Petty to be annoyed at not being invited?

[ChesterDrawsDoesntExist]

Backstory: Mum is a narcissist. Only thinks of herself and always has done. As teens DSis and I went hungry a lot as mum didn't buy in dinner if she wasn't hungry herself or had spent all her money on her hobby (pets). We didn't get bought any new (or suitable second hand) clothes and would have to wear grown adults hand me downs making us a laughing stock, lonely and unpopular with our peers and made non-school uniform days a living nightmare.

Now mums family is large and were always close. Over the years it's become clear that mum has been keeping me separated from them. I don't know why. I asked to go with her when she was heading back to our old home town (200miles away) for her mum's 80th to be told "no, nothing is happening. I'm just going to pop in for 5 minutes and that's it."
On FB it transpires there was a whole family party. All 4 aunts and 4 uncles, 10 cousins and their partners and all the cousins kids etc were there. Only one family member missing was me. They had food, entertainment and even a professional photographer for a huge family portrait. Mum claimed it was nothing and they just so happened to all go visit gran at the same time.

NYE party always thrown at my old house (huge guesthouse here in Scotland) that my aunt took over when I moved and when I asked if the family NYE bash was still going ahead mum told me, "No, Aunt isn't doing it this year and [stepdad] and I are having a quiet night in and early bed."
I drove past (it's nearby) and there was a party in full swing with mum's car parked up in a car park full of familiar cars. Later found out that all family from as far as Birmingham had come up as usual for the Hogmanay bash.

And tonight I just phoned mum and she was cagey. I managed to get her to admit that the voices I could hear were family members from down south that I never get to see and she was in fact, in my village, just 2 minutes walk away from my house having a family meal. Once again a family event was happening and I was specifically not told.

I don't get drunk, I pay my own way (and I tip) I'm not political (well I am but that's reserved for forums like here), I'm not racist. I don't talk too much, I don't embarrass myself or anyone else and my husband is well loved. Even my kids are a fucking dream.

And I'll just say, family members do ask where I am and are given the impression that I am busy or didn't want to go. They don't want to cause a ruckus by pulling mum up on it.

I know no one is owed an invite but I have a right to be angry here don't I?
What the hell is going on with my mum? We talk almost every day (we're 6 miles apart living 200 miles from our hometown so are our only family up here)
Why am I being given the role of black sheep?

My mum used to tell us that our Nan (her mum) hated visitors and didn't want to see us. In the end I booked a hotel and drove up with my dds. I rang her and said we were in the area, could I pop in. Best thing I could have done. She loved getting to know my girls, we repeated the visit several times a year before she passed and in so glad I did. Build your own relationships.

Stop calling her. She’s not nice to you so why are you being so nice back. Yes NC or at least low contact. Sounds like your DSis doesn’t invite you to the events even though she knows your DM hasn’t told you. She’s a flying monkey and you may need to go LC with her too if she’s going to continue to dish out punishments to you on you DMs behalf

I’d cancel thursday personally as a start. You’re not going somewhere Thursday with your mum now, you’ve got something better to do.

@Medievalist

Why do you have anything to do with a mother who put her own needs and wants above yours, let you go hungry, made you wear humiliating clothes and who now excludes you from family gatherings? Just why?!!

Exactly this.

@ChesterDrawsDoesntExist, you have my sympathies. Pretty sure my mum has undiagnosed bpd, as suggested to me by a therapist I was seeing. My mum was unwell around the time of my wedding, although looking back I really don't know how much was genuine (an element of it certainly was) and how much was exaggerated. I do recall feeling very alone picking out my makeup for the wedding with my dad (bless him, it's hardly his forte...) and my mum going up to bed before the reception meal/speeches etc. In hindsight, I can see that it was all very useful in ensuring that the attention wasn't entirely on me. It took me until a couple of years ago (I'm in my 40s) to realise I am the designated 'black sheep' of the family. Thankfully, low contact is pretty easy seeing as I live in a different country. She consistently 'forgets' my youngest child's birthday, even if I mention it on the phone the day before. Poor kid has seen almost nothing from grandma in the 3 years since she was born. When my parents come to visit, there will invariably be at least one occasion when she has to bow out of a meal because she's 'tired' or 'not feeling well'. The last time she did it, I was so done. She started with the usual excuses as to why she wouldn't be joining us and I just said "Ok", changed the subject and that was it. No begging her to come etc. etc. After that, she miraculously perked up enough to join us. My sister doesn't really get it, because she is seen by my mother in a completely different light.

