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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child custody....

49 replies

Happymummy8888 · 01/09/2020 10:40

Myself and husband broke up nearly three years ago. I have moved on with another partner living together life is very settled and DD is thriving. exh has had numerous girlfriends introduced to DD and brought on holiday every time with them.

ExH earns very good money he should be giving me £380 child maintance but when we first broke up he told me if I went to CSA he would go for 50/50 knowing that would devestate me so I accepted his £200 offer. He sees DD at least once a week but has been known to drop her back early or not take her as he has 'drinks with mates' planned. He books himself on holidays and tells me dats before contact he won't be able to take her. I still get messages calling me a cnut and a bitch when I ask for arrangements to be changed slightly or if I won't jump when he asks.

Life is getting more expensive so last night I asked him like he be able to give £30 extra a month. He told me he would rather die. He then said he wants DD 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next. If I don't agree he'll bring me to court. Can he just bring me in because he has decided this is what he wants all of a sudden? We don't have a court order in place.

OP posts:

IfIHadAHeart · 01/09/2020 10:42

He is bluffing. It’s a control thing. Go to the CSA and get what you’re owed!! He will not push for 50/50.

steff13 · 01/09/2020 10:43

Yes, I think so.

WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 01/09/2020 10:45

He is manipulating you. Go and get what you're owed through CSA. Call his bluff!

Florencex · 01/09/2020 10:45

Yes either parent can go to court. It sounds like he is bluffing over the 50:50 if he struggles to stick to the existing arrangements. I think I would go to court.

Original poster

Happymummy8888 · 01/09/2020 10:46

His new girlfriend has kids so I think having her more now suits him for the minute

OP posts:

Enoughnowstop · 01/09/2020 10:46

He doesn't want 50/50. Sure, he can take you to court for it but there is a clear reason here why that has happened and a judge is unlikely to be sympathetic in the circumstances. Keep all correspondence - texts, emails and voice messages for the forseeable future as you need to create a trail back to your not unreasonable request for additional money for your child when he is paying less than the legal minimum.

I would ask the CMS to assess and take it from there. What does he do for a living? What may happen to spite you - and this is probably more likely than the 50/50 thing - is go self employed if he possibly can.

Penhaligon · 01/09/2020 10:47

He doesn't want 50/50 custody. If he did, he'd have asked long ago and showed up every time he was supposed to.
He's punishing you for daring to ask for more money. It will cost him to take this to court so he probably won't want that either.

xoxogossipgirl2020 · 01/09/2020 10:48

If he can’t manage the one night a week then I can’t imagine he would want or be able to commit to his threat! That’s all it is - a threat. Make sure you keep any written correspondence moving forward just in case it ever does go to court, if he’s an unreliable father than I don’t see how he would have a leg to stand on. Go and get what you’re owed and don’t let yourself be controlled by this waste of space any further x

ZenZebra · 01/09/2020 10:48

Let him spend his money on taking it to court.

A parent who repeatedly cancels contact with his child because he wants to go drinking with his friends isn't going to want the reality of 50/50.

In any case the court will decide on what's best for DD. Having the routine that she's known for the past 3 years upturned is unlikely to be it.

Hang on to any texts you may have where he has cancelled but realistically he is using the threat of 50/50 to try to keep you in your place.

Original poster

Happymummy8888 · 01/09/2020 10:48

He is in a public sector role so can't go self employed. The CMS have assessed it before but then the threats started so I left it.

OP posts:

GinDrinker00 · 01/09/2020 10:49

If he wanted custody he’d of gotten it years ago. Go to csa and if he takes you to court keep proof of him dropping her off early/not having her etc. It won’t go in his favour. Keep proof of the abusive texts too.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 01/09/2020 10:49

Keep all communication to text or email oy and keep any shit he sends you especially if it's stating why he's going for 50/50.

PicsInRed · 01/09/2020 10:51

I'll give you the honest answer.
If you can live without the money, and if he is abusive (which it sounds like he is), and if spending more time with her father would be detrimental to your DD (which it sounds like it would be), I would consider leaving it.

If she was ordered 50/50 with her father and he was emotionally abusing HER now, how much would you be willing to pay for peace and safety? How much money would you save in not having gone to family court?

It's not fair, and it's not right, but the legal environment we live in isn't fair or right. He sounds like a controller and a punisher. If you can afford it, I would consider simply waiting the clock out until DD is 12 and her opinion is given weight by the family court.

Then apply for more child support, once DD can refuse to spend more time with him.

Didkdt · 01/09/2020 10:52

Can and will are very different fish.
Can he try to vary contact and residency- yes
Will he succeed -maybd but also maybe not
Will he actually take that step who knows?

Your daughter has needs, stability comfort food warmth clothes, and a right for her father to be providing adequate financial provision and beyond that maintaining her at a level that he can afford.
I'm afraid it's up to you to ensure she gets that right.

