To ask what you would do in my position?

[AidanMole]

So many times on threads I see people responding to OPs with 'why are you still in the relationship', 'instead of game playing why don't you just leave', 'no wonder you're not happy in your relationship', etc. etc.

But how? Why do people say it's that easy? Is it that easy? If it is, please tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself every day. I have no money, no freedom, nothing. The man I used to be head over heels in love with has created an atmosphere so bad that I cry daily and I feel paralysed. I'm sad that my DC have to put up with the constant anger from DP. I'm sad that I've never been able to afford a Christmas or birthday present for them, and that I've always had to rely on holding out my hand for donations from DP's family or shamefully ask DM for money, not just for presents for DC but for things like tampons, milk, meat for dinner, whatever. I'm told to make do with what's in the house. I'm asked why the tampons I have in an old box in the bathroom won't do. I'm told to ask DM.

I'm tired all the time, nobody cares about how I feel in this house, I feel like every day is an onslaught that will never end.

If I start making moves to leave the house, DP promises me the world and says that things will change. Then my hope for stability kicks in and I accept the promises. Later on, days or weeks or months later, I'm being called more names and told that I have no right to be hurt or to hold him to the promises that were made. That I'm abusive. I hate myself every single day. I'm angry that I get scared that DP will find somebody better than me and tell her what a shitty person I am.

When I consider 'giving him a taste of his own medicine', countless threads here remind me that you must take the higher ground, else you become the same or worse as the person that has made you feel worthless and miserable.

I don't even know what I'm hoping for by ranting like this. I know there's nothing I can really do. I know about Women's Aid, but I'm scared that after I leave I'll realise that I had it good and my life will start falling apart.

I don't think it's just me. It can't be. There are other people who feel like this, right?

What about your current set up is good? What are you worried about losing? To an outsider this sounds sad, lonely and miserable. Could leaving really be much worse?

Can I ask OP if you and your family are from another culture ?

Sorry to hear things are so bad. He definitely sounds abusive. How old are your children ? Is it possible you can look for a job so that you can save some money to leave. If you spoke to women's aid they would help you or could you go and stay with your mum and claim benefits as a single parent, you would have enough to start afresh.

I'm from white British culture. I don't know what I'm scared of about leaving. But I am scared. And so sad. I feel like I could just be making everything seem so much bigger and catastrophic than it is.

It’s so scary to break up with someone, but OP there isn’t a word in your post that makes me think you’ll look back and regret leaving. Your life will start when you leave. It won’t fall apart, right now it’s being taken from you. And I’m so so sorry you’re in this position. I hope a load of posters will come on soon and tell you how to practically do it and how much better it is on the other side xx

Do you really " have it good?"
You sound so very low. Please think hard about your and your children's happiness though I suspect that there isn't much of it right now.

Please speak to Women's Aid. See what they say. You don't have to do anything rash right now but their support and advice may well put you back into the right mindset to deal with this.

You don't deserve to feel like this in a relationship. The fact that you have reached out on MN speaks volumes about how you're already feeling.

Give 'em a call.

Good luck OP.

Hello OP,

I think it's very very hard sometimes whilst your in a situation like this to really see it from a 'normal' perspective. Reading your post, you don't seem to have much happiness with your DP. To feel like your losing yourself, and worrying about your DCs and having to protect them from him isn't okay. Life and relationships will always throw up difficult times, and make for even more difficult marriages but realistically you should feel some sense of happiness and security and know it's just a bad or passing phase.

I was also in a very unhappy relationship and stayed a lot longer than I should have. Because it became my new 'normal' and I convinced myself that behind closed doors most people felt like this. But it's not true.

How old are your DCs? Are you financially stable on your own? Do you have family and friends that can help? Leaving is hard, very very hard and sometimes it feels easier to stay, but there is life and happiness on the other side.

Hugs to you

OP do you live with his family? Why do you have to ask the mother for money ?