@Florencex

I think you need to try and build up your relationships with the other relatives in your own right, rather than through your mother.

This!

You need to forge your own independent relationships with your various family members.

If you are close to them separately from her she can't interfere and divide you.

What happens with your sister, is she also not invited etc and if she is does she not mention to you if an event is coming up?

My mother is like this too. She generally tells me about family gatherings, weddings, funerals etc. coming up and then adds 'I have already told them you won't be coming as you are too busy' or ' I have arranged for me and dad to go with your brothers and there won't be room in the car for you and you will never be able to find the place on your own'
She even once sent me a letter telling me she was going to visit my favourite aunt 200 miles away - that she posted the day before so I received the letter after they had left home on the day they went. So I had no time to arrange or ask to go with them.
Now I don't feel guilty at all if I go somewhere without taking them or just make my own arrangements and turn up.

I'm glad you've decided to work with your favourite aunt to ensure that you get invited in future.
I'm really quite shocked that your sister didn't tell you about all these events - or at least ask you why you weren't making the effort for e.g. your grandmother's 80th, ffs! I'd have phoned you to say "how is it more important to go to your ILs than your own grandmother's 80th?" to at least get your reasoning!

But if your sister is colluding with your mother to avoid being ostracised herself then I can sort of see it, I suppose. Cowardly though - or conditioned to behave like that.

Hopefully your aunt will keep you in the loop from now on but I'm so sad that your mother has done that to you so far.

Rest assured it is NOTHING that you or your kids have done - it is entirely down to her and her controlling narcissistic ways - so don't go looking for "reasons" - there aren't any valid ones.

Did you visit your Grandma at all for her 80th? Do you ever get involved with the organisation of family celebrations? I’m not saying your mum is justified in leaving you out, but getting more proactive about being involved with your wider family would be a good place to start.

Stop allowing your mother to be the 'gatekeeper' toother members of your extended family.

Make contact/calls/visits yourself; establish and maintain relationships that don't include or require her.

She's a nasty, deceitful piece of work who excludes you for her own twisted reasons and does not have your best interests at heart, nor that of other family members.

She sounds like a right cow.
Why is your sister not telling you?
You need to start talking to the wider family more and arrange your own meetings with them separate to her. It's part of growing up when your family relationships are no longer managed by your parents.

@Imissmoominmama

Did you visit your Grandma at all for her 80th? Do you ever get involved with the organisation of family celebrations? I’m not saying your mum is justified in leaving you out, but getting more proactive about being involved with your wider family would be a good place to start.

I had no idea gran was having a birthday party. She was in a care home and living over 200 miles away, I didn't get to see her there. I did ask mum if I could accompany her when I accidentally found out she was heading down (DH and I shared a car so I couldn't take it myself and go) but as I said, mum told me no and acted like it was nothing and she'd give gran my love.
Gran was Jehovah's Witness so I also presumed she wasn't exactly celebrating but the family aren't JW. Gran still enjoyed family events.

Big family events like 21sts or weddings etc I do tend to get invited to by the organiser as you'd expect but other things where it's just expected that I'd be told I presume they're told I was busy. DSis did really downplay gran's 80th as if it was just something the care home put on and family members coming for a visit got to stay and celebrate too. This may have been slightly true but I highly doubt over 20 family members from as far as Scotland and London arrived in the North West with no prior warning and there was more than enough food and a professional photographer.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this . Perhaps reach out to your family directly and arrange to meet up?

I am sorry that your DSis is not very supportive either. There is nothing to stop her telling you about all these events but it appears she just doesn't want to.

@inlectorecumbit

I am sorry that your DSis is not very supportive either. There is nothing to stop her telling you about all these events but it appears she just doesn't want to.

That is probably true. DSis and I aren't terribly close but there is a bond, a comradery between us through our mutual dislike of our teen years. But she's still the type of woman that we see here on MN, "Telling it like it is" or "not sugarcoating". She doesn't have any feelings whatsoever about offending or upsetting people because she's being honest. Very much a "Well what has it got to do with me?" type person. She understands how I feel, does sometimes say something but it's no skin off her nose either way.

Have a big family party, invite everyone except her. Maybe not your sister either, she's a cow too.

When it's allowed again, you and your sister should organise a party, invite your family and leave your mum out. Tell them she's busy.

Sorry, just seen about your DSIS. I'd just go see family independently and ignore her and your mum.

