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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to think mn should be for mums and not dads.

882 replies

2hot2cook · 06/10/2007 12:39

id like to think that when i come on here for a quick chat im talking to other women. ive noticed some men on here and thats actually putting me off. some of the topics we talk about are very intimate. i cant understand why men would want to come on this website, maybe the name should be changed to parentnet. aibu.

OP posts:
2hot2cook · 06/10/2007 15:15

becauseimww; maybe its our age, im 37 dh 40.
im sure he would be fine, but he's working. not in till 7.3o each day, how much input can he have?

OP posts:
Habbibu · 06/10/2007 15:18

Lord, 2 hot, I sincerely hope not, else I've got a year before I don my pinny and Marigolds for good. Husband has a little longer to learn car maintenance...

vacua · 06/10/2007 15:18

That's just silly and you know it, I'm 36 and usually go out with older men and I've never come across that sort of attitude held with any seriousness. Either you are making this up for a laugh or are caught in some sort of time warp.

BecauseImWereWolfit · 06/10/2007 15:19

Your age?! I'm 48 and dh is 49 - he shares all aspects of bringing up our children and was just as comfortable with changing nappies as I was. The only thing he couldn't do was breastfeed, but he used to wake during the night to keep me company, until I told him there was no point him losing sleep as well.

Equality of the sexes is not a recent thing you know!

zippitippitoes · 06/10/2007 15:19

so what has your age got to do with the price of quiche..you aren't 86

though you sure do sound like you are lol

maybe you should ask him if he'd like to be more of a hands on dad you could have an interesting conversation

LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 06/10/2007 15:20

Plenty 2hot2cook, how many days a week does he work??What time does he leave for work??What time do your children go to bed/get up?What are their ages??

Also, I do not thinkage has anything to do with it, there are many parents the same age range as you, and older, whose parenting skills are not related to their sex.

LyraSilvertongue · 06/10/2007 15:21

My DP is home about 7.30pm from work each day and he still helps put DSs to bed, reads them a story etc. And at weekends/holidays/random days off he shares the childcare 50/50.
By the way, we're 36 and 42, so it's not an age thing.

vacua · 06/10/2007 15:21

My mum always worked full time and shared various of the household/parenting tasks with my dad, this is not a generation thing, more likely an undereducation or tongue-in-cheek thing.

BecauseImWereWolfit · 06/10/2007 15:22

What I do:

Work (very) full time, running my own business
Most of the cooking
The shopping
Sorting out children's clothes (i.e. the buying of)
Planning holidays

What dh does:

Works full time
Empties the dishwasher every morning
All the washing and drying
Empties the bins
Sorts out the recycling

We have a cleaner who deals with the cleaning and the ironing.

A pretty equal division of labour - and it has always been like this. I never expected it to be any different.

Bienchen · 06/10/2007 15:22

If you want to be involved you find the time...

DP leaves for work before 5 every morning, works most Saturdays, usually back for 5:30, studies with the OU and still finds time for all of us and the dog!

And guess what, he can cook, clean, change nappies, bathe and feed a baby,...

Lulumama · 06/10/2007 15:23

my DH works late. often not in until 9 or 10 pm so he will give the DCs breakfast . and the nights he is home earlier, he spends time with them, or i keep them up later on a friday, when he can be home at a more reasonable hour...

and of course there are weekends. i presume your DH has weekends at home

and the age thing is a red herring

feminism cannot have completely passed you by at 37

BecauseImWereWolfit · 06/10/2007 15:23

Oh forgot - dh also does the dcs breakfast every morning.

2hot2cook · 06/10/2007 15:23

vacua; dh has always worked very long hours, so i think we've fallen into the traditional roles through circumstance rather than choice (maybe?) i wish he had more time to spend with us, but just the way it is.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 06/10/2007 15:24

ah, i thikn we are getting to the root of it

you want him to be more involved

you want to be able to talk to him

but you cannot

so you are trying to shape everyone elses lives to be the same, so you don;t feel so crapola about it...

daisyandbabybootoo · 06/10/2007 15:25

maybe if he had a better work/life balance the joining in with the parenting would just slot into place?

