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AIBU?

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Original poster

10 year old boys rating girls looks?!

27 replies

NotAProperGrownUp · 03/09/2020 07:19

Discussion last night with my DDs (10 & 13) that’s playing on my mind...
DD10 says she’s not as pretty as lots of her classmates, and - because she’s a bit of a tomboy (her words) - seen as less pretty by the boys. She is, by all objective measures, actually beautiful but that’s beside the point. I asked her to describe how she had arrived at this conclusion and she said that some of the boys in her class had rated the girls looks but wouldn’t tell them their final verdicts, leaving DD worried she isn’t in the top half of the list.
This leaves me livid and horrified on so many levels. I responded with a short feminist seminar, mouth foaming and ear steaming. DD13 confirmed this rating system as standard with boys at her school too.
WIBU to raise it with DD10’s teacher?

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/09/2020 07:21

Tbh I would be surprised if both sexes weren't doing this. We did when we were about 10. You can turn it into a feminist issue if you like but the girls will almost certainly be rating the boys too.

KatherineJaneway · 03/09/2020 07:24

Thought this was fairly typical behaviour unfortunately.

nosswith · 03/09/2020 07:27

KatherineJaneway like you this is no surprise.

AndAnotherUsername · 03/09/2020 07:27

As long as the boys didn’t announce the ratings to the girls, which you say they didn’t, they surely didn’t actually do anything wrong? I don’t think teachers can or should police private conversations.

I remember giving all the boys in my new secondary school class a rating, still have the notebook where I did this Blush

CuntyMcBollocks · 03/09/2020 07:28

This happened at my school too (many years ago!) It's not nice at all.

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/09/2020 07:28

We were doing this around the ages of 10-12, rating both boys and girls. By all means report it, but it's hardly new or unusual.

JoJoSM2 · 03/09/2020 07:29

We had ratings for boys too.

QueenofmyPrinces · 03/09/2020 07:29

I certainly remember grading boys with my friends when we were about 10-11 in terms of who in our class was the most good looking and who we’d like as our boyfriends Grin

I think mouth foaming and ear steaming is a bit off an OTT reaction but I completely understand why you feel so angry as none of like to think of our children feeling hurt or rejected.

Its not ideal behaviour but it is pretty normal I think and it definitely works both ways.

I’m 37 and me and my friends/colleagues still discuss which guys are the best looking of all the ones we know Grin

JoJoSM2 · 03/09/2020 07:29

But yes, thinking about it now, it’s off to be doing such stuff.

Grannyspecsandslippers · 03/09/2020 07:31

Surprised at the 10 year olds, my DS and his friends certainly aren’t doing this as they’re all still pretty clueless on the girl front but agree by 12 both boys and girls will do this. Annoying isn’t it??

Original poster
NotAProperGrownUp · 03/09/2020 07:32

I know it’s normal I suppose, but I hate it! Think my response is based on feeling protective, but it still pisses me off... it shouldn’t be normal! That’s for the perspective.

OP posts:
ChanceEncounter · 03/09/2020 07:34

The fact people did it 25 years ago doesn't mean it is ok. If that was the case then some racist jokes would be still circulating in playgrounds.

It is pretty gross and shallow, and I would have words with my children if I found out they were doing this.

I'd report to the school as it is inappropriate.

If the boys discussed amongst themselves no one would know. It isn't a private conversation once they are making the subjects feel uncomfortable.

We used to discuss the boys looks and pass judgement too. It was wrong and I would be ashamed if my kids did it now.

MarshaBradyo · 03/09/2020 07:35

Ten is young. At some point conversation will turn to looks on both sides.

If you spoke to the teacher what would you like to happen next?

Pinkyandthebrainz · 03/09/2020 07:38

This was normal in my school at about 8! It starts young OP.

Original poster
NotAProperGrownUp · 03/09/2020 07:40

@MarshaBradyo hmm... I think I’d be looking for some discussion of how objectifying people is wrong, how hurtful it could be, how physical beauty is subjective and fleeting. May be why I’m not a primary teacher! I work with much older kids so am maybe seeing it through the lens of how toxic it can get when social media and adolescence have been added to the mix.

OP posts:
ifonlyus · 03/09/2020 07:55

I would have a word with the school in the context of your last post. You might not be able to stop it happening if the boys are just speaking among themselves but the school ought to mitigate it by including discussions of objectification, being kind etc... in their PSHE. If they are recording it somewhere - like in a wahtsapp group or on instagram - it definitely needs to be dealt with by the school. The school could put out a general communication to all parents.

leafeater · 03/09/2020 07:59

This is how Facebook started Grin

contrmary · 03/09/2020 08:04

It's completely normal for both sexes to do this. Ten is probably the average age for it to start, sometimes younger and sometimes older. Beauty is subjective, not objective. But if the results are not being made public then there isn't really any harm.

GalOopNorth · 03/09/2020 08:05

My brother’s all boy private school back in the 90’s had a sixth form that took girls.

On the first day as the girls came into the dining hall some of the boys used to hold up cards rating them out of ten. I considered going there for sixth form and he advised against it, saying “it’s crap for girls” ☹️

SamBeckettsLastLeap · 03/09/2020 08:11

She is, by all objective measures, actually beautiful but that’s beside the point but it's not if you feel you need to objectify her, it reads that the problem for you both is that you think she should be higher up the ratings.

Original poster
NotAProperGrownUp · 03/09/2020 08:14

@SamBeckettsLastLeap sorry it reads that way, not my intention. DD May be top or bottom or somewhere in the middle of the ratings - not my point at all!

OP posts:
Aweebawbee · 03/09/2020 08:51

Sadly it's become part of our normal language to rank or rate attractiveness. "she's a 10", or "we're both 8s". It's an unpleasant evolution of society, but I guess at one time we would have been comparing peoples salaries or job prospects. Maybe the government could come up with some sort of algorithm to rate people?

ArfNArf · 03/09/2020 08:57

It's pretty normal I suppose but as the parent of a boy who's 13, I've felt it my duty to have taught him how we treat girls (and people in general of course, but that's by the by for this discussion!)

He's all about gaming right now and girls don't really figure at all but I've done my best to have regular and age appropriate chats with him about all sorts of things like this as has his 21 year old sister so I'd hope that something has sunk in!

I'd be very unhappy if my boy was doing this - not sure what can be done about it though really? It's down to parents to reinforce the behaviours - you 'could' speak to the school I suppose or just tell your daughters to ignore these boys

MarshaBradyo · 03/09/2020 08:58

I’d be quite interested to know if it’s already part of PSHE. If not it wouldn’t hurt to include it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/09/2020 09:13

I hate this too, but it has been going on forever, and I knew that I could never stop it.

Instead I have taught my dc about respect, consent, feminism, and equipped them with arguments and questions and answers when they see behaviour they don't like.

So far it has worked very well maybe too well with one of my dds in particular.