How did you allow yourself to get into this position ?

You’re in an abusive relationship OP. Do you have any of your own money? If so make sure he cannot access it and try to keep adding to it. Can you confide in your DM? Who owns the house? How old are the kids?

So you have told us you are being financially and emotionally abused in your first post. You say you cry every day, you are sad. Don't you think life would be so much better to laugh and be happy with your DC.

You have read the threads yourself, I think your mistake has been telling him you want yo split. I advise you contact Womens Aid, do the Freedom programme and leave with the DC without telling him.

It won't be easy to begin with but WA will help you gain your new life with accom and benefits/work.

You already know your DC are being impacted, if you can't leave for yourself, leave for them. They will thank you for it!!

I stayed with an abusive (physically and emotionally) ex for 9 years, that was 8.5 years too long but the happiness I have found after is like nothing I could ever have imagined.

OP I hope you read the responses and do something. What ever you decide, just do it and don't tell any of them. You don't have anything to lose by the sound of things. How absolutely bloody awful for you and your children

Come on...you can leave him. Prepare first, plan, take back some control. I'm so sorry for you reading your OP but you can do it!

The feeling of dread is just so overpowering. I really don't know how to get past it and 'do what's right'... what if it's not right? What if I regret my decision for the rest of my life? What if DP and his future new partner have such a nice life together that my DC start to dislike me and want her as a mum?

DC ages are both close to two.

Sometimes I imagine myself in a flat with both of them, waking up, making myself a cup of tea, asking DC what we're going to get up to that day or have a lazy day in indulging in my hobbies. Just calm and quiet and safe. No uncertainty. That helps me to see that I'm not afraid of being alone. I don't even want a new relationship.

But then equally I want to wake up tomorrow and this is all a bad dream, DP comes back to me the same as he was when we started dating and we have a beautiful family.

He's had PTSD and depression for about a year and a half, for the entirety of this time I've been telling myself that he's not himself and that he'll snap out of it. But every day recently I can see that's not a likelihood. He's gone. It hurts and it's scary. I know I'm being dramatic and I'm sorry but I just feel such a mess.

OP he is an abuser. He is not a decent person. He is a bully and a coward and a thief. He has stolen your life, your self esteem and your courage. Don't let him do this to his child.

He'll do it again and not just to you.

If he is ill then he should have got medication for it. You are being used as a punchbag.

I do not understand how family are rubber stamping his appalling behaviour !

and my life will start falling apart... your life is already in pieces though?

I was in a marriage like you describe. I got access to more money, and left him. I'm much happier now. Obviously. I was in a living hell before. How can the future be scarier than what you're living now?

what if it's not right? What if I regret my decision for the rest of my life? ... what if your life stays like this until you die? Really think about that for a sec. The choice you're currently making is a choice to live like this until you die, and to guarantee your children misery. Do you own that choice? Are you making it with your eyes open?

At least if you leave, they've a chance of surviving having your partner as a father. They'll have an island of sanity to retreat to. By staying you're spitting in their faces and ensuring that they have zero chance of that. You're saying to them "sorry kids, Mummy knows you live in a hellscape but she's putting her feelings first here ok! She knows the right thing to do, but is literally more scared of feeling the natural emotions of a split, then she is of seeing you suffer."

What if DP and his future new partner have such a nice life together that my DC start to dislike me and want her as a mum? What if you stay with him and they grow up to think you're not a very good person because you chose your temporary feelings over their lifelong emotional health? What if they cut you off because they can't bear to see him and he won't let you see them alone? Again, aren't the risks you're already taking bad enough? Why not just change the risks around and at least you'll be free of him too?

DC ages are both close to two. This is the perfect time to leave. They won't even remember you being together. You have a huge opportunity to change the direction of this trainwreck. Don't blow it.

