Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is this unreasonable?

34 replies

Helendee · 01/09/2020 22:52

I have four adult children ( 3 married sons and my DD lives with her partner).
We all get on well but I always give my own children more for their birthdays than their partners. For Christmas I give joint presents and money.
I am not wealthy but my tradition is to give my kids £100 each and a present and my three DILs and DD’s partner £50 and a present. In my family it’s always been like that and my Mil gives my husband more than she gives me which is fine by me, also my children get less from their partners’ families.
Does this seem mean though? Should I give my kids less and more to their partners? I hate upsetting anyone. My own four don’t have a lot spare to spend on themselves so I like to buy them nice things when I can.

OP posts:

GameofChess · 01/09/2020 22:54

I think it is perfectly reasonable.

Has someone said it isn't?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2020 22:56

Why would you give you in law children more? I guess at most you could even it up but it would be weird to swing the other way. And if your own kids get less from the parent in laws then it sounds like it all balances out

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 01/09/2020 22:59

That seems like a lot of money (plus present!) for adult children, and more than generous to their partners.

I really don’t think anyone should be complaining. You sound very generous indeed!

Original poster

Helendee · 01/09/2020 23:02

Hi!
Yes someone told me that my children’s’ partners are as much a part of the family as my own and should be treated the same.

OP posts:

thistimelastweek · 01/09/2020 23:02

I give the same to children and their long-term partners.
It's just a gift, not their inheritance.

unchienandalusia · 01/09/2020 23:04

Err wow. No you're not AIBU at all and err that is also some pretty generous gift giving there. Whoever said otherwise is BVU.

Original poster

Helendee · 01/09/2020 23:04

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

Thank you, I love buying presents for my guys.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/09/2020 23:06

I think it is a bit odd myself.
Once married, I think I'd see my Dils or SiLs as part of my family.
My parents and dh's parents haven't halved what they would normally spend for some members of the family. I think that is strange.
That said, we don't spend anything like those amounts of birthday / Christmas presents.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/09/2020 23:08

My parents have always given my brothers and I big presents and amounts of money and smaller more token - though always thoughtful - gifts to our partners and I don’t think any of the partners think this is in any way unfair or unusual. They may be part of the family but they aren’t their children.

Anthilda · 01/09/2020 23:08

Far too generous.
Anyway, your money, spend it as you wish and dont give a shit what others think.

Cloudtraffic · 01/09/2020 23:11

We give “couple presents” now as DC are all married or in relationships- so far easier

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2020 23:13

That’s a lot of money. Can you afford it? Do your children give you very generous gifts?

I think it’s fine in principle. Whoever commented doesn’t know your family and it’s nothing to do with them.

Original poster

Helendee · 01/09/2020 23:16

@ComtesseDeSpair

That’s exactly how I feel. I’m very fond of my children’s’ partners but they aren’t my children and I would be lying if I said I felt the same way about them. However I do try to buy things I know they want and like and I do care about them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helendee · 01/09/2020 23:19

@AnneLovesGilbert

None of them have much spare cash but they all give me things they know I will live, e.g photos in frames of my grandchildren, home made gifts from the little ones etc...

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2020 23:19

Sounds very nice to me! I speak as a DIL who is given very nice presents from PIL but not as generous as my DH.

I think it’s about the thought and disparity more than the absolute amount.

If my DH got a £300 present but I got a £10 amazon voucher that would feel a bit off. But £50 is a very nice gift and would feel like a treat regardless of DH getting significantly more.

Merryoldgoat · 01/09/2020 23:19

You sound like a very caring mother and MIL.

Original poster

Helendee · 01/09/2020 23:23

@Merryoldgoat

Thank you. That’s a very kind things to say.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 01/09/2020 23:26

You sound lovely. I buy my DS’s long term partners a nice but not huge gift and buy the DS some bigger gifts. However, throughout the year we will treat the two of them to meals out, holidays etc in which they are treated the same.

Once they are married or have children I guess I’d probably give more of a joint gift or give on the basis of need at that time. Life isn’t all about Christmas and birthdays, I’d be happier to find something along the way that they needed.

KitKatfortwo · 01/09/2020 23:33

I think by and large (and excluding complete craziness ) most of us just accept our partners family traditions without giving them too much thought. I'd be interested to know who said you were mean/wrong OP, unless it's any of your DC's or their partners I would suggest they mind their own business and leave you all to your perfectly satisfactory arrangement

Polnm · 01/09/2020 23:39

My DD has just moved on with her boyfriend (bought a home)

I have told her that they will now get an over 25 gift rate (I still have 2 younger at home). But they will both get the same as each other

My MIL sends my DH a token but doesn’t send me anything and is erratic/forgetful with the children. My parents give everyone the same and I prefer that

Unsure33 · 01/09/2020 23:40

I do exactly the same. For birthdays . For Christmas probably more even and a gift like a theatre trip .

BlueJag · 01/09/2020 23:46

No adult gets a present for Christmas at all. We stopped many years ago.
It's very nice of you.

JessicaBlack101 · 01/09/2020 23:50

I think the in-laws appreciate the fact that you give them something, and wouldn't worry about the $ value.

When things get down to matching value dollar for dollar, then the headache is not worth it.

MintCassis · 01/09/2020 23:56

My parents always got exactly the same from both sets of my grandparents at Birthdays and Christmas and that’s what they do now with me and DP. Once we got engaged my Christmas gifts got smaller and we both get equal. He actually got more than me last year as they miscounted and he got an extra gift. I didn’t mind as they really enjoy treating him and it’s nice they make him feel part of the family and our Christmas gift traditions.

At his parents later in the day though there was a sizeable difference between the gifts his parents gave us. The monetary value didn’t bother me, but the not being included in some of the gift traditions hurt, like I wasn’t part of the family.

SueEllenofDallas · 01/09/2020 23:59

PIL give me £50 for my birthday which is very generous but ...
DD (16) gets a gift worth £100+ for hers (as well as £50 a month pocket money from them) and
DH gets £200 for birthday

So the message from them is quite clear!

Flip

1 2