Funeral

[WhoAmIWhoAreYou]

AIBU to let my two DC go to a funeral of a very close family member, their Great Nanny. They are both under 5. They don't understand death. Is this the right time to teach them? I never went to a funeral until I had to bury my own children (stillbirth) in my late 20s, so I don't really know what to do. I never had that closeness with grandparents to go to their funerals in my early 20s.

What do I do?

We have had dd attend some funerals and skip others. It just depended on her the exact circumstances. For a grandparent, we have definitely attended. I think it helps them say goodbye.

I didn’t attend my first funeral until my 20s. That’s just how things went. My father actually took me aside to explain how it would go and even warned me that the meal afterward would start somber but end quite jovial and we shouldn’t be upset by that. I think that’s one of the benefits of a funeral. It gives you a specific time to wallow and then sets you up to let the pain go.

I think it depends how upset you and other family members are likely to be. It can be nice to include young children in funerals if it is a family get together to celebrate the life of a very elderly person, other old people there might like to see them and it can end up being a nice family occasion. But if people are likely to be distraught it will likely be upsetting for them and possibly a bit insensitive, if they are too young to keep quiet.

I personally wouldn't want children at my parents funeral either, definitely not a welcome distraction. What do the immediate family think?

I lost my mum when I was 5 years old. She had cancer and my dad kept me away from her for a month before she died and I wasn't at the funeral. I remember how she just vanished one day and never came back. I always wondered if I had been there at the end and for the funeral if it would have been easier to process.

So I would say always include children if it's possible. Death is part of life and its better they learn from a young age. My Dad has always been terrified of death, would never speak about it or go to anyone's funeral except immediate family. He's now under palliative care but refuses to discuss arrangements, funeral or anything to do with death. I think he took the wrong approach personally.

Would depend on the other mourners I think. Would other close relatives welcome children or find them distracting?
Would they sit and not disturb anyone?

Bit young I think to sit through a service. Perhaps some other private goodbye to teach them about death.

When my sister passed away by brother (aged five at the time) went to the funeral but not the cremation in case this part was a little hard for him to understand at such a young age.

Depends. If open coffin, no. Too young to see a dead body. If a memorial service, yes. In my opinion.

Thank you all for your honest opinions. I really appreciate it.
They are almost 4 & 5. I don't know if theyd be a welcome distraction but I do worry they just won't understand and will ask lots of questions. They mention dying but they don't know what it truly means.

Death affects me hugely for years, so I don't want it to affect them in the same way but I do wonder had I have gone to a funeral at a young age (thankfully no family members died until I was in my 20s) I might be able to deal with death better.

I don't think I will take them after all. Thank you all.

In normal times, I’d ask the main mourner(s) before presuming to take a young child (I appreciate you have said it’s great nanny so you might already know their thoughts on the matter) as I wouldn’t want to cause any further distress if my child played up during the Service. During these particular times (I’m in Scotland with a limit of 20 mourners) I wouldn’t take them. 20 mourners is a tiny amount and on many occasions extended family are prevented from attending. It’s harsh.

Both too young and it’s not fair on the other people there. You can’t expect two little ones to be quiet for the length of time a funeral takes. They don’t understand death so it’s pointless. If you don’t take them it will allow you to concentrate on your loved one and your feelings about their death.

Depends on whether they can be trusted to be silent. I'd have been furious at my mum's funeral if there were children squawking.

I went to a Covid times funeral last week, and it was grim. Very distressing not to be able to sit next to someone - even people who travelled in the same car had to sit on a chair in a 2m island.
No singing, no food, drink, limited memory sharing. It was very difficult and not comforting, as some are. Possibly wait until after Covid. Also, you might be taking someones' place as numbers are limited.
Sorry for your loss.

I took our 5, almost 6, year old to my Mum’s funeral however his cousins and brothers were all teenagers at the time and I didn’t want him to be the only one not there when it’s discussed in the future. He doesn’t remember Anything about it now (8 years later). I think your children are very young and I don’t think I would take them.

100% take them. They need to understand death and unfortunately it's something they will face repeatedly in life - the earlier they understand the better.

I wasn't allowed to go to my grandpa's funeral. I was five and always felt like I didn't have a chance to say goodbye properly. My mum says she regrets not taking me.

I think that children should go. It's good for them to get to grieve and say goodbye. It helps them understand that death is final, and nothing to be scared of.

I went to my great grans funeral when I was maybe 10 or 11. I can't remember if my younger siblings went. I just about understood it got something out of going but I can't see what use it would have been if I was much younger.

I am sorry for your family's loss. I think it depends on a number of factors.. Do the hosts want them to be there - would it be comforting or distracting? Would they easily tolerate young children's possible breaches of funeral decorum? With the current 30-person restriction, would the children be taking the place of others who would understand the situation better? Is there likely to be a lot of raw emotion and sobbing, which might be frightening to the children? On the whole, I think that if the hosts really want the children to be there, you should probably bring them; if not, probably not.

I recently took my two 5YO and 7YO to my sister's funeral.

Just keep in mind social distancing rules and limits on numbers might not make it easy.