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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son having friend to have a sleepover at Dad's house

53 replies

JustineA · 01/09/2020 08:03

My 12 year old son attended a club last week where he spent the week with his two best friends. One of the evenings he was invited to his friend's house for tea and a sleepover. I declined due to the inability to maintain social distancing. The club my son attended was very stringent with social distancing, hand sanitisiting, toilet cleaning, etc.
My son spent the weekend with his Dad (we are divorced) and friend stayed for a sleepover. My son's Dad dropped friend back at his own house at the end of the sleepover, windows were up in the car and masks weren't worn. Son and friend slept in the same tiny bedroom.
I am upset at my son as he knew that this was against my wishes. Ex-husband says that it is completely within the guidelines. I don't think that it is. I know that my son can stay with his Dad but this is already two households, social distancing was not maintained in the house or the car. Additionally, this was completely unnecessary and I am livid at ex-husband. Ex-husband has already taken son to his mother's where other relatives came and he has taken him to his cousin's house (within the guidelines but I am still trying to limit contact wherever possible). Also I see the guidelines as an absolute minimum and that they aren't there to be pushed to the limits.
Am I being unreasonable or is ex-husband right? How would you feel?

OP posts:
Coldwinterahead1 · 01/09/2020 08:07

Is he going back to school this week? As far as I’m concerned that’s the end of social distancing. I’ve worked out that in my dts bubbles the whole school is linked via siblings. I think having time with friends is so important for kids mental well-being

PickAPi · 01/09/2020 08:08

Yabu

Potterpotterpotter · 01/09/2020 08:10

YABU.

LittleBearPad · 01/09/2020 08:10

I wouldn’t treat your DS and his dad as two households.

It probably did yours son good to spend time with his friend. Much more good than the limited risk he was exposed to.

kidsdrivingmemad · 01/09/2020 08:11

I agree with PP kids are back at school next week and social distancing will end for them. My son is off to a sleepover on Friday. The kids need to start to get back to normality unless they are or someone in their household is at serious risk.

PickAPi · 01/09/2020 08:12

It probably did yours son good to spend time with his friend. Much more good than the limited risk he was exposed to

Agree.

RedHelenB · 01/09/2020 08:12

They will be mixing before the end of the week with school. As you are now separated, Dad gets to make the decisions in his time. Sorry but yabu.

netstaller · 01/09/2020 08:12

Yabu - dads time and he will be back at school soon.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2020 08:14

Yabu.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/09/2020 08:17

I think it is fine. The risks to your DS are tiny.

Original poster
JustineA · 01/09/2020 08:18

Son was with his friend most of the week in a club so had spent time with him (socially distanced).

OP posts:
PostedTooSoon · 01/09/2020 08:20

Also I see the guidelines as an absolute minimum and that they aren't there to be pushed to the limits

Just because you feel this way doesn't mean your ex husband has to. He's perfectly within his rights to make his own parenting decisions when your son is with him.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 01/09/2020 08:24

YABU

Ugzbugz · 01/09/2020 08:27

YABU

JaggySplinter · 01/09/2020 08:27

I absolutely agree with PP. You need to respect your exH's parenting choices. They are as valid as yours and he is equally a parent to your DS with the same rights.

FWIW, I am cautious and wouldn't have had the sleepover. But it wasn't your decision to make.

SwedishK · 01/09/2020 08:27

Not sure why you think it's your way or the highway. Your ex is just as much a parent as you are and you can't dictate how he parents his son when his son is with him. You need to stop trying to control him.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/09/2020 08:29

Is your DS particularly vulnerable? If not then a sleepover will be absolutely fine and no greater risk than going to school. You don't get to decide what happens when he's with his dad unless it's something you both need to make a decision on and this isn't that.

Original poster
JustineA · 01/09/2020 08:32

I understand that he is my son's parent too, but he is putting myself and my other children at risk. Son had already spent time with his friend and so the MH issue isn't overly relevant. I am not trying to control my ex, I am trying to keep my son, my other children and myself safe.

OP posts:
PostedTooSoon · 01/09/2020 08:34

Son had already spent time with his friend

Your son had already spent time with this friend and to be totally honest with you, you can believe that the club effectively socially distanced for the entire time if you like, but I imagine that is incredibly tough to do with kids and probably didn't happen 100% of the time. AND he's going back to school shortly anyway surely? Your son will not be socially distancing 100% of the time at school I guarantee you. You need to let this go, it's really not a big deal.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2020 08:35

This is all getting silly now. There was 2 deaths from covid yesterday, 1 the day before. There are 30 deaths a day from breast cancer, 30 from prostate cancer. The 'dangerous' thing about it is that it's so mild for most you don't even know they have it. Ironic, no?

Hopefulhen · 01/09/2020 08:37

I’m still confused, he’s presumably going back to school very soon. What difference does a sleepover the week before make?

PostedTooSoon · 01/09/2020 08:38

This is all getting silly now

Agree.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/09/2020 08:39

@JustineA

I understand that he is my son's parent too, but he is putting myself and my other children at risk. Son had already spent time with his friend and so the MH issue isn't overly relevant. I am not trying to control my ex, I am trying to keep my son, my other children and myself safe.
Are you all clinically vulnerable?
dottiedodah · 01/09/2020 08:39

I see where you are coming from TBH. I would be unhappy about this too .The reality is that you and your DH both have different ideas here and neither is "right" just a different take really .Did DH know about the previous invite? Now that Schools are resuming this sort of scenario will continue I expect!

WeAllHaveWings · 01/09/2020 08:56

YABU to be upset at a 12 year old, they are too young to understand the complexities and unfortunately you can't control your exh decisions.

YANBU, not being happy about sleepovers. It is not as straightforward schools are back social distancing has ended. Schools going back is essential, but a risk. Sleepovers are a risk too, but not essential. It is not the same level of risk if you do both, sleepovers are increasing the risk.

Schools going back is not the end to social distancing. If we want to keep schools open for as long as possible we all need to play a part in reasonable social distancing outside of school. ds meets up with his friends outdoors, not a single one of them or their parents is even suggesting meeting indoors nevermind sleepovers.

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