Have a big family party, invite everyone except her. Maybe not your sister either, she's a cow too.

Sorry, didn't see your comment...Same thought!

OP, could there be a family secret related to you that the extended family know about but you don't?

You don't really mention your dad in all of this. Was he/is he involved in your life? If so, why didn't he intervene in your teen years?

I have narcissistic family members some of whom I’m nc with and their lies are a major reason why!

So I too immediately thought:

I think she’s been telling porkies of some kind and if you see the family, then the games up

Someone will make a comment about whatever bullshit she’s been spreading - which may not even necessarily be ABOUT you but could be about her or another relative but she knows you know the truth! And when another’s comment alerts you to the lie at the very least you’d have a surprised facial reaction!

If I were you I’d stay in better contact with the others, chances are if you do that you will be invited, not believe a word she says and then at the next event you’ll likely find out what the hell she’s been up to!

God, writing it down really hits home that I should go NC shouldn't I?! What an awful woman!

Yep or at least vlc!

And from the wedding nonsense I’d bet good money she’s expecting you to support her when she’s elderly/infirm too!

Going nc/vlc with such people eliminates/reduces a LOT of stress!

One of mine is one of my mums siblings who goes to great lengths when I am not housebound (agoraphobia) to exclude me from wider family events because my being mentally ill and unemployed they consider shameful and embarrassing. I don’t gaf about them but when they’re organising stuff that’s to honour/celebrate someone I DO care about’s event that pisses me off! My mums had words with them about it but they claim they just “forgot” etc arses!

To those berating the op and asking why she remained in contact - PLEASE be thoughtful and REMEMBER this is someone posting who has been conditioned to accept such behaviour and from what they have said were neglected and emotionally abused from childhood - that’s not exaggeration that’s what this is! It’s incredibly hard to get out of the FOG and see these things for what they really area and harder still to deal with the person who’s treated you like this.

And that’s WITHOUT the societal pressure to always be “nice” to your family especially on women.

Those who don’t understand families aren’t always good for us blether on with

“But she’s your mum/sister how can you never speak to her again?!”

There’s a LOT of ignorant judgment of those of us who go vlc/nc which makes it even harder.

Op consider possibly getting some therapy to help, there’s the “stately homes” thread on here which has posters with similar families (I’ve read on occasion but not yet posted on there) and there’s also this site

https://outofthefog.website

Which I’ve found very informative and helpful.

My sister doesn't really get it, because she is seen by my mother in a completely different light.

Exactly! People who have normal, healthy families don’t understand that just because you have the same parents DOESN’T mean you had the same parents 😂 - as in upbringing.

I always think there was at least one of the “friends” creators who was from a toxic family themselves because the Gellers were SUCH a well drawn example of one! In particular the episode “the one with the sonogram at the end” where the geller parents are there for dinner, the lasagne ruined by Rachel’s hunt for her engagement ring and Ross (golden child) had yet to tell them his ex wife was now a lesbian pregnant with his child!

“And you knew about this?!” (Said to scapegoat daughter Monica)

Plus

“Boy, I know they say that you can't change your parents. Boy, if you could, I'd want yours.” Monica...pointing to Ross her brother (for the benefit of those unfamiliar with friends)

This is heart breaking

I'm sorry xx

Thus is really sad to read OP. I would as suggested get in contact with the Aunties and other family members and I would even go as far as to send them all a text explaining that your mother deliberately does not tell you about family gatherings if she can get away with it so could they let you know if there are any. Then go very low contact with your abusive mother.

Are you the poster who was informally invited over to take a card to grandmother (many buses etc), didn't go because you were seeing her Sunday on her birthday, then saw from lots of family photos that the Friday event had been a big deal with everyone there, photos taken etc?

If not, be assured that it's not just you. This stuff is going on everywhere. Families are just weird.

Nope, not me @picklemewalnuts

@Venicelover My dad was never the nicest of men. We're still in contact now but the half-arsed parenting DSis and I put up with didn't feel abusive as such at the time. It was just the way it was. Mum is a very Me me me, My my my! Anything would be turned around to "How do you think it makes ME feel?", How could you do this to ME?!"** When it would be something that was affecting DSis or I, like failing a test or misbehaving and getting a detention for example.
It was, as all the family know, just what my mum is like. Dad was busy with his new missus and contact was spotty at best. He wouldn't have noticed the crappy clothes on two teens anyway and it's not like he took us clothes shopping ever because that was (ex) wifework.