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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

help me plan my wedding

51 replies

weddingstressincovid · 02/09/2020 10:08

Hello wise people of MN please help me!

DP and I were getting married in UK somewhere which ticked our boxes but the location which is quite far from us has no significance. The venue went bust in COVID which I was partly happy about (it's someone's house (an estate) and they just don't want to refund people because they're greedy so closed their business). We would have had 50-60 guests.

We decided on a new venue which does mean something to us, in another country (lets ignore COVID for now) and we are doing it on the same date. Now only with 30 people who are all family or best friends.

However, due to language barriers we have chosen to not have the legal ceremony abroad. We will have a church ceremony and reception there but the church ceremony is more symbolic and not legal.

So here's the decision:

get married in a beautiful registry office in London (we are from just outside, all family can easily commute in and I work in London) followed by a meal at a local gastro pub, £40 a head menu plus we will buy a few bottles. The rest people can get their own.
get married in the local church which is Catholic. DP isn't catholic but is willing to do what he needs to do to get married there as I am catholic, however, he doesn't believe in it. The church is lovely and 3 mins from our house, it is 10 mins from my parents and brother, and a 1.5 hour drive for his side of the family. I'd then find a local restaurant we go to and do the same as above but it would workout slightly cheaper.

Option 1 is easy to do. We really don't want it to be seen as the big affair as we want our abroad wedding to be the thing we all celebrate.

What makes more sense?

OP posts:

Didntwanttochangemyname · 02/09/2020 10:15

Personally I'd go with option 1, but I'm not religious so the first snap church service would be meaningless to me.
If you are going abroad for a second service and party I'd keep the first one low key.

SoddingWeddings · 02/09/2020 10:22

So, legal wedding in UK, party abroad? I wouldn't be travelling abroad in the next year for a wedding party that isn't a legal ceremony - all that money!

Have you asked any of your guests if they are prepared to pay to come abroad with you?

Original poster

weddingstressincovid · 02/09/2020 10:24

@SoddingWeddings

So, legal wedding in UK, party abroad? I wouldn't be travelling abroad in the next year for a wedding party that isn't a legal ceremony - all that money!

Have you asked any of your guests if they are prepared to pay to come abroad with you?

all guests are happy to go abroad, we are paying for it all. The majority is family.

OP posts:

NavyBerry · 02/09/2020 10:27

Option 2 will mean no church abroad?

Star81 · 02/09/2020 10:33

Honestly, I would just do a registry office if it’s just being done here for legality with a couple of witnesses and then you can have a nice day together afterwards with a meal.

Both of your options are basically asking people ( even if just family) to go to 2 weddings. After I’d been to the first I’d wonder why I was going abroad for another !

Pukkatea · 02/09/2020 10:49

I don't know the specifics, but isn't getting everything in place for the Catholic wedding going to be quite a lot of hassle? For that reason, unless it really means a lot to you, I wouldn't bother.

ShellsAndSunrises · 02/09/2020 10:52

I'd do 1 - both because I think getting people to a church here will really undermine your abroad wedding, and you don't want that, but also because it's not that easy to get married in a Catholic Church, there's a lot of paperwork and hassle, and it doesn't seem to mean enough for either of you.

We got married two weeks ago in the UK but did debate abroad. We decided that if we did that, we'd either legally get married where we were going, or we'd have a registry office ceremony with just us and 2 witnesses - anything else risks that people consider the UK one your wedding, as it's the "real" one. A registry office slightly lowers that risk, only having the 2 of you lowers it more as people haven't already had the chance to celebrate with you.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/09/2020 10:56

Haven’t you already got a tread about having invited 60 guests now have to univite them? And now you want tow weddings, one local and one abroad? With just 30 guests?

