To ask you to snap me out of this cycle of envy?

[Napqueen1234]

Our best friends have recently bought our dream house. It’s more than we could ever EVER afford, the nicest part of our area and absolutely beautiful. They also just got a new car, are renovating the home beautifully and are about to have a baby. I suppose when it comes down to it they just are so wealthy and have so much in savings compared to us.

We have two small kids in a two up two down terrace (that we are very lucky to own). Lockdown was unbelievably hard, we could love to move but due to childcare costs we just cannot get a higher mortgage. Normally I am so so happy for friends doing well (obviously) and try hard not to compare as to many we must be doing great. But something about this beautiful house has just done me in and I can’t stop thinking about it and just feel SO envious.

Any tips on how to deal with it? Mindfulness techniques, just stop being a jealous dickhead?! It’s eating me up!

Envy is a very normal emotion, but painful and hard to deal with!

Have you tried the usual things - a gratitude journal, positive affirmations etc? It sounds cheesy and I used to be sceptical but it’s something which has actually helped me with my anxiety, so it could well work with other feelings too. I have a small notebook and every day write down something positive in my life. It helps put me in a positive mindset, and when I am blue I can flick through the book at all the good things I’ve thought about previously.

You have 2 x dc already!! Bet they envy you!

They haven't had two children for the last few years or the associated expenses.

We were your friends 25 years ago. People saw the move, the new car, the holidays. They didn't see the multiple miscarriages or the tears or hear the biological clock's tick rock- they weren't aware that I'd sob silent tears on the phone as yet another friend rang up to share 12 weeks.

Your lives have been on different trajectories for five years there will be differences. Count your blessings and remind yourself when you are free of childcare costs your friends will be in the thick of them.

Envy is the thief of joy and it isn't a good look so get a grip and move on. Be glad you have a home and are buying and think to your future not somebody else's.

I agree that a daily gratitude practice can really help. Just making a note every evening of a few things you're grateful for. Can be really small things but do it every single day. Really helped me through darker periods of lockdown.

Being envious of a beautiful house sounds normal but there is nothing you can do about it so you need to get over it. It's pointless.

There are always going to be richer people than you. There are always going to be happier and more beautiful people. It's the way it goes.,

Envy doesn't have to be bad if it inspires you to do positive things for the future.

It is a waste if you let it eat you inside and resent the people who have what you want.

Life is for most a case of up and downs and all will experience joy at times and grief at others and things can change so quickly.

If your friend was suddenly diagnosed with cancer, would you still envy her?

Drow inspiration from them and see whether you can make some changes in life that will mean that you took can have your dream not now, not tomorrow but some day.

I really can relate.

I'm in a smaller house with 4 children. Struggling to cook meals in a tiny kitchen. We have a single shared bathroom. Although our house is in a cheaper area it's actually a nice area just not as prestigious as others.

My friend has one teenage daughter, moved into a beautiful detached farmhouse with land. Totally gutted it to put in a dream kitchen and five en-suite bedrooms. It's absolutely amazing. So they have three spare en-suite! Whist we queue for the bathroom.....

I have to practice gratitude. Every day count your blessings. Comparison is the thief of joy. Being grateful and joyful really do work.
Everything is a scale, some have more, but most in the world have less, often nothing.

I used to envy my friend who was married to a rich guy but it turned out he was a dickhead. A lot of what looked 'perfect' to me - she was actually having a hard time. I learned over the years that envy is often misplaced as other people's situations are sometimes more complex than you think and they might envy things about your life.

I also like a gratitude list.

Most people have something to be grateful for that they don't really realise and most of the people you envy will have something going on in their lives that is hard.

For example, I've had a battle with fertility for years now, lots of recurrent miscarriages. I'd give my left arm to have 2 DC.

and my right one too

Thank you so much for all your responses.
I think a gratitude list sounds the way to go as it’s been suggested by many people and seems sensible. I agree you never know the ins and outs (and bearing in mind we are all only 31 theyre the exception rather than the rule with their home!). I agree in a few years things may change although their income will always be around triple ours I think so just need to shake myself out if it as they are great friends.

I have been in a similar situation in the past. I have a very close friend who always seems to ' do one better than us' if you know what I mean. What I found over time is that actually it all works out in the end. They might have the bigger house now but in a few years, you might have something that they have been wanting for years. It's so hard not to compare but you don't know what goes on behind the scenes and it doesn't mean to say that they are any happier than you. Focus on what you can control and enjoy these things. As PP have said- comparison is the thief of joy!

I think we are all architects of our own happiness.
We all feel the same inside when we wake up in the morning- your friends having a beautiful house shouldn't diminish what is good in your life, unless you actively compare things to make yourself feel worse.
Look beyond the superficial and appreciate the good things you have. It does bring joy.

I have a friend a bit like this. Wealthy older husband from a wealthy family. We own our house and actually my parents and grandparents have ended up being pretty wealthy (bloody Baby Boomers) and so our kids do very well in terms of gifts and stuff and we had help buying our house. My kids also have a lovely relationship with both sets of grandparents and have aunts and uncles who cherish them. But my friends husband comes from proper money and their housing circumstances reflect that and sometimes I do feel jealous.

