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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mother told everyone I am pregnant, and I have now had a miscarriage

48 replies

krj2608 · 31/08/2020 14:19

I had a very early miscarriage in June. Fell pregnant again straight away. This is baby no.3 for us and my mothers 6th grandchild. We told my mum and my friend just so I had some support incase things went wrong again. My mum has told loads of people I know that we are expecting again (we wanted to get to that safe point- 12/14 weeks) - my grandparents, my brothers and their gfs, my hairdresser that we share, her friends. I found out on Friday that this baby has died, waiting on the options to start miscarriage.

I now have everyone texting me saying sorry to hear your sad news. I just want to grieve without all of this and without having to keep texting people back. I definitely won't be telling my mum next time around! Am I just being unreasonable and hormonal? I feel like it's our news to tell people not my mothers!

OP posts:

BanjoStarz · 31/08/2020 14:22

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. This is precisely why people wait before telling everyone, (not aimed at you, your mother is the problem) You shouldn’t have to deal with everyone else’s grief.

I’m so sorry for your loss though

Justmuddlingalong · 31/08/2020 14:23

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐
She can contact everyone she told. You've got healing to be getting on with. Tell her in future she will be told along with everyone else.

Bearfrills · 31/08/2020 14:25

YANBU. My MIL did this to us with my first pregnancy which I lost and was then very put out when we didn't tell her I was pregnant again until much further along. I know the people giving you condolences mean well but it's awful enough having to grieve a pregnancy loss in the first place without also having to deal with umpteen messages about it

mummypigoink · 31/08/2020 14:25

So sorry you are going through this.

Don’t text people back if you don’t feel up to it. I’d never expect a response from someone grieving.

Candycats · 31/08/2020 14:29

I'm so sorry. You're definitely not being unreasonable, and it is 100% your news to tell (when ready), not hers. I'm sure your mum was just excited but it's not fair to put you in this position.

Couchbettato · 31/08/2020 14:38

I'd feel absolutely betrayed if I'd told my mother something in confidence and she abused that trust, and I'd be very vocal about it - though that's just me and I'm not one to mince words.

But no, you're not being unreasonable. It isn't her news to share, and it's completely unsupportive.

I am very sorry for the sad news, grieve however you need to. Bang your phone on DND with any exceptions you may need to get in touch with, and sod the rest.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 31/08/2020 14:40

I’m sorry for your loss. YANBU at all - your mother should have kept her mouth shut for this exact reason and you’re not at all unreasonable to want to be left alone without Uncle Tom Cobbley and all intruding on your grief.

WB205020 · 31/08/2020 14:40

Your mother is a disgrace op and has added to you pain at this time. Make sure she knows just how much of a disgusting person she is and how much she has hurt you. I personally would find it hard to forgive her after this.

WineTheBobbin · 31/08/2020 14:49

so sorry for your loss. you're definitely not unreasonable

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 31/08/2020 14:51

My MIL did this to us with DD too. It’s thoughtless & selfish, it’s all about them & how they feel, wanting to share the news etc. Your mum should have had more sense, especially given your history. I got PG again by accident & sadly lost it but we never told her as we knew she’d not respect our privacy.

letsgoandtango · 31/08/2020 14:55

I'm so sorry OP

I'd be furious. Actually my DM has done similar when I had an mc, and I was furious.

I hope she understands that it means you will tell her less/later in the future.

FOKKYFC · 31/08/2020 14:55

I'd be pissed off with her, were I you. I'm terribly sorry about your miscarriage.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/08/2020 14:57

It wasn’t her news to share. If you need to, turn off your phone and mentally check out for a while. Give yourself time to grieve.

L0bstersLass · 31/08/2020 14:57

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mother's behaviour was terrible. Don't be afraid to tell her how you're feeling.

I've been through what you're going through and it would have been so much worse with endless texts. My heart goes out to you. Don't feel that you have to reply to them, you really don't.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength.

BlueJava · 31/08/2020 14:57

So sorry for your loss. I wouldn't be taking that on myself - tell you mother to do it and say you don't want people to contact you about it. Make that the last thing you do that her.

Dontjudgeme101 · 31/08/2020 14:58

I am so sorry op. I really feel for you. Your Mother shouldn’t of told anyone your news. I hope she apologises to you and her sil.

Twigletfairy · 31/08/2020 14:58

YANBU at all. Don't share anymore sensitive information with her anymore, as she clearly has no thought for your privacy.

I'm sorry about both your losses. You don't have to text people back in this situation. Turn off your phone for a little while and take some time to yourself

Rigamorph · 31/08/2020 14:58

So sorry for your loss.
My mum didn't cope well after my first miscarriage (asking if I had been taking my vitamins?! Saying she was worried I might be too old - I was 35- ...none of these things were helpful). We didn't even tell her about the second pregnancy/miscarriage until a year after. Didn't tell her I was pregnant with DC until 4 months.
Have forgiven her now, I know she was just excited about grandchildren and she didn't do it to hurt me.
Just learn she can't be trusted with secrets and leave her to tell people.
Hope you get your rainbow baby

Backtobasics5 · 31/08/2020 15:00

Sorry to hear this OP. I wouldn’t tell anybody in future when you are in the early stages. Don’t tell your mother in future.

SunshineSuper · 31/08/2020 15:01

So sorry about your pregency not ending well.
I was really surprised at how much I grieved about a miscarriage, hormonally I was all over the place so be nice to yourself and take time to be 'unreasonable' before moving on.

DrDavidBanner · 31/08/2020 15:01

I am so very sorry for your loss OP, I understand your devestation.

YANBU, while I know it must have been very exciting for her, it was an increadibly thoughtless thing for her to do. Your hairdresser? She may have well taken out a front page advert in the local newspaper.

You don't need to respond to people, if shes so chatty, she can explain to them. I agree don't tell her in future, wait until you're at a safer stage.

Take time to grieve and look after yourself, I've been through what you are going through and its tough, but you will get through it

lemorella · 31/08/2020 15:03

Yes your mum was completely insensitive and she should have text everyone telling them to leave you in peace to deal with it. I think lots of people want the support but like you I also wanted to be left alone to get on with it.

My MIL rather insensitively told her hairdresser who I went to once who let on she knew and I was furious.

hellotoday27 · 31/08/2020 15:15

Yes your mum was out of order telling your news to others. She needs to be the one to go back and tell them what's happened and to ensure they don't contact you. She's been very unreasonable.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/08/2020 15:24

I can feel your pain through your post. You are not being unreasonable, I am sorry for your loss.

QueSera · 31/08/2020 15:31

I am so sorry for your loss OP
Unfortunately this is why I no longer tell my mother anything - a miscarriage that I specfically told her not to tell anyone about, yet she told people. It wasn't the only thing, but it was the last thing I'll tell her, because she just tells everyone things. Good luck OP, please take care of yourself. On the plus side, it's very nice that you have lots of people who care about you x

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