To ask what you would do in my position?

[AidanMole]

So many times on threads I see people responding to OPs with 'why are you still in the relationship', 'instead of game playing why don't you just leave', 'no wonder you're not happy in your relationship', etc. etc.

But how? Why do people say it's that easy? Is it that easy? If it is, please tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself every day. I have no money, no freedom, nothing. The man I used to be head over heels in love with has created an atmosphere so bad that I cry daily and I feel paralysed. I'm sad that my DC have to put up with the constant anger from DP. I'm sad that I've never been able to afford a Christmas or birthday present for them, and that I've always had to rely on holding out my hand for donations from DP's family or shamefully ask DM for money, not just for presents for DC but for things like tampons, milk, meat for dinner, whatever. I'm told to make do with what's in the house. I'm asked why the tampons I have in an old box in the bathroom won't do. I'm told to ask DM.

I'm tired all the time, nobody cares about how I feel in this house, I feel like every day is an onslaught that will never end.

If I start making moves to leave the house, DP promises me the world and says that things will change. Then my hope for stability kicks in and I accept the promises. Later on, days or weeks or months later, I'm being called more names and told that I have no right to be hurt or to hold him to the promises that were made. That I'm abusive. I hate myself every single day. I'm angry that I get scared that DP will find somebody better than me and tell her what a shitty person I am.

When I consider 'giving him a taste of his own medicine', countless threads here remind me that you must take the higher ground, else you become the same or worse as the person that has made you feel worthless and miserable.

I don't even know what I'm hoping for by ranting like this. I know there's nothing I can really do. I know about Women's Aid, but I'm scared that after I leave I'll realise that I had it good and my life will start falling apart.

I don't think it's just me. It can't be. There are other people who feel like this, right?

The incident that triggered his PTSD happened before I met him. He's had treatment multiple times and is currently taking medication and has started another round of therapy. At his best, he's a cuddly, caring, doting man that would do anything for anybody.

The best way I could describe it, is that the man that he was would slap the man that he's becoming into next Sunday. He'd tell him to grow a pair and stop being such a prick to his family. Sometimes, when I remind him of things he's said to me or DC, he looks at me heartbroken and says he can't remember saying it and he feels so bad for making people feel that way. But when he's on one again, nothing will get through to him. He becomes hateful.

I feel like I'm plotting to make him miserable by even thinking of leaving without telling him first. I don't want him to be miserable. I just can't stand the atmosphere in this house any more.

His PTSD and depression does not excuse his financial abuse nor the convenient non remembering.... Unless he's been drunk, but still no excuse. I say that as a PTSD sufferer.

The thing with abusive relationships is that it is so gradual that you don't even notice it happening. You need to read up on abusive relationships and narcissists. You will probably start to recognise behaviours and actions in your relationship.

Noone in a relationship should have to ask or beg for money for sanitary products..... We are not in a 3rd world country.

Stop thinking about the past, that's gone, you need to look at the future, without him in it!!

I’ve experienced this and grown up with it so I understand how you’re feeling right now from both angles.
It doesn’t feel easy to leave because you’re trapped and manipulated, your mind is keeping you in that situation because you don’t think you can get out.
But you can do it. It takes time and self love to get to that point, but there is a way out. There’s help for women escaping abuse, they can protect you and your dc and help you financially and to find a new home.
You know deep down it will never change but you hold on to hope that one day it will. Believe me it doesn’t and unless he gets urgent help and turns things around it’ll get worse, do you want to risk your dc witnessing violence/emotional abuse? That’s what it could lead to. He won’t help himself because he knows he has control and you’ll put up with it.
Imagine your life in 5 years, what does it look like? Is he still part of it?
If not you need to make arrangements to leave before it affects your children mentally. ill always carry the emotional and mental scars because my mum didn’t leave, I’ll never forgive her, don’t be that mum to your children or make excuses, start the process now.
When I left my ex who was financially and emotionally abusing me the freedom and joy I felt was intense, I got the help I needed and turned it all around. It’s not as scary or hard as it seems once you’re settled. I prefer my life now and I’ll always have pride that I got away and made a good life for my dc and I. You’re stronger than you realise, you don’t need him. Your dc need and deserve safety and stability.

but I'm scared that after I leave I'll realise that I had it good and my life will start falling apart.

Except that your life is NOT good. You don't have any money. You're walking on tip toes in your own house. It might be that it WAS good, back in the day, but it's not. And he has consistently proven that he can't and won't change.

