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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girlfriend is depressed.

35 replies

HannahLouise222222 · 02/09/2020 17:51

I'm a girl too btw.
Been together a year and with the coronavirus she feels her life is going nowhere as she has been furloughed and then is on the brink of losing her job.
She also crys about other stuff. It's like any minor problem and she crys.
She says she feels hopeless ect.

We don't live together but she's been crying on the phone a lot lately and most of the time she doesn't know what she's crying about.

This has happened a lot recently and she always says she's really sorry.
I am okay with this but sometimes I find it a bit tedious. But I do try my best to help her.
AIBU that this could come in the way of our relationship?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 02/09/2020 18:05

Well the fact you find her depression “tedious” will probably get in the way of your relationship, yes.

Marshmallow91 · 02/09/2020 18:10

Yes. Break up with her and let her find help from a professional, friend or other partner who doesn't describe her mental health problems as "tedious" HTH Hmm

Alwaysoutofreach · 02/09/2020 18:16

My husband will hold my hand through every tear, as I would him.
I have been massively emotional lately, absolutely breaking down at the most mundane things, then im fine.

I don't have a clue what your asking, but supporting each other is key to a strong relationship, so yes, finding youe girlfriends emotions when she's having a rough time tedious, probably will have a negative effect on your relationship.

Maybe send some flowers/choccy bar/favourite takeaway, a little card (a popular app lets you send a free postcard a month) and offer to help find a new job would let her know you are by her side and will help all you can.

Trikc · 02/09/2020 18:17

Lots of people suffer depression and corona virus hasn’t helped. I am not sure you choice of words is the best but you are allowed to find it difficult too. You aren’t living together and presumably you don’t have kids; you are allowed to break up with her if you want. You should try to do it as kindly as possibly although that’s easier said than done sometimes. The worst thing would be to continue the relationship and start to feel more and more resentful. It’s not fair on her or you.
I don’t think you should continue the relationship unless you are happy to support her with her depression.

I think it’s ok to do what’s right for yourself. Sometimes relationships don’t work out.

BilboBercow · 02/09/2020 18:28

You do realise that depression is an illness don't you? I mean end it if you don't think you can be in a relationship with someone who is depressed but she's not doing it deliberately.

Have you encouraged her to speak to a gp at all?

Ishihtzuknot · 02/09/2020 18:31

I think you need to learn to be more sympathetic first of all. People who suffer with depression don’t do it on purpose or choose to feel the way they do, so sorry you find her tedious. If you truly want to help her then be supportive and encourage her to see a doctor. She should be able to come to you with her worries and issues knowing you’ll be there for her, if you can’t then it’s better you’re honest now before you hurt her further.

Towelrail7 · 02/09/2020 18:32

Hmm I’m guessing you are both quite young and maybe not that serious?

It sounds like this may well come in the way because it doesn’t sound like you’re able to support her through it.

I suffered PND after the birth of my now 4 year old. It nearly broke DH and I because he was of the “buck up” mentality. He has since changed his view and I have since had therapy and am better, but that did drive a wedge between us for a while. We are strong now though.

The best thing you can say is something like “I hear how unhappy you are. Is this something you feel ready to get help with?”. that’s all I wanted DH to say to me.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 02/09/2020 18:32

Well would you find it tedious if she had cancer? The important thing to recognise with mental health problems is that unless you are a mental health specialist you are no more likely to cure this disease than if she had cancer. She needs to see someone who specialises in helping deal with depression (if that is what she has).

But what she does need is people round her who will help,listen and understand her whilst she is receiving treatment-just like any other illness. Some people can do this others can’t -it’s not a judgement-people have different personalities. If you can’t do this then she deserves the opportunity to find someone who can. Treatment for mental health problems can take a long time and potentially could be a reoccurring life long issue. Are you the type of person to offer this kind of support, some people are, some people aren’t.

Re your partner’s treatment, does she see a problem here? Many people live for years in a self protectionist denial -due to the external and internal stigma of poor mental health. If she does she should start off be seeing her GP (if she feels ready to try and find healing -otherwise nothing will work), they can discuss both short term and longer term options (usually drug treatment and talking therapy) she shouldn’t feel under pressure to use drug treatment if she doesn’t feel fully informed or comfortable with it. You can help here by helping her research and listening to her thoughts.

Many people are feeling like your partner at the moment -basically nihilistic, it will probably be recommended by the GP to try and do as much as she can. You can help by following her lead here and gently suggesting things to do (although you shouldn’t get upset if she’s not up to things).

If she has a religion suggest she speaks to the priest/rabbi etc.

Some people find a connection with music/poetry or another art form -encourage this.

If you think the problem is more general nihilism brought on by the current pandemic you could help by talking about what would give her meaning in life and help and support her work towards these goals.

Good luck

Original poster
HannahLouise222222 · 02/09/2020 18:40

I do talk to her about it and would listen to her all day if she needed;
I am probably rubbish at dealing with these things but she doesn't understand it herself.

