Child custody....

[Happymummy8888]

Myself and husband broke up nearly three years ago. I have moved on with another partner living together life is very settled and DD is thriving. exh has had numerous girlfriends introduced to DD and brought on holiday every time with them.

ExH earns very good money he should be giving me £380 child maintance but when we first broke up he told me if I went to CSA he would go for 50/50 knowing that would devestate me so I accepted his £200 offer. He sees DD at least once a week but has been known to drop her back early or not take her as he has 'drinks with mates' planned. He books himself on holidays and tells me dats before contact he won't be able to take her. I still get messages calling me a cnut and a bitch when I ask for arrangements to be changed slightly or if I won't jump when he asks.

Life is getting more expensive so last night I asked him like he be able to give £30 extra a month. He told me he would rather die. He then said he wants DD 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next. If I don't agree he'll bring me to court. Can he just bring me in because he has decided this is what he wants all of a sudden? We don't have a court order in place.

Keep copies of all the messages so you can use them as evidence to show that he only wants more contact because of money. I’d go ahead with the claim though as otherwise he’s always going to use this as a threatZ

I think get more evidence and see how he goes for the next 4 weeks, bearing in mind the new GF has children. If he rings to bring DD back early you still have the call log, and can diarise that she came back early. You can then take a time stamped photo of DD back at your house.

You will have to bite the bullet. Also, bear in mind 50/50 doesn't actually mean no CMS. If he isn't collecting from school, giving meals, getting his own school uniforms, taking to medical appts etc there is still cms payable. ( this is stated on the CMS calculater, so anyone can double check this - the band for 175 days plus)

That being said, are you very reliant on the CMS money? Can you become less so? He sounds very vindictive so be prepared for his nastiness.

He sounds awful but he is entitled to go for more custody days even if it is just to reduce your CMS claim

Be careful of him saying “oh you only want the majority of care to get cms”. Remember this is not the case, and that you want the best for the child. He is trying to get 50:50 to avoid maintenance, not the other way around.

Go to the CSA and get what you're owed. He won't bother going to court, it's expensive and he can't be bothered with his child.

Communicate by text/email only and delete anything that doesn't relate to the child.

When he gives her back early he rings so I have no 'proof' of that or he just drops her off

You don't need proof. Just keep a diary. When my ex went through this stage, I just had a Word document with a table with headings date/issue. So any bad language used in front of the children, any putting me down, any handing back early, last minute change of arrangements etc. was all carefully documented. I also had an email folder with everything there and then every now and again, emailed myself the word document in case my computer failed.

If he has threatened suicide and you have proof of that, you have huge evidence of his 'instability'. Cut off his nose to spite his face with that one. Honestly, OP, just go to the CMS. The rest you can deal with if it happens - and I would put money on nothing happening or, possibly, him starting but not finishing a court case once he realises his lies won't be accepted as truths.

I would personally go via CMS. If he has not been able to stick to the current contact arrangements, I seriously doubt that he's actually going to go to the effort and expense of taking you to court, but just in case he does, keep excellent records as the above posters have suggested, and at the first possible opportunity you show that text message to the court saying he will commit suicide if he has to increase his payments. Then he can enjoy the rigmarole that Cafcass will put him through in order to assess his mental health situation.

People like him (and my ex that did the same) make me really mad, because they use the mental health card as a threat, which makes a mockery of those who do have serious mental health issues and need actual help. I also have no time for parents who constantly cut their contact time with their children because they have better things to do. Your poor child :(

He sounds like a dick but 50/50 is only fair.

50/50 is only fair.

Contact decisions aren't made on the basis of what is "fair" to the parents but what is in the best interests of the child.

Is there any need for you to speak to him on the phone? You absolutely need to communicate by text/email ONLY. Don't answer the phone, if he calls, reply with a text message beginning 'sorry I missed your call just now, is everything OK?'. Tell him your phone is on silent or make something up. You need everything written for evidence.

