to speak to someone. Check out the unies around. All unies I know do free law clinic.

OP I really don't want you to feel any worse than you do, but you put your daughter into the hands of your abuser because you wanted to fill a void of you not having both parents.

I just can't get my head around this. I've read threads on here of mothers desperately trying to fight courts to deny access to abusive fathers. Knowing they are sending them into harm.... And you have done the opposite to fuel your own guilt.

I really didn't want to so sound so harsh. Apologies.... I was that child. I've never forgiven my mother.

You need to stop access now and let him take you to court. Your daughters voice will be heard.

Guarantee if you stop access he will not take you to court, and if he does - which by the way is a fairly long process and he would have to deal with cafcas and the mediation process etc first - then your child will be old enough to very clearly speak her mind.

I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must be to have to deal with someone who has abused you in the past but you absolutely must stand firm and advocate for your daughter. You have given him opportunity to be a better parent than he was partner and he has failed - time and time again. He didn’t deserve those chances but you gave them anyway.

Now you must stop. Stop all contact and tell him to go via a solicitor to resolve access. Pick your daughter up early, dont get into conversation with him. It’s done, all communication via a solicitor from now.

Op, I understand your position. It's not as easy as some people assume to get contact stopped with the support of courts and social services. It's a bloody hard and long process. You don't have a court order though, so you're in a Good position (or as good as it ever gets!). If he really wants contact let him pursue it through the courts, I bet he doesn't bother.

@Whatdoido101
I’ll reiterate what I said previously, your daughter won’t miss his paltry amount of grudged money.
I’ve been there, there’s no price on pride, pride that from now on you will
protect your child and you will raise her yourself and won’t take anything form the sorry excuse of a man.
No money is worth the distress to you or your child.
Move forward with him behind you.

You have had good advice here.

The school should treat it as a safeguarding concern. I think the sooner the events around this situation are formally recorded, the better.

You have made every effort to enable a relationship between your daughter and her father, but as you’ve described it, his behaviour now constitutes a risk to your daughter so your primary responsibility is to protect her from him.

Best of everything. X

@combatbarbie yes. That was harsh. Unnecessarily so. No, I am not trying to fill a void. I wanted to know I was doing all I can to facilitate a relationship between my DD and her father.

Obviously, I’ve been wrong in all accounts but it wasn’t because of my past. It’s for my daughters future.

When or if, the time comes and she asks about him, I want her to know that I have done all I can for her regarding their relationship.

I am in the wrong for this, but I’m NOT the bad person in this dynamic. He’s the prick that has done this to her and himself.

I’m fucking scared. What if her voice ISN’T heard and then this fuels him further?!

I will do what it takes but there is always a ‘what if’

I’m sorry for what you went through with your parents, I’m trying to be the best parent to my daughter that I can be.

But OP sometimes we need the harsh truth to make us wake up. If you hadn't posted here, she'd have gone for next contact against her wishes.

Let's just hope your DD doesn't blame you later on in life for making her go. I was 10 when my voice was listened too but the damage had been done.