My mother told everyone I am pregnant, and I have now had a miscarriage

[krj2608]

I had a very early miscarriage in June. Fell pregnant again straight away. This is baby no.3 for us and my mothers 6th grandchild. We told my mum and my friend just so I had some support incase things went wrong again. My mum has told loads of people I know that we are expecting again (we wanted to get to that safe point- 12/14 weeks) - my grandparents, my brothers and their gfs, my hairdresser that we share, her friends. I found out on Friday that this baby has died, waiting on the options to start miscarriage.

I now have everyone texting me saying sorry to hear your sad news. I just want to grieve without all of this and without having to keep texting people back. I definitely won't be telling my mum next time around! Am I just being unreasonable and hormonal? I feel like it's our news to tell people not my mothers!

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I've been through it myself several time and I know how raw it can be.

You're absolutely NBU. My DM is the same and I stopped confiding in her years ago. She knew nothing about the three miscarriages I experienced and when I did eventually tell her she cried because I had upset her, and told me I should give up. 🙄

Please be kind to yourself over the next few months.

I am so sorry

Don’t feel at all obliged to text back anyone whom you hadn’t told personally.

You’re very well within your rights to be posed off with DM and relegate her to the second tier of those you share any future happy news with.

So sorry OP

YANBU at all. Unfortunately some mothers have major form for this.

YANBU

I have recently had to learn the bitter lesson that I cannot tell my mother ANYTHING which I don't want her to repeat. No warnings will be heeded and if warnings are given the news will still be repeated but instead with an added "Eine told me not to tell you BUT"

This means that when I need motherly support I can't have it even if I need it and when she does eventually find things out she is offended and I am at fault.

It has completely worn me down

Part of me would want to tell everyone that she broke your confidence and how much it hurt you.
Wow, so awful.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry your mother has made things worse for you through her actions. What she did was totally wrong and you would be right never to confide in her again

Same happened to me only MIL and SIL blabbed (SIL was actually mouthing off about me being pregnant before her) and I had to take a phone call from someone wanting to congratulate me. I’d started miscarrying three days before the call. With the next one, I waited 16 weeks before telling ILs as I couldn’t trust them.

for you

This is exactly why you don’t blab when someone tell you early on. Sorry OP

Don't reply to the texts.
The reverse of this is usually no one mentions your loss at all when you miscarry, so I think I might like some RL support tbh.

I'd just change my number and ignore everybody's texts.....and give my mum some harsh truths about her behaviour.

Now you know you can't trust her with anything like this so never tell her anything in future that you don't want the 'public' to know.

Same happened to me last year. I told mom as i thought she’d keep my secret but explained I miscarried with baby number 1 so please keep it hush. She told everyone and I miscarried at 21 weeks. Makes you feel like you could never tell her anything ever again. I’ve gone on to miscarrying for 3rd and 4th time with out her knowing or being there for me. It’s awful. Think it’s best to keep it to yourselves until you give birth. Saves the upset. I could never forgive her for this. We haven’t spoke for over a year because of it. It’s a shame. I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone through this too.

YANBU the same happened to me, we didn't tell her the next time I fell pregnant until 13/14 weeks.

Oh god OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your DM was just excited and meant well but you would be well within your rights to keep future personal news from her until you feel ready for it to be public

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. What your mother did was very inconsiderate. She might not have realised you weren't telling lots of people yet, but even if that isn't the case, it isn't her news to tell.

If you get pregnant again and decide to tell her early, then make sure you stress she cannot tell anyone if you do not want them to know.

I've recently lost a pregnancy too, and much prefer that people know than didn't know. It's such a big thing to go through and you shouldn't have to do it in secret. It's difficult acknowledging people's sympathy now, just ignore their messages if you want to - they probably won't be expecting a reply.

Don't tell anyone next time you are pregnant. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Hopefully all will go well in the future, we'll be rooting for you!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and so very angry at all the cruel, thoughtless and selfish mothers out there.

I'm so sorry for your loss
Your mum should have known better.
Please forward all the messages to her to sort out and tell her she won't be told next time.
I'd have gone mad if my mum did this, and it would be a while before I could forgive.

I'm sorry for your loss.

No one is expecting you to respond.

Thank you for all your messages

Im off to hospital tomorrow so phone will most certainly be off. My mums offered to watch the children. I know they all care and mean well but just trying to get through it at my own pace. I do appreciate their messages but it starts me off again, just about keeping it together and taking myself off upstairs for a cry so the little ones don't see. The doctors will start a medical management I think it's called, I'm now feeling overly guilty for that. 🌈

YADNBU!
I'd forward every message to your mother and let her deal with the responses.

I think it's nice of the people not to ignore your loss, which often happens, but when they're not people you'd decided to tell it makes it very messy (and they aren't to know, this is entirely on your mother).

I'd be very careful what I told her from now on.

You are definitely DEFINITELY not being unreasonable, OP. Don’t text people back if you don’t want to and try and ignore them for a while if you can. This is beyond unreasonable if your DM!

I’m sorry for your loss

You shouldn't feel under obligation to respond to anyone. Ask your mother to tell them you don't want to be contacted.

I'm very sorry, OP. Two in a row is particularly devastating. I've been there 💐💐💐

So sorry OP. What an awful situation and then to deal with your mothers stupidity as well.

I made the very difficult decision not to tell even any close family until I’d had the first scan. They were all really peeved I hadn’t told them sooner but it was the lesser of two evils for me as I feel they’d have done the same as your mum.

Don’t reply to anyone if you don’t want to and look after yourself.