I know it's hard OP, but honestly, you're doing the right thing by seriously seriously considering getting out while you still can.

Posters don't say it's easy.
They say it's the right thing to do if you are in an abusive relationship.
I don't think anyone believes it is easy but just because something is hard or scary, doesn't mean it's not the best option.

When I was married to my ex I used to sit in the bath crying my eyes out most weekends thinking how had I got myself into this mess and paralysed about getting out. I couldn't see how I could leave. No children but a mortgage (his name only) and he didn't work due to mental illness. I stayed paralysed for two years until he became aggressive and lost my home and became homeless overnight.

But once the worst happened it all got better and I wished I had taken the bold leap earlier. People helped - gave me a bed to sleep in. People helped and gave my stuff for my new home while I couldn't get my own stuff back.

I think if I had realised how much people would help once the worst happened - I would have got moving quicker - but I was so scared.

Nobody can make you leave until you're ready to leave. Let me tell you a little about me.. I held on and on and on for the sake of keeping my family together.. I had nowhere else to go, no family, no friends near by, my mum passed away five years ago and dad lives overseas.. I lived in his house, he controlled all the money.. It took all the strength I had to leave because I had to put my daughter first. Not only had she witnessed abused, she was abused also by him, verbally and physically. All that time I thought we were a family but my real family was just us, a family of 2. I left him and cut all contact immediately, the first month I had to muddle through as best as I could, fortunately a friend came through for me, then I managed to get a beautiful rental property.. We're three months on now and I'm slowly starting to rebuild my life.. My little girl is happy and settled and go to sleep at night happy and relieved.. But it took a long time to leave but when I left I was ready to.. Irrespective of what people tell you.. You have to have that moment of clarity whereby you cannot physically live your life this way anymore, only then you'll feel ready and strong enough to leave him.

@AidanMole

The incident that triggered his PTSD happened before I met him. He's had treatment multiple times and is currently taking medication and has started another round of therapy. At his best, he's a cuddly, caring, doting man that would do anything for anybody.

The best way I could describe it, is that the man that he was would slap the man that he's becoming into next Sunday. He'd tell him to grow a pair and stop being such a prick to his family. Sometimes, when I remind him of things he's said to me or DC, he looks at me heartbroken and says he can't remember saying it and he feels so bad for making people feel that way. But when he's on one again, nothing will get through to him. He becomes hateful.

I feel like I'm plotting to make him miserable by even thinking of leaving without telling him first. I don't want him to be miserable. I just can't stand the atmosphere in this house any more.

Him, him, him, him, him.

Aren't your children are more important than him?
What about the PTSD that your kids will develop in time?
How are you going to feel when you're here describing their misery, having realized years before that there was never anything you could have done for your partner?

I remember when I was still like you, it was aaaallllll about him. Then I had a baby, and there was an inexorable moment of crossing the Rubicon, where I realized that never again would I or my ex come first.

You will suffer pain and you will feel guilty. But if you have a heart for your children, you'll suffer it with courage and take on that burden for them. And move on from this.

Eventually there comes a time when you have to harden your heart against a man who is bleeding you dry and whose actions will eventually impact your kids in awful, incomprehensible ways. I hope you get there extremely soon because the longer you wait, the worse the damage to your children.

I left with my dc when he was 3.5. It's been years. Sometimes I still think of my ex with sadness, guilt and pity - and those sad feelings are 100% worth it, because my son is happy and healthy, and we have a wonderful, peaceful home together.

The most basic thing that I could not abide is being denied and questioned about tampons.

You cannot just live with that; you cannot raise children with a person that would question your most basic needs. Even if you want to tolerate it for yourself, eventually he will do the same to your children.

No one deserves that.

If you were my daughter I would be devastated to hear these words from your mouth.
This is not living this is existing , this is not a happy relationship , this is abuse.
Please speak to your family

The man you ‘want to come’ wasn’t real.

He’s an abuser.

He’s ground you down. It’s time to go and you know it.

Of course it’s not easy but it’s important. For you AND your children.

In your position I’d approach family for help BUT I work so it’s different.

Can you tell your mum? Go to a refuge?

You will be miserable forever if you don’t get away.

‘What to come back’

you said you’re sad that your children have to put up with your partners anger but you’re not sad enough to stop it.

put your children first op, you have a choice, they don’t