FunorFitness · 01/09/2020 10:53

He is bluffing. Go through the CSA. The judge will look dimly on his suddenly wanting more contact to avoid paying for his daughter.

If he is going to be paying for legal representation make sure you drag it out at as long as you can.

marly11 · 01/09/2020 10:56

The above advice is spot on. Years ago the way I eventually 'won' court cases against a very monied and abusive ex who was doing this, was being so totally organised with all my evidence he looked a fool. Be meticulous, is my advice, with all your paperwork and communications - and get the money you are owed. But do it if you are feeling like you have the strength to walk with your head high through his period of bluffing and threats which isn't always easy when you are tired and feeling hard done by. If not, save if for when you are. Good luck.

Sewsosew · 01/09/2020 10:58

Have you got the messages. Can you write down when he has cancelled, dropped her early.
He doesn’t want her those numbers of nights, he’s calling your bluff! He’s going to keep saying these things not to pay you money and for you not to go to court.
If you can wait I would keep building evidence against him.

I have a friend whose ex pays her £5 a week, she’s frightened to ask for more as he’s suggested he would stop seeing DS.

overacupofcoffee · 01/09/2020 11:02

Oh man I would be taking him to court yourself to end the threat and aggressive behaviour
Your entitlement is not to be adjusted to keep him happy
Can I ask what and why are you taking on this
You can
Ring a lawyer and make some legal set agreement
save your texts to a email folder
Block the texts and use communication by email instead of receiving nasty messages on your phone
Treat him as a business partner than a ex is how I was told to deal with any issues of emotional torment ( you obviously are)
Listen up it is for Your daughter and your stability to go to court for a formal arrangement
This will not change him being a no show, playing up if you did proceed
Whoever he has in his life as a gf is going to impact on your daughter and the crap they will tell her or fobing her off early etc.
Keep your relationship with her safe open and honest and as hard as it can be let her talk about it all.
You could of been me many years ago.. me so scared of the court system when really it's the saying "in he best interest of the child"
I think you will be quickly relieved of the bs text, emotional and mental games if you did seek legal help with him.
I dreaded the beginning then after it was complete no grey cloud was hanging over my head.
I suggest you claim for what your owed
Not give a damn what he says and know whatever happens that little girl needs parents or at least one to get life on track with stability.
Move on and find support for you
One day you will grow to feel pity for his behaviour is reflecting your doing the right thing
Sorry I'm passionate about trying to support people through this type of emotional crap when I had none and only shame. Head up!
Judges see through these morons too

Starbuggy · 01/09/2020 11:02

Go through CMS, he won’t actually go for 50/50, he’s just manipulating you. He sounds like a vile excuse of a man who’s happy to use his child as a pawn in his mind games with you. The court would presumably take a dim view of a father who repeatedly cancelled contact and didn’t act in the best interests of his child. Keep all the messages where he’s cancelled or refused a reasobable request or been abusive to you. If you don’t have it in writing keep a log of it all, but try and shift to communicating by text or email so there’s a paper trail of his abusive behaviour

Original poster

Happymummy8888 · 01/09/2020 11:07

When he gives her back early he rings so I have no 'proof' of that or he just drops her off. The last time I asked for more maintance he threatened to end his life. I have that in a text message. I'm fed up with him thinking he can control me all the time.

OP posts:

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 01/09/2020 11:07

In the nicest way, you need to grow a pair!

Don’t be brow beaten by his threads.

Go to the CSA and get what you are owed.

If he takes you to court, fine. You can meet his arguments there in an environment where he can’t be abusive and you get your turn to speak. Keep the abusive messages you’ve received and the messages where he only says he wants more contact when you ask for more of a contribution, with his reply of “I’d rather die”.

Keep a record of the times he flakes out on contact. If you haven’t don’t so far, try to remember and note some of the significant occasions when he’s done this (holidays etc) and then keep a diary going forward. Court won’t be impressed by his shitty record!

Alternatively go to court yourself (as well as going to CSA) and get something formalised.

Sewsosew · 01/09/2020 11:10

Write it down.
Write it all down in a factual way with exact times.

AppleKatie · 01/09/2020 11:10

Your proof is a written log that you keep.

Save all communication from him (and all you send him).

Be icily cool and factual about everything- imagine it’s all going to be read by your grandmother AND your boss - for tone.

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/09/2020 11:12

Go to the CSA. He can go to court for more access - and what hell get is eow and one night in the week. And he probably wont want even that. As for the suicide threats - classic control strategy. Ignore.

TOFO1965 · 01/09/2020 11:13

He sounds charming. Don't be blackmailed by him, I bet he doesn't want his daughter 50:50 at all, I'd deffo call his bluff there, and he's on good money but you're getting that pittance?! Pursue your claim! My husband is on the last leg of child maintenance now (9 months to go!) one child only left under the age of 18 and he's paying 1800.

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