He sounds like a dick but 50/50 is only fair

For who? It’s fair that a child with a parent who can’t manage to step up and see the child regularly has to spend half the time with someone who doesn’t care? Spend time with a parent who would happily deny them minimum maintenance? Or who will dump said child with his new partner and bigger off out rather than allow child to be safe with their other parent? Fair to the child when their parent threatens suicide as a means to control the actions of the other parent?

@ILoveFood87

He sounds like a dick but 50/50 is only fair.

Fair to the child?

Or fair to the father?

Who is the safest and far, far more nurturing parent in this case? What is best for the child?

What is more important, the needs of the child or the wants of the father?

My ex took me to court for every weekend. It was a slow process of supervised visits at contact centre where he struggled to contain his boredom (and pure hatred at seeing me).
Eventually, he was granted his wish. I don't think he ever believed he'd actually get every weekend and it was soon apparent he didn't want it. He started fabricating weekends he had to work, was ill, car broke down. Picked them up late, dropped them off early. Kids were telling me awful stories. I ended up taking the order back to court. He failed to attend. Contact was stopped and he hasn't contested, nor seen them for the last decade. He's calling your bluff OP.

He is a massive knob. Get as much evidence as you can. So he rings to say he'll be dropping back early.. confirm it by sending him a text "i know you said you're bringing child back early, but did you say 1.30 or 2". PLAY HIM AT HIS GAME. And if he gets wound up by text then that's even more for you. He is relying on you being weak.. so be the opposite!

The last time I asked for more maintance he threatened to end his life

Having to maintain his daughter properly makes him suicidal? Dear oh dear.

how do you manage to move onto another man and move him in before getting your child maintenance sorted???
So what if he makes threats? DEAL WITH IT!

how do you manage to move onto another man and move him in before getting your child maintenance sorted???

WTF? I’ve been divorced 10 years. Maintenance has never been sorted and probably never will be. Should I remain single for etiquette’s sake? OP is entitled to move on with her life, her ex has? Why are you not having a go at him?

Oh honey, you are too close to see he is manipulating you for entirely his own benefit. Nothing he is doing is for the good of his child.

He might take you to court - not a hope he’d get 50/50 contact if he can’t commit to what he already has. If he would really ‘rather die’ than pay more money for his child’s upkeep, I’m pretty sure the court wouldn’t be too sympathetic.

Call his bluff. Get CMS to get the money from him. Let him take you to court. He sounds like a piece of shit.

I’d go to the CMS and call his bluff- let him take you to court where you can point out the fact he’s blackmailed you for the last few years in order to pay less child support (financial abuse, regularly brings the child back early/doesn’t pick her up on time and there’s probably other things I’m sure as he sounds like an absolute cunt.

Assuming he even bothers his arse about shared residency. Sounds like your daughter wouldn’t fit into his lifestyle.

Hi all thanks for the advice-

The poster asking about why I'm living with another man without maintenance sorted...when we broke up he told me what he would give and if I didn't agree he's go 50-50. I panicked at the thought of having to go a week without seeing my child and agreed so never went the csa route but she is getting bigger her interests are getting more expensive Which was why I asked could he up it a bit ( he also has had a pay rise in the last two years so I thought my request was reasonable)

You need to call his bluff. He's manipulating you. Find your inner backbone. He won't kill himself, they never do.

Call his bluff, but tell him he has to supply his own school uniform/shoes/clothes/bedroom/wrap around care etc. Say you are up for a trial week and then refuse to step in if he wants to go to the pub or give up early. If he wants your DD 50/50 he has to pay for everything she needs in that time.

He will quickly say no when he realises He doesn’t want to work that hard or pay that much.

Or just go to the CSA, he hasn’t a leg to stand on as he can barely manage the time he has.

He will never get 50/50
With the way he’s been, Money he’s paying and contact he has. He’s bluffing.
Save ALL communication with him - start keeping a log now of when he sees DD, when he cancels and why. Screen shot everything and keep your comms swear free and polite at ALL times.
Use CSA for the money.