I think you need to step back and take a look at yourself!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 02/09/2020 11:04

I'd do option 1 but then wouldn't waste money on a wedding reception abroad.. It's totally stupid to get married in a Catholic church which your husband-to-be doesn't believe in.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2020 11:07

Two church weddings seems a lot particularly when one of you is not religious...

goldpinkflowers · 02/09/2020 11:11

How about getting legally married in the registry office, just you and your partner? You both could then have a really nice meal after just the two of you.
Then you could have your big wedding celebration abroad, with the church ceremony & reception with all of your guests.
Otherwise your guests will be confused as to why you are having two weddings and wedding reception meals. Also you can put the money that you would have spent on the meals here towards the abroad wedding.

Jagoda · 02/09/2020 11:19

I don't understand.

So when you go abroad you will already be married? So that's not a wedding it's just a holiday, yes? But you want to invite and pay for lots of people to come on holiday with you?

You won't be doing the whole ceremony/white dress thing twice will you?

LadyFrumpington · 02/09/2020 11:29

Option 1

Silentplikebath · 02/09/2020 11:32

Option 1. I’d also save lots of money, worry and hassle for everyone by not going abroad. I know people have said they are happy to travel for the trip but I guarantee they will all be delighted if you say there’s no overseas bit now

MaskingForIt · 02/09/2020 11:32

It is a Register Office, or a Registration Office. There is no such thing as a “registry wedding”, unless you mean a gift-grab list, which is usually called a “wedding registry”.

minnieok · 02/09/2020 11:48

I would just book a local registry office or your parish church (who have to marry you) plus 2 witnesses. Your wedding will be the one you are planning overseas.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/09/2020 11:50

I don't get this, why do you need 2 events?

ApolloandDaphne · 02/09/2020 12:02

I would do either:

Tiny registry wedding here, just both of you and witnesses and big celebration abroad.
Or
Bigger registry wedding here with dinner and no celebration abroad. Go on honeymoon by all means but no other guests.

I would not do the catholic church at all of your DP is not catholic.

TheNanny23 · 02/09/2020 12:13

Unless you are talking about a wedding in 2022 onwards I would not be making any plans beyond the registry office and the pub. Otherwise you will be setting yourself up for a lot of anxiety waiting to see if it happens or not!

I think the culture of abroad weddings and stags/hens is really going to change in light of Covid- 19.

We are double income no kids, and used to go on 3-4 foreign holidays a year. However we are not going to risk it, and would be declining any abroad weddings and sending a gift instead!

Can you get married in the register office and have the abroad blessing just the two of you?

Lyricallie · 02/09/2020 12:20

Have you spoken to the priest to even see if it's feasible to get married in that church? I'm getting married in a Catholic church (I'm Catholic) and there's quite a lot to do. You need to tell the priest with X amount of months you plan to get married. You need to regularly attend mass (usually before telling him you want to get married they usually can tell if people are just going to get married). Then there are about 6 weeks of classes (although if you're in a bigger diocese they sometimes do a group session over a few weekends).

Just stuff to check as it might rule it out and make your decision easier.

katy1213 · 02/09/2020 12:23

Why not just get married? Once?

seayork2020 · 02/09/2020 12:25

Why 2 events?

KeepingPlain · 02/09/2020 12:28

Why do you want to waste money on two weddings? Just have one wedding.

Doesn't really matter on the other two options, but I'd probably go with option one personally.

AuntieStella · 02/09/2020 12:29

I would go for option 1 and bin the idea of having an abroad wedding as well

Or just go to the nearest registry office (with just parents as witnesses) and have a very basic legal ceremony followed by a nice lunch

I wouldn't have 2 wedding-y weddings

Personally, I'd stick in the UK, because it is far from clear when international travel will be reliable again. The risk of quarantine (from UK arrivals at destination) would mean your wedding might not go ahead, and the risk on return is a huge thing to ask of others

Florencex · 02/09/2020 13:06

I was brought up as a catholic although I am not now, but I would never expect my atheist husband to go through a catholic wedding. It is our wedding not just mine, so that rules out the second option and I would go with registers office.

Like other posters, the point of the second wedding is totally lost on me. I would be annoyed to be expected to attend two weddings, it seems almost arrogant to expect people to indulge you to that extent. Adding to that is the whole complication of going overseas in these times.

Make up your mind what you want and have one wedding.

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