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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child's friend advice needed

50 replies

Shocked12 · 02/09/2020 22:55

So one of my DC has a friend they are very keen on. Spent lovely days this summer together. Took the child out with my DC today. For the first time I received a message saying stuff had happened between the children which 100 percent did not. I know this for fact so thats a comfort I understand other parent wasn't there so they don't. Two accusations of my child doing something. They are 11. Rang parent to explain this absolutely did not to be told ' kids will be kids'. One if that's the case ' not my opinion if accusations were true at all they are fairly serious tbh' why text me. Two how can I ever take the kids out together again as parent never even questioned child although could here child in background about me saying it was lies. As I could be accused of doing something and parents response she obviously still believes child. So aibu to not want the friendship between children to continue. Never had this happen before so don't want to over react but has shocked me. Ending friendship I think is sad but sickened by the lies too.

OP posts:
HermioneGranger20 · 02/09/2020 22:58

What did the other child say your child had done?

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2020 23:00

What was the lie?

Stella8686 · 02/09/2020 23:00

Kids will lie. If I was told a tale by my kid and rang you for you to say it's lies. I'd be massively embarrassed by my child.

Did she mean kids will be kids in terms of her child having lied?

If not I would not allow my child to be alone with lying child.

Fine to stay friends but don't be alone with lying friend.

Original poster
Shocked12 · 02/09/2020 23:12

Thank you for your responses. Has made me feel less like I'm unreasonable for being so upset. Such a lovely time the kids have had too such a shame. The accusations were a physical fight. Other one was inappropriate behaviour between a boy and girl after being asked to stop. My DC ( boy) touching her dd bum again and again. didn't even happen once. Open plan layout where we were no way of missing it. My other DC were like no way when asked and just shocked by the lie. Her dd slept here last month. Shudders at what could of been said tbh about me or DC. Feel sad for my lad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shocked12 · 02/09/2020 23:13

Kids will be kids was as in my boy had done it. Still believes her dd was my impression.

OP posts:
ChanceEncounter · 02/09/2020 23:18

Oh that is terrible and you can not continue the relationship between them.

I would consider speaking to school on safeguarding grounds, as it is a very strange allegation to make. Maybe you know a teacher or someone similar in real life who could advise you, I just feel this is quite odd.

AGoatAteIt · 02/09/2020 23:19

If my daughter (or my son actually) told me someone, anyone, touched them in a way that wasn’t appropriate and made them feel uncomfortable I would always believe them unless it was proven otherwise- with solid evidence. So I don’t blame that mum for her stance at all. As for the “kids will be kids” comment that sounds like a “let’s wind this conversation up as there’s no point going over it again as we each side with our respective child”.

slipperywhensparticus · 02/09/2020 23:20

time to cut them off then no more babysitting

And warn the school

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/09/2020 23:24

Sorry but she’s a safeguarding risk to you and your son. You can’t not allow them together in your home.

I would text the parent, paper trail and say, I’ve questioned 11 year old again and other children and we disagree XY and Z happened.

In light of this, I think it’s best the children no longer spend time together in future.

Leave it there.

PawPawNoodle · 02/09/2020 23:24

@AGoatAteIt

If my daughter (or my son actually) told me someone, anyone, touched them in a way that wasn’t appropriate and made them feel uncomfortable I would always believe them unless it was proven otherwise- with solid evidence. So I don’t blame that mum for her stance at all. As for the “kids will be kids” comment that sounds like a “let’s wind this conversation up as there’s no point going over it again as we each side with our respective child”.
What evidence would you expect in these circumstances though? It seems like there was always someone with them at all times that she was at the house and not one person saw her son doing that, so that is evidence that it likely didn't happen.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/09/2020 23:26

I agree with AGoatAteIt if my child told me something like that, I would believe them.

AGoatAteIt · 02/09/2020 23:30

What evidence would you expect in these circumstances though? It seems like there was always someone with them at all times that she was at the house and not one person saw her son doing that, so that is evidence that it likely didn't happen.

I honestly don’t know so in that case my child would be getting the benefit of the doubt 🤷‍♀️ I do agree that the children shouldn’t spend time with each other again. But mine would be banned from hanging round in any sense with someone who had done that to them anyway, allegedly or otherwise. And I’d be contacting the school myself as the mother of the child who said she has been touched inappropriately to ensure her safety and well-being.

