Petty to be annoyed at not being invited?

[ChesterDrawsDoesntExist]

Backstory: Mum is a narcissist. Only thinks of herself and always has done. As teens DSis and I went hungry a lot as mum didn't buy in dinner if she wasn't hungry herself or had spent all her money on her hobby (pets). We didn't get bought any new (or suitable second hand) clothes and would have to wear grown adults hand me downs making us a laughing stock, lonely and unpopular with our peers and made non-school uniform days a living nightmare.

Now mums family is large and were always close. Over the years it's become clear that mum has been keeping me separated from them. I don't know why. I asked to go with her when she was heading back to our old home town (200miles away) for her mum's 80th to be told "no, nothing is happening. I'm just going to pop in for 5 minutes and that's it."
On FB it transpires there was a whole family party. All 4 aunts and 4 uncles, 10 cousins and their partners and all the cousins kids etc were there. Only one family member missing was me. They had food, entertainment and even a professional photographer for a huge family portrait. Mum claimed it was nothing and they just so happened to all go visit gran at the same time.

NYE party always thrown at my old house (huge guesthouse here in Scotland) that my aunt took over when I moved and when I asked if the family NYE bash was still going ahead mum told me, "No, Aunt isn't doing it this year and [stepdad] and I are having a quiet night in and early bed."
I drove past (it's nearby) and there was a party in full swing with mum's car parked up in a car park full of familiar cars. Later found out that all family from as far as Birmingham had come up as usual for the Hogmanay bash.

And tonight I just phoned mum and she was cagey. I managed to get her to admit that the voices I could hear were family members from down south that I never get to see and she was in fact, in my village, just 2 minutes walk away from my house having a family meal. Once again a family event was happening and I was specifically not told.

I don't get drunk, I pay my own way (and I tip) I'm not political (well I am but that's reserved for forums like here), I'm not racist. I don't talk too much, I don't embarrass myself or anyone else and my husband is well loved. Even my kids are a fucking dream.

And I'll just say, family members do ask where I am and are given the impression that I am busy or didn't want to go. They don't want to cause a ruckus by pulling mum up on it.

I know no one is owed an invite but I have a right to be angry here don't I?
What the hell is going on with my mum? We talk almost every day (we're 6 miles apart living 200 miles from our hometown so are our only family up here)
Why am I being given the role of black sheep?

Do you still run around after her now?

When DSis finds out I've not been told about something again she does give me all the details and I go. Mum doesn't show any signs of upset that I attend.

DSis also doesn't really speak much outside of family gatherings to the aunts and uncles etc but is always included by mum. The family meals and parties are where they all go specifically to catch up after long periods of not seeing each other.

I will be phoning up family members for catch ups a bit more often now and see if I can bypass mum completely.

Why are you wanting to be invited? they sound rude and enabling your mothers atrocious behaviour, I wouldn’t want to be in their company, I might go as far to say they’re a shower of cunts.

Just give her the same treatment. No more daily phone calls. Goodbye mum until you learn to play nicely.

is she expecting it to all come out how awful she was growing up but your sister tows the line

@gamerchick

God, writing it down really hits home that I should go NC shouldn't I?! What an awful woman!

Yep, do it ASAP. Long before she becomes of an age where she needs care. Do it slowly, don't answer the phone every day or ring her. Tell her you're too busy to run errands. Look at her blankly if she brings it up.

I am quite happy to wait until she is in need of care and I will simply say, "Oh dear, no. No I won't be doing that"

@SBTLove

Why are you wanting to be invited? they sound rude and enabling your mothers atrocious behaviour, I wouldn’t want to be in their company, I might go as far to say they’re a shower of cunts.

To be fair to them, we don't talk a lot outside of family gatherings and I think they are told by mum that I'm busy (which is sort of true because I have been doing other stuff because I had no idea there was a family gathering alternative) but they also know what their sister is like and I assume they don't want to cause a family ruckus?

If I ask one outright to keep me in the loop I think she might now.

I feel that you're going to let her get away with it. I'd go NC immediately. It will be hard but I really can't see why you would allow her to treat you this way. To exclude you from all family get togethers is unforgiveable. Engage with your family again and make sure you go to all the family gatherings. Reading the post about your wedding made me want to cry.

I am a only child so maybe i don't get it.
Why isnt your sister checking you got the invite everytime if she knows your mother has form?
I like to think i would check everytime with my sister- if i had one of course.

OP that is truly awful and sad.

And your sister and the rest of the extended family have surely noticed this pattern and done nothing to make sure you're included themselves?

I'm so sorry.

The trouble with narcissists (one of them) is that they don't exist alone. There is a whole family enabling her to behave the way she does to you.

Have you asked your sister why she doesn't stand up for you? Is she frightened of becoming your mum's target instead?

Oh and DSis lives 200 miles away in old home town so is only privy to gatherings there or if she happens to come to our area for one. I do end up finding out about most of those though. And she was told I'd turned down Gran's 80th because I was visiting in laws. I only visited them because I'd been told there was no grandma's birthday party.

