To be hurt by this?

[hellosun20]

I have been friends with her for 20 years and she was one of my bridesmaids. We aren't as close as we used to be but talk every few days and meet up every couple of months.

DS's birthday was a few weeks ago and she didn't send him a card or present. I'm less bothered by the present but the fact that she didn't even get him a card has really upset me.

I must add that they are going through fertility issues of which I've been nothing but supportive ( at one point I was the only person who knew about it) so I understand that children are a sore subject for her but to not even send a card seems so mean to me.

Am I being overly sensitive about this or should I be pissed off with her?

You’re being way oversensitive. She probably forgot, your kid isn’t the centre of her world, it happens.

I adore my best friend for 25 years 3 boys, couldn’t tell you when their birthdays are!

Your being overly sensitive.

FWIW I don't send cards to friends' children. And she has issues of her own right, your child will be the last thing she's thinking about.

Doesn't mean she doesn't care but no one is going to care about your kids as much as you.

Forget about it.

omg I'm so crap at birthdays I just have to internally cringe and silently beg forgiveness and hope friends like me for other reasons, eg I cook nice lunches and sincerely love their kids. maybe get in touch with your friend and do something fun with her and dont refer to this non-event?

Please don’t keep pushing a woman who is struggling to have a child herself to be involved with your child. She’s probably only seen him a handful of times because it’s really painful for her. It’s one of the most horrible aspects of infertility that it doesn’t just rob you of becoming a mother it also sometimes robs you of being able to feel joy for other people’s pregnancies so often you end up doing what you can to save face and be polite whilst simultaneously trying to stop yourself from breaking down in public and falling apart because it hurts so damn much that everyone else is getting to have the one thing you long for and that keeps slipping through your fingers. She won’t be doing anything maliciously and may just genuinely have forgot but she may also need you to understand that she can’t be as close to your toddler as you may want her to, for her own emotional health.

@hellosun20 you’re being unspeakably self-absorbed and insensitive if this is real.

You didn’t get a piece of card in the post for a child who’s too young to even know about it.

That’s it. That’s the extent of what she’s “done to you”.

@NameChange84

Please don’t keep pushing a woman who is struggling to have a child herself to be involved with your child. She’s probably only seen him a handful of times because it’s really painful for her. It’s one of the most horrible aspects of infertility that it doesn’t just rob you of becoming a mother it also sometimes robs you of being able to feel joy for other people’s pregnancies so often you end up doing what you can to save face and be polite whilst simultaneously trying to stop yourself from breaking down in public and falling apart because it hurts so damn much that everyone else is getting to have the one thing you long for and that keeps slipping through your fingers. She won’t be doing anything maliciously and may just genuinely have forgot but she may also need you to understand that she can’t be as close to your toddler as you may want her to, for her own emotional health.

This!!!

I send cards to all my friends children except one and I send texts to them. One friend forgets completely child one, is always late for child two and is a bit late with child three it upsets me as I don't think it is an endearing trait but it is just how they are. It does hurt they didn't bother about my child's 18th but cards mean a lot to me and I know not everyone feels the same as me.

I’m in camp ‘Get a Grip’, too, I’m afraid.

He’s two. She’s only seen him a few times. You yourself admit you’re not as close as you once were. And she’s having fertility problems.

Are you looking for a reason to be pissed at her or are cards genuinely a massive deal to you?

I don't do cards or presents for my friends kids - frankly there are too many of them to keep on top of it all

Did she text to say happy birthday to your child?

I mean, he’s two so I doubt he can read texts lol

@NameChange84

Please don’t keep pushing a woman who is struggling to have a child herself to be involved with your child. She’s probably only seen him a handful of times because it’s really painful for her. It’s one of the most horrible aspects of infertility that it doesn’t just rob you of becoming a mother it also sometimes robs you of being able to feel joy for other people’s pregnancies so often you end up doing what you can to save face and be polite whilst simultaneously trying to stop yourself from breaking down in public and falling apart because it hurts so damn much that everyone else is getting to have the one thing you long for and that keeps slipping through your fingers. She won’t be doing anything maliciously and may just genuinely have forgot but she may also need you to understand that she can’t be as close to your toddler as you may want her to, for her own emotional health.

Wow who said that I have pushed her? You have no idea about the relationship I have had with her over the years and about her fertility issues and the endless conversations and support I have given her. Don't assume that because I am hurt by her actions that I'm not supportive, understanding and empathetic to the the shit time she has had!

I havent sent any of my friends children anything whatsoever ... a token when they are born is about the height of it

@OnceUponATimeInHollywood

Did she text to say happy birthday to your child?

I send cards & presents to close friends children. I have a friend who is going through fertility issues who has never sent my children cards/presents. It must hurt like hell, so I never get offended.

It wouldn't even occur to me to be upset about this. I'm not a reliable card sender and don't expect anyone else to be even if they have been in the past. Sometimes dates just slip by people it isn't personal.

This is the kind of thing my sister would get upset about though. Cards are a big deal to some people, so I kind of get that, but still can't imagine feeling differently about a friend over it, especially if they've got a lot on their plate.

You said yourself that you are frustrated she’s only seen him a handful of times and appear irked that “I have made a real effort to support her through some tough times despite her not seeming bothered about DS”. And now starting a thread because she didn’t send a card.

I’m sorry, but that does come across as you wanting her to have more of a relationship with your child than she might be comfortable with. Can you accept that she might be hurting too and that, rather than intending to hurt you, she’s trying to protect herself and keep up the kind of friendship she can manage?

YABU.
If she’s going through IVF then her head will be all over the place, and she’s almost certainly forgotten.
And I only send birthday cards and gifts to me God children, none of the other kids of my friends.

Overly sensitive agreement!

I would only give a card to a friend's child if they were a friend of my child and had invited them to their party.
Ditto I have never received a card for any of mine except the above.

Oversensitive and expecting too much.

Or a reverse - because are people actually this entitled? “You must remember my little moppet’s birthday and send a card. Even though you probably have loads of friends with kids so a lot of birthdays to remember. And you’re going through a hard time yourself. But how could you forget little Timmy’s birthday?!”

“ Wow who said that I have pushed her? You have no idea about the relationship I have had with her over the years and about her fertility issues and the endless conversations and support I have given her.”

You may have given her support but you are now hurt that she forgot to send your kid a card - something that most people on this thread think is 100% acceptable.

So, you are being pushy, in your own way. You are pushing your values (card-giving) onto her.

It is possible she forgot, hellosun. Some people are better at birthdays than others.

Overly sensitive. My friend who always sends stuff for the DCs’ birthdays and Christmas didn’t send anything for my DD’s recent birthday. I assumed she’d either forgotten, had something else on her mind, or it got lost in the post. Never occurred to me to be hurt.

YABVU.