It must be difficult for him to be involved if he doesn't get home till past the DC's bedtime. Is he happy about this? Maybe he doesn't get involved because he feels his involvement isn't needed or wanted?

My DH works away all week so when he comes home on a Friday I tend to step back and let hime do everything. It's my chance for a well earned break and his to catch up and spend some time with our DCs. All I do at weekends is cook (but not all meals) and feed our DD (although I save some ebm so I can get a lie in at least one day)

zippitippitoes · 06/10/2007 15:25

this is sadder and sadder..no it's not the way it has to be..change it..talk to each other about stuff and make yourselves happier...I'm sure you will find out a whole new side to each other

vacua · 06/10/2007 15:25

each to their own I suppose but anyway, do you still feel the same way about men using the site?

MarsLady · 06/10/2007 15:27

Yes completely!

Oh and the name doesn't need changing!

Habbibu · 06/10/2007 15:28

2hot, the more I read the more I think it would be good for you to talk to some of the men on here. You don't have to divide jobs just the same as other people here, but maybe looking at the options would be good. Can your husband not do some child stuff at the weekends at least?

LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 06/10/2007 15:28

2hot2cook, are you sure that you arent just jealous that some of these dads care enough to be on a parenting forum when you feel that DH isn't doing maybe as much as you'd like.

If so, I suggest that maybe you're partly to blame for it! It can be very hard for a dad to come home and try to do stuff with his dc's only to feel useless.

lucyellensmum · 06/10/2007 15:30

Where's Xenia, she'll sort all this out!!

ROTFL!! Why is gassing on the net a famle thing?? Ive found it to be quite the opposite. I have a whole bunch of "buddies" on my AOL messenger thing ALL men, never really found the women have anything to say that interests me. No really, but you guys are different and im pleasantly surprised that i while the hours away on here with a bunch of feisty likeminded parents!

As for men not being comfortable changing nappies WTF?? My DP changed DDs nappies from day one, why wouldnt he - i have to admit that he will pass the buck on the horrible poo down the leg jobbies but he is actually so blardy disorganised and a little bit squeemish that it really is easier if i do it. My DP ADORES his little girl and likes doing all the girlie things with her (although she isnt actually that girly - neither am i). I do remember my MIL saying that if she were out and her children soiled their nappies her DH would leave them for her, and looked quite miserable about DP changing DD's nappy. I put her straight about that - told her i thought that was outrageous and that it wouldnt even have occured to DP to not do it, i remember the first time he did it, he arsed it up big time as he was scared of pressing too hard with the cotton wool, bless him. But i guess that is a generational thing. Saying that, my father always changed mine, bathed me, sat with me when i was sick etc etc.

IF the OP isnt actually a troll and feels she wants to play the martyr to her lazy arse husband then thats up to her, but dont be trying to disguise it as a masculine v effeminate new age man. My DP is as masculine as they come (built like a brick shit house, tattoo'd, builder) and has no problem with any of the baby stuff, he has even come along to M&T with me and has offered to take dd on his own when i have been sick ( i said i couldn't put him through that!).

I certainly don't hold with the notion that all men are hapless fools, i love men (and not just in a letchy pervy way!). Women and men ARE different, but not thankfully when it comes to being parents, they have equal amounts to offer. I guess the only thing that differs with us is DP is loving the fact that DD adores trains and tried to pull me into the model shop yesterday saying choo choo choo choo, and im a bit well, YAWN!!!

vacua · 06/10/2007 15:31

I can't see the point of going to all the trouble of living with a man if they don't involved in helping with the children/housework AND you can't talk about intimate stuff with them. Are they just a paypacket?

LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 06/10/2007 15:35

You tell 'er LEM

Can I ask what saucepans you use 2hot???

2hot2cook · 06/10/2007 15:38

your dh/dp sound great.
yes he is at home weekends. (out with ds now) i dont mind it being like this tbh, all used to it, and quite happy!

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 06/10/2007 15:44

don't lets go down that road again lorayn - even I'M bored of saucepans now

Actually 2hot2cook, if it works for you and you are genuinely happy thats fantasic

Are you worried that your DH wont like you talking to men online? Its not like there are ever any direct conversation.