Sometimes I imagine myself in a flat with both of them, waking up, making myself a cup of tea, asking DC what we're going to get up to that day or have a lazy day in indulging in my hobbies. Just calm and quiet and safe. No uncertainty. That helps me to see that I'm not afraid of being alone. I don't even want a new relationship. Yeah, this is exactly what my life was like after I left my ex... you're forgoing the chance to have that, because you're afraid of experiencing temporary emotions.

At some point you need to look at your choices. What's more important, your feelings, or your kids? Right now, you choose to put your feelings first. I'd just caution you that feelings change, all feelings, both enjoyable and painful - as I told myself when I got divorced, "when you find yourself in hell, keep going" - every emotion passes in time. But you'll be a mother all your life, and your children don't have a way to get free of this guy.

Dear woman, you do need to get out. You will not regret it. Your children are small now and it won’t be easier but it will be better for them to do this now rather than waiting.

Take the first step

You’re likely feeling paralysed because you’re NOT making a decision.

Once you’ve made it - whether it’s to stay or go - you’ll not feel paralysed.

I remember feeling in limbo while still with my cheating ex while I made arrangements to leave. The transitional phase IS tough.

But then that’s true for any major change in life, I’m going through that now with dd who’s about to start uni, she’s really struggling with that.

It sounds though as if he is abusive? Financially, emotionally and possibly dv? (The anger, dv doesn’t necessarily mean he’s hitting anyone)

And not just to you but dc too?

In which case you do have a responsibility to leave for the dcs sake if nothing else.

Bearing the dv in mind though, you need to be SO CAREFUL, leaving is the most dangerous stage to you.

I’d advise contacting dv specialists to formulate a plan for leaving where he doesn’t know until you’re gone! Or he’s gone if you’re having him removed from the home depending on what your status is as an occupant of that home.

I am and have been a single mum on benefits. I won’t say it’s easy, but it’s not as dire financially as you’re describing things are currently for you, and could you potentially stay with your mum at least initially?

I agree with pps I think it’s extremely unlikely you will regret leaving this man!

In fact. I think once you leave, you’ll realise you’re breathing again! Not walking on eggshells. Kids able to be themselves...

You’ll probably wonder why you didn’t do it much sooner

I am also the child of an abusive relationship where she didn’t leave, and while I know it’s complicated, and that she’s a victim etc I STILL feel a lot of sadness and anger and resentment towards her for not leaving, not protecting us.

Such relationships are SO damaging to children. I’m 48 and I’m still dealing with the mental health consequences as are my siblings.

Seriously leaving is the greatest gift you could EVER give your dc!

You asked what you are doing wrong......You keep believing lies.

It’s ok to be scared. You have been brave posting and that’s the first step in your journey to happiness for you and your children.

You can read your OP to Women’s Aid when you contact them if that helps. Take it one step at a time. This is step 2. You can make that call. We are all here with you.

Please don’t worry, there is plenty of support available to you, starting with Women’s Aid. Be brave and make the best decision for you and your children. One man does not own your life, there are so many other people and opportunities out there waiting for you and your children. You deserve much much better, you deserve peace and love in your life not fear and misery. Please take a step towards the life you deserve.
Recognising that someone is treating you wrong is the first step, and you have done that, congratulations. Please now, take another leap of faith for yourself and get some help. And please do not tell him of your plans.

Get out of this relationship, it's destroying you!! Why are you not listening to your gut??

Was everything alright before the PTSD and depression? Did the incident that triggered the PTSD happen to you too?

You have two children close to age two. I wouldn't expect financial miracles at this point. It gets so much better once they start school and you have the freedom to go back to work. Of course you could go back earlier, make use of 2/3yr funding, but do you have the energy? With everything going on at home your partner needs to be the one supporting you financially. If he has mental health problems he needs to get himself in to therapy to help make sense of them.

Your DM knows this is not right.
Could you go live with her for a while.
I think you need to see that you can claim help from universal credit and gave more money and control over your life.
Two young children is hard, doing so with no money is even worse, can you change the child benefit to your name ?