However. She’s a very anxious person, her eldest kid has Aspergers, her family are hard work and she doesn’t have a good relationship with them at all. Despite the wealth there’s also a limited relationship with his family. So yes, I would like another bedroom and a bigger kitchen, but whenever I feel a bit jealous I try and remember that we have enviable things that I’m sure she’s jealous about. It’s not all about money. But I do get it.

Thanks all. I know there’s always more the picture (although every aspect of their lives from the outside looks great!) but completely get it. I don’t think it’s helped that with lockdown etc it’s been the toughest time with two small kids in a small house while all our childless friends seem to be enjoying time together, cooking, going for meals now etc. Just having a bad day!

You are definitely on a different expensive level with childcare costs etc than your friends. I think if it’s maybe the house that is the biggest thing perhaps make a plan for when costs are less and start looking what you could afford.
Could you find a bit of a doer upper but more space somewhere to add profit?
Sometimes a bit of natural envy can spurr you on in a good way but don’t let it detract from your happy family life.
Having a plan helped me I would feel less helpless and it’s not fair attitude more right in 3 years we will move/better car whatever.
Hope that makes sense!

I have one child but no i am not jealous of people who have 2 anyway my dream house is a 2up2down terrace, or a canal boat or lighthouse, windmill etc. basically small - we rent small so my dream is possible if I put my mind to it

What my point is we all have different dreams so be happy with what you do have

We don't possibly dream the same things

You are allowed to have a bad day OP - you're human and it's natural to feel envious sometimes. It has been so tough lately too.

I think what I would say is let yourself feel it and have a look at what you can change in your own life (if anything) but also bear in mind you have an idea of what you're envious of but that isn't necessarily even reality. Some people hide a considerable amount of unhappiness (or debt or abuse) very well. And even if that's not the case - your friend might well genuinely have a lovely life - I don't think you can ever just look at one snippet of someone's life and judge in any way. The person I know who had the most successful interesting life of anyone I was at university with died recently of cancer. No one could have seen that coming even 2 years ago.

I'd bet too that someone else will have been envious of you at some stage. People who will never own their own home or have children, say. There are some people living really lovely privileged lives out there and it can be hard seeing how very lucky some are when you're struggling but we can all only try to be grateful for the things we do have. I grew up knowing a large amount of wealthy families and it's only as I've grown up that I've realised how much they all had their own miseries and stresses.

Be nice to yourself, anyway. Particularly in the next few years a lot will lose their homes so your friends will be even more unusual in having something so nice. That isn't necessarily the norm.

Thank you @TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair that’s a really kind post and so true.

I'm a single mum of 2 under 5, living on benefits in a crappy 2 bed flat. No advice to offer but a husband, a 2 up, 2 down terrace and 2 lovely kids (that part I already have) is what I daydream about. I hope I get it one day ❤

I'd be delighted to have a happy marriage, 2 DCs and a house.

Envy isn't always rational and it's no wonder people are having bad times lately, OP. It's been a truly difficult year.

You never know what other people are carrying around, and IME it's quite unusual to reach your mid-thirties and for life not to have kicked you in the teeth with something. Material privilege is only one form of privilege and it doesn't necessarily bring happiness with it. We sound like your friends in that we also have a beautiful home and a child, but I'd trade every single thing I own for one more day with my beloved mum, who died suddenly in her mid-50s. I still miss her every day. I had an abusive father so my mum was everything to me.

Like a PP here I also had a long succession of miscarriages and other women's pregnancies were like a knife to my heart, no matter how pleased I was for them. Fertility treatment also sucked out our life's savings. I spent my twenties studying and have a job I love, or did, until as recently as about two years ago. Then something in the culture of my institution changed. Now it's a hotbed of bullying, sexism and stress-related illness; colleagues are on their knees and I wonder how much longer I can go on like this. Friends and relatives think it's a dream job, but for the first time in my life I can honestly say I could turn my back on it tomorrow and not particularly miss it.

I love my home but it's material. Some friends have more than us, some less. I have a happy marriage, a lovely DS and my health. Those matter far more to me than anything money can buy.

for you.

I have the house and the car and (used to have) holidays to far flung places. Amazing DH and could give work up if I chose to.
As a PP, I also have a fertility battle on my hands and several rounds of treatment and surgeries under my belt with not even a sniff of a BFP. The vast majority of friends have 2 children - or more now and I've certainly had my fair share of silent and not so silent tears at that too.
Life can be hard sometimes and there's no harm in striving for more but be thankful for what you have too.

but you are not really jealous of your friends - you might just need a bit more space, which with WFH and lockdown is understandable. From what you said - you love your set up but need a bigger place - so focus on that. Would you really like to not have your 2DCs? Or not have your DH??

Frankly, lots of people have realized they need more space than they have or have found lockdown super hard with DCs. My sister is like your friends and totally doesnt get why parents living in a small place with DCs have found lockdown hard. And sometimes I even envy her - or at least would love to trade places with her for a week or two. But in reality I love having DS and DH and whilst my place is small it's also right next to DG whom DS sees all the time, we got a few friends here etc. So life is not so bad - but yes lockdown was v hard but thats not about envy thats just humans dealing with a pandemic

Thanks all and I really appreciate your supportive words I was sort of expecting people telling me to get over myself and stop being self indulgent so I feel less guilty along with the other emotions.

I’ve done a couple of headspace sessions today about gratitude and found that helpful. Even just vocalising how I feel has made those feelings diminish and spending time with the kids has made me grateful for everything I have. Thanks so much.