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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents are so forceful!!

28 replies

EllieToday · 01/09/2020 18:20

So, me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and we've decided that towards the end of October were going to buy our own house. So, we've both made the decision to save as much money as possible and not go on holidays/spend unnecessarily.

However, mid-October my parents are going away with my grandparents and initially we were invited. We've told them were not going to go because it's more important to us to get a house and have as much money as possible.

Tonight, my mum has asked me for the 12th/13th time if we can come in October!! She's been making me feel so guilty about not coming but they've rented all their lives and I feel like they don't understand that we've had to save a deposit (just over £16,000!!) She's telling me all sorts like, "we don't see you anymore!!" And "all you do is work"...

Am I being unreasonable?
She's hurting my feelings and she knows she is.
It's such a guilt trip and I really don't know what to do!! We never do anything together anymore and she's basically just told me, "well come on holiday with us then!!"...

What do I do?!

OP posts:

IvyEf · 01/09/2020 18:23

Just keep repeating, 'no we're not coming.' again and again if necessary.

When she asks why, you say 'because we are saving money'.

Not difficult surely assuming you're not fobbing them off rather than being clear.

She'll get bored eventually.

p0ptart · 01/09/2020 18:23

That's tricky. It's coming from a good place I think, but it's not on making you feel guilty for something that's completely normal (saving to buy a house). Maybe reiterate that buying a house is important to you and you really won't be able to go on holiday with her this time, but maybe next time, and arrange to have a nice dinner with her at hers or yours sometime soon? Or even regular dinners/coffees, so she knows you still care about her. Good luck OP!

ZzzMarchhare · 01/09/2020 18:23

My family did this over a holiday over Christmas when I work in a hospital and can’t get all the bank holidays off. It drove me mad- sorry no help but sympathy

Ragwort · 01/09/2020 18:27

Of course you are not being unreasonable - just repeat 'we are saving for our house, we do not want to go on holiday' ... and if she keeps on .... 'Mum, let's not have this discussion yet again'.

Timeforabiscuit · 01/09/2020 18:28

Have you got any siblings? It does seem "a lot" from your parents, do you catch up regularly by phone or is it more sporadic visits?

Could it be a knee jerk reaction to you setting up your adult life? Or concern about grandparents seeing you? Have they always been a bit like this?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 18:30

Ignore your mother. You have a goal so stick to it. If she can't understand that, too bad for her.

RealMermaid · 01/09/2020 18:48

Next time she does it just say "well as you know, we can't afford it, but if you're offering to pay for us, that would be great!"

Either you'll get a free holiday or she'll never mention it again...

jessycake · 01/09/2020 19:09

You are not being unreasonable , but I suppose your grandparents are not getting any younger . Would it set you back a lot of money ? Because when I was young I would have found it really annoying , but now I'm older I wish I had put more effort in with my grandparents ,as I took it for granted things would be the same forever.

cptartapp · 01/09/2020 19:13

All my parents and grandparents are dead. I have never regretted not spending time with them in specific circumstances. I made the decision to do what suited me best at the time. None unreasonable. People live into their 90's and beyond now, and any GP worth their salt would understand your situation and encourage you.
Is it that your parents don't really want to holiday alone with your GP?
As a grown adult you do what you want of course. Just as your parents do.

MatildaTheCat · 01/09/2020 19:21

‘Kerching! That’s the 10th time you’ve asked me. Make it 11 times for a mystery prize. Seriously Mum, we aren’t coming on holiday as I’ve explained 10 times. When we get the house it will all be worth it.’

Next time, ‘Mum, I said no and meant no. Please don’t lets fall out over this. Let it drop please.’

Chloemol · 01/09/2020 19:27

Just keep saying sorry we can’t afford it, on repeat

If she continues to carry on say we can’t afford it, are you going to pay for us

Timekeeper2 · 01/09/2020 19:38

It sounds like she resents you for doing what she recognises she should have done....bought a home. So to ease her jealousy/feelings of resentment/regret, whatever, she is purposely not acknowledging your buying a house, if my words make any sense.

Original poster

EllieToday · 01/09/2020 19:39

@jessycake

My grandparents are mid 60's now. I'm constantly worried about something happening to them and not spending enough time with them but I do see them quite often, we go for days out and we've been on holiday already this year - even though we couldn't afford it - with the entire family, I'd love to go but I can't, they've told my I only needed petrol money but they said that on the previous holiday and we spent £700+.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 01/09/2020 19:42

"Mum I don't understand why you keep asking the same question, are you feeling ok? In case it slipped your mind, we're super excited about our new house so are working and saving madly your sort that out. Hopefully next year we'll be more financially secure and can come with you."

Tappering · 01/09/2020 19:43

Mid-60s is young!

we've been on holiday already this year - even though we couldn't afford it - with the entire family, I'd love to go but I can't, they've told my I only needed petrol money but they said that on the previous holiday and we spent £700+.

Next time your Mum pressures you, tell her no, and it's because of that.

Beautiful3 · 01/09/2020 19:51

Just say no. Getting a house is so worth while. Keep saving and get that house!

BMW6 · 01/09/2020 19:54

"Mum I've told you repeatedly that we are NOT coming and why. Change the record"

ConkerGame · 01/09/2020 19:58

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. Pressure from parents makes you feel so guilty, doesn’t it?!

If I were you I’d just stick to facts. “No mum; we can’t afford it as we’re saving for a house, remember?” And repeat. If she says “why are you bothering with that?” You can just say “it’s for our long-term security as a family and that’s our top priority at the moment”.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 20:00

Tell your mother she is being ridiculous. You see your parents and grandparents frequently. It's not as though you never do. Stay focused on buying a home.

Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 01/09/2020 20:01

If you’ve already been on holiday this year with them, then even more so you shouldn’t give in to the pressure. Your mum should be proud if you for working so hard to save the money and for being willing to make sacrifices to reach your goals. Some people almost can’t stand it when other people are frugal or saving money. Just keep standing your ground and tell her you’ve given your answer quite a few times already.

GabsAlot · 01/09/2020 22:53

just say the last time it cost us 700 pounds so no we cant

where are they going anyway its not a great time for holiday

Ragwort · 02/09/2020 06:38

Mid 60s is nothing these days ... I am early 60s with DPs in their late 80s and even now I don't constantly think about 'how little time they have left' . Presumably your DPs are therefore only mid 40s - why can't they enjoy holidays on their own? Personally I don't get why people need to go on group family holidays when you are adults, I am on holiday now and there are a lot of miserable looking family groups - bored grandparents, fed up youngish parents and hyperactive grandchildren- not my idea of a holiday .

jessycake · 02/09/2020 08:52

@EllieToday I'm early 60s lol , I was imagining them to be a lot older . So I would say stay behind and save for the house especially as you have already spent time with them .

PoppyFleur · 02/09/2020 08:58

How did the last trip change from just petrol money to £700+?
Are they asking you to come and help subsidise the holiday? Or was that the total cost of your own expenses/meals out?

Original poster

EllieToday · 02/09/2020 09:58

@PoppyFleur

How did the last trip change from just petrol money to £700+? Are they asking you to come and help subsidise the holiday? Or was that the total cost of your own expenses/meals out?

Basically we ended up going out with them a lot and we felt guilty for not chipping in/we went for a meal once and the rest was drinks and food, they told us they'd cover things but they're having money troubles of their own so we didn't want to sponge off them.

It's so difficult to not spend money on holiday!! Your on holiday so your bound to drink/eat/it was self catering too so shopping as well, same as the holiday in October so I can't do it again.

OP posts:

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