Original poster
Shocked12 · 02/09/2020 23:31

Just to clarify she didn't come to my house today. Children were not left unattended today for a second just because where we were it was like a group activity. That's why it's absurd. I understand the mum doesn't have this clarity but the kids will be kids wasn't let's wrap this up it was said then how are you? I done this today. I don't care kinda way but why send message I'm grateful she did obviously as it gave me the heads up I needed. They don't attend same school. Her dd asked my ds for vbucks he said no. Hour later got message. That's all I can think it is after all the lovely times.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 02/09/2020 23:34

Devils advocate here, but did you really watch them like a hawk 100% of the time?

His word against hers, they can’t play alone together anymore.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 02/09/2020 23:34

What’s vbucks?

notapizzaeater · 02/09/2020 23:35

Does your son normally give her them ? Did she threaten him in any way if he didn't ?

LovingLola · 02/09/2020 23:38

Devils advocate here, but did you really watch them like a hawk 100% of the time?

This.

AGoatAteIt · 02/09/2020 23:53

Devils advocate here, but did you really watch them like a hawk 100% of the time

I thought this too- not as a swipe at OP or her son but because when my children are with their friends I don’t watch them the whole time.

Tolleshunt · 03/09/2020 00:01

So the accusation came swiftly after she asked him for vbucks and he refused...?

combatbarbie · 03/09/2020 00:05

@Tolleshunt I was just thinking the same thing. For pps, VBucks as far as I understand is cash/credits for Fortnite.

Tolleshunt · 03/09/2020 00:14

Quite the coincidence, isn’t it combatbarbie?!

I’d love to know if the girl’s mother is aware of the timing.

idontneedhelpyoudo · 03/09/2020 00:15

If it were me, I'd say do you mind popping over after school tomorrow so we can chat about what happened. If you are usually close mates.
And I'd sit the kids down next to each other and say these are really serious things here, one of you is lying as the stories are completely different so we would like to know what happened. See if the child will lie in front of you and your son, and let your son have his say.

Clearly she's lying.
Id say that until one of you admits you are lying and tells the truth then we won't be seeing each other incase this happens again as these things are serious and need to be sorted quickly and fixed with a proper apology.

Either she will admit she's lying or you won't have to see her again.

Original poster
Shocked12 · 03/09/2020 00:15

The accusation came three hours after drop of about a hour after vbucks request. But she would obviously have to go talk to her mum before I was messaged. And yes 100 percent of the time as the activity it was. If it had been a different day then no I wouldn't of seen them all the time given their ages so I am lucky it was made today tbh. Eye opener really. And let's play devils advocate then. My son beat her up ( as don't forget I've missed a whole fight too.) touched her inappropriately multiple times. Which noone saw. Not me. Not my other DC. And her response is to go home turn on her Xbox and ask him for vbucks. Not tell me or her mum straight away.

OP posts:
nestisflown · 03/09/2020 00:24

Sorry OP what an awful and complicated situation.

  1. I agree with you that the child can’t come round again after such serious accusations

  2. If I was the child’s mother I would believe my daughter so it’s not surprising that her mother took those accusations seriously.

  3. the fact that children lie goes both ways and so just as the friend could be lying, your children could be lying too. There’s no way you could have watched them every second that they were playing together - I have toddlers in an open plan and even I can’t attest to watching my under 4 year olds every minute. So I would ask your children in a no blame way to try tell you honestly what happened- make it clear there will be no repercussions. That way at least you know what you’re dealing with. When I was younger I got punched in the stomach by a male school mate and passed out with convulsions- they had to call an ambulance. There were several witnesses including my own sisters. When grilled by the teacher all the witnesses said that the boy didn’t punch me, and my sisters pretended to not have seen what happened. The boy who punched me swore on his mother’s life that he didn’t punch me- so everyone believed him. However all the children were scared of him so didn’t want it to be their word against his. He admitted a few years later to me that he had lied as he didn’t want to get in trouble. I’m just saying this so you know groups of children can lie convincingly - so don’t take everything at face value.

  4. Even if you do point (3) - the no repercussions discussion - and your children continue to maintain that the girl’s accusations are false, I would use this as an opportunity to reinforce their understanding of body autonomy, consent etc. Just so they know what the expectations for their behaviour are.

longtompot · 03/09/2020 00:42

My ds was about 11 when I got a call something had happened at his best friends house which had not happened at all. His 'bf' was an utter shit and his mum believed everything he said.
I had both the mum of the house this happened at in the phone at me and the mum of his best friend. It took them (the kids) several years to admit what they said was bs.