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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral

44 replies

WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 03/09/2020 18:44

AIBU to let my two DC go to a funeral of a very close family member, their Great Nanny. They are both under 5. They don't understand death. Is this the right time to teach them? I never went to a funeral until I had to bury my own children (stillbirth) in my late 20s, so I don't really know what to do. I never had that closeness with grandparents to go to their funerals in my early 20s.

What do I do?

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 03/09/2020 18:49

I wouldn't criticise you for doing it as long as they aren't a distraction for the immediate family. Might be the opposite, in fact.
I didn't have my dd at my mother's funeral because I couldn't cope with wrangling her and coping with my grief at the same time.

HopefulButScared · 03/09/2020 18:50

I'm so sorry for your losses.

It is my son's great grandfather's funeral tomorrow. He was 4 last month and starts school next week. We have explained that he has died, answered his questions about death, and addressed it with him and will continue to whenever he needs us to, but he won't be going to the funeral.

Our reasoning is that because he doesn't fully understand we think seeing all of his close family upset and grieving might be more confusing for him. That's not actually worded very well to be honest, but I think the whole feeling and situation of a funeral is a lot for anyone, let alone a child who can't understand it properly.

Also, my husband needs to grieve his first loss (he did well to get to his 30s with all parents and grandparents!) without worrying about our son at the same time.

I hope you come to a decision that is right for you.

RedHelenB · 03/09/2020 18:52

Both too young imo . They will take your attention and you may not feel up to it. I doubt any memories will make them feel better about a death they gave to face later in life
I took my baby to my Grandad s funeral. He never got to meet him unlike his sisters but when recounting memories he would have that.

PiggyPokkyFool · 03/09/2020 18:53

I would - when my Grandmother died my girls were 3 and 5 and came to the funeral. they stood either side of my Dad at the grave holding his hands and the oldest rubbed his back in the chapel.
They saw he was sad, he had lost his Mummy and understood it.

TattyMcBab · 03/09/2020 18:54

I took my 4 yo and baby to their great grandmother’s funeral. They sat at the back of the church out of everyone’s way, with access to a room to escape to if we needed it. It was fine and felt like the right thing to do, but equally their similar ages cousins didn’t attend and that was fine too. My husband sat at the front with his family.

HermioneGranger20 · 03/09/2020 18:55

I'm sorry for your loss. Only you can decide OP x

Tandoorimixedgrill · 03/09/2020 19:08

I wouldn’t mainly because there are still number limits at funeral (as far as I understand) and two young children might mean someone who is old enough to comprehend what a funeral is for doesn’t get the chance to say goodbye because of number limits.

Unicornflakegirl · 03/09/2020 19:17

If as @Tandoorimixedgrill says there are number limits then maybe not but otherwise I see no issue.
IMO there is too much shielding of children from funerals which are a very normal part of life. I can't remember the first one I went to, because I would have been young.
Obviously some have affected me more than others, but it also meant that at times when it was a significant loss to me I had a fair idea of what was happening so it wasn't a new experience on top of my grief.
If children see adults upset you can say it's because it is sad that someone has died.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/09/2020 19:22

It’s probably the right time to start talking to them about it as they will pick up on what’s going on even if they don’t go to the funeral. There are lots of nice books out there that you could choose from as a starting point, but just be honest in an age appropriate way. Death is a much bigger and more difficult deal for adults than it is for children who have yet to learn the more upsetting aspects of it.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t take them at that age, not because of any worry for them but because I’d want to be present with what was going on and be able to support family without having to think about looking after children who will probably need things explaining as the day goes along.

tearinyourhand · 03/09/2020 19:23

I think it's really cruel to prevent small children from going to funerals. They should be allowed to say good-bye too.

Merryoldgoat · 03/09/2020 19:25

In my family it would be absolutely expected. My son has been to several with me and my sisters were 4 & 8 when we went to my mums.

You cannot shield them from death. Better to explain and grieve together.

toomanyspiderplants · 03/09/2020 19:28

personally I would....death is a part of life and funerals are part of that. how do children learn to cope with death otherwise.

PurBal · 03/09/2020 19:28

I don't think there is such a thing as too young. Death is part of life.

TheSoapyFrog · 03/09/2020 19:30

Personally I wouldn't. My sons weren't going to attend my grandad's funeral (in the end covid meant that none of us could) at my nan's request. I also wanted have wanted them there. They would have been too much of a distraction and I wouldn't have been able to grieve properly what with having to look after the boys.

CultOfWax · 03/09/2020 19:35

Personally I wouldn't.

How old are they - both under 5, but how old are they?

Are you restricted in numbers allowed at the funeral, are all of the adults that want to go. able to? Are you or your DH prepared to take them out if they start getting too upset or start messing around or whatever?

ParisianLady · 03/09/2020 19:36

There is no official right or wrong on this, just whatever is best for you and your family.

Personally I wouldn't. When we attended the funeral of a very close family member we didn't bring any children as I knew I would be in absolutely pieces with grief, and I didn't want to have the responsibility of looking after them and trying to hide it. I wanted to be able to grieve myself and to be able to support other close family members. We had them at home with a babysitter for a few hours.

But if it's right for you and them, then do what you think is best.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

nosswith · 03/09/2020 19:39

I'm not so sure. Not because of their age, but because I expect numbers to be restricted, and perhaps someone nearer to the deceased's age might be or feel they could be excluded.

kidsdrivingmemad · 03/09/2020 19:40

I took my youngest to my uncles funeral when she was 2 and it was a nightmare trying to keep her quiet. Personally I wouldn't take young children to a funeral again.

Heyahun · 03/09/2020 19:47

I went to funerals as a child - even to open caskets at the persons home from about the age of 4!
My 3 year old cousin was at my grans open casket at the house and the funeral last year!
It’s the done thing in Ireland. I think it’s good to learn about death from a young age tbh! But it seems to be very different in the U.K. and doesn’t seem to be the norm.

D4rwin · 03/09/2020 19:47

In my family it's quite usual for children to be part of funeral proceedings, we usually put a partner on 'dive for the exit' duty during the formal part. It's not in my husband's. Generally this is decided by the next of kin of the deceased though.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/09/2020 19:49

I'd take them. I'd make sure I sat where I could pop out if I need to to though.

From experience, they will be a tonic at any wake.

FuzzyPuffling · 03/09/2020 19:52

I would have hated small children at my parent's funerals, or at the receptions afterwards. I wouldn't have found them a welcome distraction at all, and wouldn't have seen my grief as a useful teaching exercise.

However, I know not everyone feels this way.

Choppedupapple · 03/09/2020 19:52

Im biased because as a child I was totally traumatised by my beloved grandparent being in a box and going into the ground. I think they are too young, at that age they question everything, asking about where great grandparent is, where they are going etc. Could distress people around and them? Take them to the wake after?

Boom45 · 03/09/2020 19:57

We didnt when my FIL died but that was because my husband's family is very small and we knew we'd both be needed to do stuff - looking after mil/do readings etc. As it's your grandparent rather than a parent I assume that wont be a problem so if you need to take them out you can. Funerals are boring for kids and doesnt teach them about death that happens with the lack of the person in their life.

Hellomoonstar · 03/09/2020 20:01

I my family it would be expected to bring dc along. But they would not be shown the body. Yes, the adults will be sad, but they can share the grief and see it is normal to shed a few tears. Family members know young children make noise and some even prefer kids to be present.