She is happy and full of life one minute and then crying the next.

She always says she doesn't know what's wrong with her. The most i've gotten is she feels lost, like she doesn't know where her life is going, and that she feels she's going to have a breakdown any moment.

I tell her people have it worse but she says she doesn't care

OP posts:
MaggieMagpie1 · 02/09/2020 18:56

Please don't tell her that other people have it worse. She probably knows that but if she's depressed or anxious she likely won't care.

I think I'd break up with her too. As another poster said, purely so that she can find some proper help from someone who doesn't find people with mental health issues tedious.

Emancipated · 02/09/2020 18:59

Your girlfriend needs to see her GP and consider getting some therapy. Lots of people are suffering at the moment with furlough etc. It’s also not helpful to know other people have it worse, how she feels right now is very real to her and it’s important she seeks help.

NoemiaElara · 02/09/2020 19:20

I tell her people have it worse but she says she doesn't care

Jesus Christ! People also have it much better, does that mean we can never be happy or celebrate our victories?!

Honestly do a bit of research about depression please! You sound very young and naive.

Heischeatingisnthe · 02/09/2020 19:23

You sound about 18

Alwaysoutofreach · 02/09/2020 19:24

Telling her people have it worse is almost as bad as telling her to get over it.

Bad choice of word's, clearly she is having a hard time of it right now and her issues are very important to her.

As PP have suggested, she needs to speak to her GP and get some real support as I'm not sure your up to it.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 02/09/2020 19:24

I tell her people have it worse but she says she doesn't care

Is this a wind up then?

Towelrail7 · 02/09/2020 19:26

My DH used to say things like “people have it worse” and “you’re so lucky”. That would just make me feel really bad! I know you’re trying to help her put things into perspective but that’s impossible when you’re depressed.

All you can do is say that you hear her, and encourage her to get help.

I think I read that the rate of depression has doubled since the pandemic.

feelingsomewhatlost · 02/09/2020 19:27

Telling her other people have it worse is a very unkind thing to do, even if that wasn't your intention. It's not her fault that she's depressed, it's a mental illness, a chemical imbalance. She needs love and support so if you want to stay with her then I'd suggest educating yourself + reading up on depression and how to support someone, as a lot of what you will read on here is just other people's opinions.

ChaChaCha2012 · 02/09/2020 19:30

I'm very low at the moment and it has made me see what an utter twat my (now ex) partner is.

Tell your partner to post on MN. We'll help her find resources to help her through this difficult time, and also support her in leaving her completely unsympathetic, selfish partner.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 02/09/2020 19:30

@HannahLouise222222

I do talk to her about it and would listen to her all day if she needed; I am probably rubbish at dealing with these things but she doesn't understand it herself.

She is happy and full of life one minute and then crying the next.

She always says she doesn't know what's wrong with her. The most i've gotten is she feels lost, like she doesn't know where her life is going, and that she feels she's going to have a breakdown any moment.

I tell her people have it worse but she says she doesn't care

Just because the person next to you is in a full body cast doesn't make your broken leg hurt any less...telling her others have it worse is probably the least helpful thing you can do. It just adds guilt into the mix.
Original poster
HannahLouise222222 · 02/09/2020 19:37

I didnt realise the 'other people have it worse' saying was a bad thing; all I meant was she doesnt need to worry about money right now as she has a couple of thousand saved and things will work out and she doesnt have as much outgoings as some people do. I didnt mean for it to come across bad Blush

Im not 18, i'm 24.

OP posts:
CrazyToast · 02/09/2020 19:39

OP I dont think you are being mean or dismissing an illness. You arent a saint and you didnt sign up to be a carer. It is ok to feel irritated or resentful in these situations. It is normal when a set of bad circumstances comes your way. It doesnt mean you dont care and as long as you arent telling your gf she is tedious, there is no real harm. It is very difficult to be the partner of someone with depression.

Original poster
HannahLouise222222 · 02/09/2020 19:39

It makes me feel awful that she says she feels no good and luck never comes her way and that she feels she'll never have security in life; i want her to be happy but clearly i need to learn more about mental health after this thread

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 02/09/2020 19:42

I tell her people have it worse but she says she doesn't care

Do you feel happy and fulfilled in this relationship? Do you want it to continue?

Original poster
HannahLouise222222 · 02/09/2020 19:42

@CrazyToast she's never actually been diagnosed woth depression. She has been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder years ago but came off the meds after she didnt like the idea of taking medication.

I know her as being happy and giggly and smiley. But the past 2 months it's been very up and down. She can be very happy and silly but then she'll go on a low and cry about everything and how rubbish her life is. And I don't mean just the sniffly tearful cry but full on blubbering and like she's hyperventalating

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 02/09/2020 19:53

“ I tell her people have it worse but she says she doesn't care”

I can only assume you’re completely lacking in compassion or this is a wind up.

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