OP you really need to foster the family relationships yourself. Not only tell your aunt you’re not getting the invitations but that you’d also like to go to these family events

If family members are on Facebook, friend them. Take an interest in their lives. You’ll get invitations

If they’re not or you’re not in FB, then email or telephone or text your relatives every few weeks. You’ll get invitations

Also, host an event. You invite your relatives directly. Illustrate that you are separate from your mother and you’ll get invitations

If your sister gets invitations - ask her to ensure she passes them on to you

Just bypass your mother and go direct.

@Thehogfatherstolemycurry

I bet She's told a lie about you and doesn't want to be found out. I went nc with my mum after years of aggro, afterwards all my family turned their backs on me except for 1 aunt. It turned out my mum had told everyone I'd accused my step father of sexual abuse! I really hadn't but they all believed her and have not spoken to me or the 1 aunt who stood by me for over 25 years now. People like this are just not worth bothering about.

Christ that is awful! It puts my annoyances in to prospective. What a horrible lie to tell people.

It sounds awful OP but it makes me think you should have cut contact with her a long, long time ago. I'm slightly struggling to understand why you continue to put yourself through this with someone who obviously doesn't have your best interests at hear.

maybe she is one of those weird mothers who is in competition with her own daughter. Maybe when you go to family gatherings, you take the spotlight away from her, maybe she sees you getting attention that she wants for herself. Particularly when you describe how she acted on your own wedding day. Either that or she is covering a lie.

@AdoreTheBeach

OP you really need to foster the family relationships yourself. Not only tell your aunt you’re not getting the invitations but that you’d also like to go to these family events

If family members are on Facebook, friend them. Take an interest in their lives. You’ll get invitations

If they’re not or you’re not in FB, then email or telephone or text your relatives every few weeks. You’ll get invitations

Also, host an event. You invite your relatives directly. Illustrate that you are separate from your mother and you’ll get invitations

If your sister gets invitations - ask her to ensure she passes them on to you

Just bypass your mother and go direct.

I think that's the way I'm going to go. DSis, even though we're not particularly close (she's very similar to mum and can be a real cruel tongued piece of work) does mention stuff to me so I know to go.

I'll dust off the old Facebook and start interacting with the extended family on there. Maybe a phone call or two a month as well.

At least the two aunts, uncle and cousin who were at tonight's meal will be aware I found out and wasn't invited because mum did a nervousy laugh and said something along the lines of "Now now, don't go trying to make me feel guilty, I'm allowed dinner with my sisters and brother!" and then went on to say how it was all a "last second thing as they happen to be visiting and they were wanting to go out with us on Thursday but as you know we're going somewhere that day...." (we are indeed going together somewhere that day) but I doubt that has any bearing on tonight's so called last minute change of plan due to our already set plans type event.

Why do you have anything to do with a mother who put her own needs and wants above yours, let you go hungry, made you wear humiliating clothes and who now excludes you from family gatherings? Just why?!!

Some families are just awful!

Like most posters have said, its time to start managing your relationship with the extended family directly, not through Mum.

Unfortunately, nothing is going to change with her, however perhaps you turning up when she least expects it, and having told others you are busy elsewhere, will change their perception of her and see her for a cold liar that she is.

Is it possible she is jealous of you in some way? That she sees you as competition for their affection?

@thepeopleversuswork

It sounds awful OP but it makes me think you should have cut contact with her a long, long time ago. I'm slightly struggling to understand why you continue to put yourself through this with someone who obviously doesn't have your best interests at hear.

The age old reason I guess.

She's my mum.

It's hard to decide you no longer want the good times you do have, even though they're so often overshadowed by the shit.

@AdoreTheBeach

OP you really need to foster the family relationships yourself. Not only tell your aunt you’re not getting the invitations but that you’d also like to go to these family events

If family members are on Facebook, friend them. Take an interest in their lives. You’ll get invitations

If they’re not or you’re not in FB, then email or telephone or text your relatives every few weeks. You’ll get invitations

Also, host an event. You invite your relatives directly. Illustrate that you are separate from your mother and you’ll get invitations

If your sister gets invitations - ask her to ensure she passes them on to you

Just bypass your mother and go direct.

Exactly this. I mean yes, your mother is out of order but you know she does this so why allow her to be the ‘guardian’ of family relationships? You don’t know about these events because you leave it up to her (and sometimes your sister) to decide whether or not tell you about them, despite being aware that she deliberately excludes you.

What level of interaction do you have with these relations? I can’t help thinking that if you were in any kind of regular contact with your gran or aunts/cousins, you would have had an inkling that something was happening for her 80th.

What your mother is doing is nasty and hurtful but I think you’ve been quite passive about maintaining relationships. Time to step up if it’s important to you.

Your mother sounds rather like my aunt, I think she doesn't want you attending as it may remove some of the attention from her, she is living away from the majority of the family so will enjoy the novelty and attention of catching up but if you are there that attention is halved as you also live away. Just bypass her and go enjoy your family.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, whether it's a consoling few words, some well considered advice, sharing your own experiences or even a virtual smack upside the head. It's been a cathartic exercise for me writing this stuff down and sharing my feelings about it with others. I know I've to make some changes. I don't know if NC is the answer. It should be and it likely will be one day but I will definitely make the effort to, as someone so eloquently put it, "cut out the middle-mum" and contact the family independently.

So sorry OP 💐💐